Moving Day

I've decided to vacate this space. I'm trying to heal, I really am. I don't think my demons visit here often but I need to be some where I feel safe I've moved
If you decide you want to follow, hit me up and I'll let you peep the new house
Blessings and Light.

Me make happy time

Crushed ice

Sprite (or 7 up if you like)

Mango malibu rum

Mix and shake

Drink and repeat until you feel happy!

Mom Genes

I often wonder if people are given certain talents at birth. I mean not everyone can become a world class athlete. Not everyone is going to win a gold medal because that would defeat the purpose of competing.

I often wonder if perhaps certain women are born with the mom gene? People who compete on a professional level have a love and a drive for what they are doing. Does the same thing apply for mothers?

In the grand scheme of things I don't enjoy mom things. I don't enjoy the sitting at sporting events and pretending it matters that my kid is playing. I don't enjoy oohing and ahhing over some art project that going to go into the trash at the end of the month. I don't enjoy the kid things. I enjoy my kids the most when they are sleeping or we are in the car and we are having a conversation over ignorant people or people's opinions.

Perhaps I am missing the mother gene, perhaps I wasn't meant to compete on a professional level.

I was on my favorite board a little while ago and there was a debate on motherhood. People waxed poetically about how much being a mother changed them for the better. This is where the trouble comes in...we as women(brainwashed much?) can not understand when motherhood does not fulfill another woman. We look down on a woman who doesn't wrap herself completely in her child. What happens if being a mother doesn't make you a "better" person? Does that mean you love your children any less?


I don't like being a mother when it is THE most important thing about me. I find it odd that women who don't work outside the home are snubbed and disregarded but the moment a women says she doesn't want to or does not enjoy being a mother people are horrified.

Having had a child or three squeeze out of my cooch isn't the end all to be all about me.

If you enjoy being a mother well...yeah and go meat for you!

Being a mother isn't how I define myself. It's not the thing that makes me all warm and fuzzy, quite often it just make me want to sleep.

While some of you may be clutching your pearls all aghast I could give less than 2 fucks really.

Your definition doesn't fit me, I won't go silently and happily into the box that makes you comfortable.

My children (with Goddess's blessing) will eventually go out into the world and make their mark. I will always be their mother, I will always love them, but they will become who they will become and my being their mother will not be the MOST important thing to them, I'm cool with that. I don't plan on letting being their mother be the MOST important thing to me...

Wow...I said that and the world didn't even come to an end... imagine that...

Finally

I sat on the edge of loving you today.

I felt it slowly as it shifted. I knew it was coming but had hoped it would pass in a gust of emotions leaving behind what this was in the beginning. Love, hope and friendship.

I can't even say it out loud, words have power I felt their power as I heard the words over and over in my head.

I'm tried of this crowded existence, I'm tried of being the first in line and the last one served. I can not and will not blame you. I played myself short. Accepted the unacceptable, loved through the pain of it never being enough.

I don't know how to do this, it seems that more and more I can not love you and love me at the same time. I haven't done either very well.

So I'm giving up the last spot and putting me first.

I did the math Love and if finally adds up.

Perhaps

I'm trying hard to be positive today. I live for Fridays and I hate that. I had a couple of set backs this week, but I think I handled them well.
I guess therapy has its benefits. It's strange at times because I have these CRAZY thoughts and then something inside my head clicks and I am able to avoid disaster.

I thought to myself while driving on the highway "would my truck split in half if I hit that cement barrier going 80mph?" See I don't want to die, not trying to take myself out in anyway, shape, or form. I just have CRAZY thoughts, small private conversations in my head that get worse when I'm entering an episode.

So today I'm clear. The disappointments of the week...I'm not even going to think about those. I've been let down time and again, this time will be no different.

I looked over the edge of letting it go, I'm not there yet. I guess I'm afraid to let it go.

The headaches, the stomachaches, the inability to concentrate...could it all be linked to holding on so tightly that at times I can't breath? Running toward the one thing I should be running like hell from? Perhaps.

It's days like these I don't think I love enough (myself or anyone else)

Friday Wishes

I wish...

I could just let it go

I was at home right now legs up in the air or on all fours

I was more studious

I understood science better

I could tell her to shut the fuck up

I didn't work in a office full of women

I played well with others

I wasn't feeling like a horny crook right now

I could find jeans that fit JUST RIGHT

I could sleep late whenever

I could stop feeling what I'm feeling

I had more faith in his ability to move mountains

Sweet Baby Jesus

I'm doing my regular perusing of my favorite blogs today. I usually read Terry first because well read for yourself...

- I made sure that I became very accomplished at oral sex to compensate for my, er-ah, “shortcomings” elsewhere.

I swear I just got fucking wet when I read that. Man I just wasn't expecting that, which made it all the better...I almost need a cigarette...almost...

Does this make me easy? Ion care!

Lies to live by

Sometimes we lie to ourselves.
Trying to preserve and protect.
Trying not to fall for the okie doke and be disappointed just one more time.
We tell ourselves half truths, sometime we outright lie. Hoping what we hold in the our hands is fool's gold, pretty to look at but lacking in true value.
As long as we think its not the real thing we are safe and comfortable and it doesn't cost us a thing(or so we think).

This is where the lying begins

This can't be worth what I think it's worth...

I can't possibly afford something so precious...

I can't really have ALL of this...

This tiny piece is just fine with me, it's all I REALLY need...

We try so hard to believe those lies, swallowing them whole trying to fill what's missing.

Then you open your soul and realize what you hold is precious and priceless.
That tiny piece will never be enough.


Now what?

Friday Wishes

I wish...

I didn't have to go to this play tonight

I didn't know what I know

My son could control himself so I don't have to talk to his teacher one mo gin

I had went to college straight out of high school

I didn't love him (so much)

I could do the math and it all add up

I wanted what he wanted

I didn't believe in some of the thing I believe in

I didn't want to work while in school

It had never happened

I wasn't such a pimptress (LOL)

I could turn water into wine

I could turn fat into muscle

I could run four miles in 38 minutes everyday

The inside of my thighs didn't look like rolling hills

I had my tits done when I had the chance

I could stick to a workout and eating plan fo life

Is it love?

Is it love if he has wash your scent from his body before he hits the door?

Is it love when your time together are stolen moments?

Is it love when the memory of your time together is confined between 4 walls?

Is it love when you only get hours (sometimes minutes) ?

Is it love when you know you will never be in the number one spot?

Is it love when your soul weeps from the pain of loving someone else's someone?

The heart don't lie or does it?

Is it love?

Golden!

You don't want to talk to me this weekend for your own reasons...

I'm not trippin' off of that. If I have something to say to you, I say it.

My brain will not let me feed into your hostage silence.

But now you want to look, really look at me...as I stand in my bra and slip on my panties...you want to look at me with that look I have seen a thousand times in the last 12 yrs...

Now you want some pussy, guess what...my pussy don't feel like talkin today.

Silence ain't the only thing that's golden...

Friday Wishes

I wish...

I could grind up on him to LL's new song

I had caught those beckies who shoe polished my truck for homecoming class wars

My son didn't have a becky fan club

I didn't know that they find him sexy (vomit)

I could fall back in love with running again

I could get my eating under control 24/7

November would hurry up and get here

I didn't live for Fridays

I was better at science

I could follow my heart's desire

I wasn't worried about the consequences

I could go to the Aveda spa every month

I felt like doing my hair

The most high had NEVER made mosquitoes

I didn't know that if he does it with you he will do it to you (mama ain't lied about that)

I loved school like some other folks

I was more patient with those I love

I could get my "back tight"

Cynical Me

I'm did the fitness thing this morning. They announced that one of the couples there is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. Aww ain't that sweet?

Instantly some questions popped in to my head...

Who cheated first
Who has cheated the most
Who's their 20% and third
Can someone fuck the same person for 25yrs and keep it poppin
Do they still love each other
Do they stay together because they want to

I'm not a romantic (no shit) so don't mind me. 25yrs is a long time, shit people get 25yrs for murder...

It's too early for this shit!

I take fitness very seriously (yeah right!) I am trying to get back in shape (round is a shape) and kick my jelly bean addiction.

I get up in the middle of the fucking night (okay it's 345am but it's still dark) to work out because with school work kids hubster homework sleeping and eating, I don't have enough time when the sun is out. (oh how I miss the sun).

I know I got bumps and rolls. I see them everyday. I don't subject OTHER people to my bumps and rolls cause I got good home training!

There are some chicks in my fitness class that haven't gotten the memo that you can't wear your old "skinny girl" clothes when you've become fluffy (fat). Those cute little cheerleading shorts you wore in high school are so not the business when you've put on 40+ lbs.

No amount of yanking and tugging are going to keep them out da crack of your now fat ass.

Those extra smedium shirts aren't going to keep your rolls from rolling out from under the bottom hem.

Hey fat girl move up 3 sizes, it's fucking 445 am, it too fucking early for me to see anyone else rolls but mine. PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON...I know it's hard to let go of the skinny girl image you have in your head...I've been there.

Trust and believe that ain't a fun house mirror at your house, YOU FAT!

If'fn I see your rolls one mo 'gin Imma bring some spray butter and I'm going to butter them rolls up.

KE.EP MOVIN'!!!

Wanting. Control.

I'm feeling a bit out of control.

Wanting. Wanting. Wanting.

It's almost painful as I try to hold it all together to give my life a sense of normalcy .

Inside it rages . Wanting becomes a Category 5.

Leaving nothing untouched, leaving behind a mournful emptiness and scattered needs.

Friday Wishes

I wish...

Love really did conquer all

My heart was really in it

I wasn't such a hypocrite

I didn't hate him so much

I could love unconditionally

I could trust fully

I could have my cake and eat it too

I hadn't backed myself into a marriage

I could get unlimited snuggle time

I could say what was really on my mind when he asks "what's on your mind"

He really wanted to know what was on my mind

That there was really LIBERTY and JUSTICE for ALL

Baby brother didn't have to go back to iraq

My BFF didn't have to go back to iraq

I was dedicated as I need to be in all aspects of my life

I could run around like a horny crook

For Serious?

Muthafuckas have really lost their damn minds. Me and my girl "Thelma" are planning a girl's weekend in November. I figure by then I'll be stressed the fuck out from school and a break will do my body good.

I wanted to go see Jazmine Sullivan in concert, she's opening for Maxwell. Welll this sista isn't a Maxwell fan, he ain't got enough bass in his voice for me. I was willing to pay a decent price to see Jazzi do her thang. I LURVE her.

Don't you know that Maxwell tickets are $250+. Nigga(I can't stand that word but it fits) WHAT? For some dude singing all breathy and high like Mariah? For SERIOUS?

What hits has this fool had? Did I miss something? When's the last time he had a banger or anything on the charts?

I was tempted like a mofo to leave a nasty gram on his myspace page, but I'm grown so I ain't going to do that.

I know hoes gotta eat, but almost 3 bills to see someone sing...if'fn I'm paying that kind of loot Jesus (the real one) better be your hype man!


FUCK MAXWELL'S ASS!

& Love

He called me beautiful & my smile started in my heart
He called me sexy & I got that tingle in my spine
He wanted to love me in his own way & take me to my unsafe places
Whispering trust & faith as he laid inside me
He held my gaze & smiled
I tingled & surrendered & I slipped & fell in love...


and it's still true today

Official Announcement

My back was officially blown the fuck out at 12:25pm CST.

Thank you and have wonderful night.

GO MEAT!

in "living" color

He stood in that black suit, hands in his pockets. It took my breath away. All panic subsided. I wanted to touch him, smell him. Then he smiled all big and wide open. Nothing else mattered.

I dream in color.

Number one fan!

My son is 17, he's a wonderful, intelligent, funny and creative kid. I've struggled being a young mother, but my husband and I have done our best to make him a strong black man. Imparting knowledge whenever we could.

I visited Terry's blog, he was opening up to his son and giving him love in the form of wisdom. I immediately thought of Lupe's song.




My son's biological father has been in the wind for a long time...the hardest part is my son knows who is father is, he was once a active part of his life. So the pain is multiplied.

I am my son's number one fan.

Need... part I

I stared at a blank screen for a few seconds trying to get my thoughts together...replaying the scene.... me laying in the dark, nipples hard, breath coming in short bursts, body on fire, fingers slick with the flavor of me. I tried to hold it off but I wanted so badly to give into the image playing in my head, give into the love in my heart. I slid my fingers out of my wet warmth and squeezed ever so slightly at first and then with more pressure until I knew I wouldn't be able to remain on the edge of needing you. I gave in and let that sweet feeling come over me, I shook with the intensity of 100 neglected nights. I spoke the dirty words I long to moan into your ear and whispered your name as I imagined you inside of me.

Need... part II

I was told this need eventually fades.

Today it returned like a fire that is inextinguishable


My nipples came to attention pushing against their captor's fabric.

I took in a long breath, I knew what was next...I felt my clit swell. Blood rushing into the sweetest part of me making me want to cry out, to share my misery.

The rhythm of my clit pulsating muting the beating of my heart. I wanted to touch myself, to take away the need I'm feeling. I will save these feelings for you. Letting your lips and tongue subdue my fire and devour & sate me.

I.NEED.YOU.

Box

Once you step outside the box, you must then destroy the box so you are never tempted to step back inside of it.

When I wasn't looking...

This is the first week of school for me and the kids. It's been a really good week considering no one is getting enough sleep and we all tend to be a little grouchy in the morning. The hubster has stepped up his daddy game to help me and I'm relieved that I'm not the only one searching for socks, underwear, and homework. Actually he's been doing it all. GO MEAT!!!

Something hit me this morning like a ton of bricks. My kids are fucking BRATS! I was shocked and appalled when El Syd showed her ass this morning because she wanted to rock her new purple shoes instead of new pink ones (which matched the outfit she was wearing).

There are children in this world who will never get to attend schools and kids who would be so GRATEFUL to have one pair of new shoes.
I wasn't going to let her stank attitude ride this morning. I told her if'fn she wanted to act like a brat I would take those fucking shoes back to the store and she could rock those pink ones until the sole fell off!
I was just amazed at how she was all weepy and shit! She better be thankful I'm trying really hard to be a gentler kinder mama, next time I'm going to take those shoes and beat her ass with them. I ain't playin'. She better hope I don't cancel Xmas...


With my new life with less domestic responsibility I have given up the right to complain (or critique) how the hubsters does things. BUT! WHY.IN.THE.FUCK would you allow a SIX year old to pick out an outfit of LONG sleeve shirt and JEANS. It's the middle of the fucking summer, we in the "da Souf" and it's hovering at about 98.8 degrees during the day. His explanation was..."she wants to wear it" WFT? She's SIX, I'll remember that little tidbit when she's 16 and wanting to wear some hoe shit! JESUS take the wheel, cuz I'm too through!

Control Freak

I'm trying to get ready for the coming semester. Seems issues are being handed to me left and right. Things that, had people put in a little effort, I could have handled WEEKS ago.

So today I finally broke down and cried a little. After dropping off a closed entry form to the film department. I just let my guard down and cried. I'm so fucking tired of people's apathy. Had my VA rep made one phone call, this situation would be resolved and I wouldn't be wondering about my money and schedule 2 fucking days before the start of classes. ONE FUCKING PHONE CALL!!!

For so long I have resigned myself to being an emotional person usually overly so. It wasn't until Dr. H pointed out that I choose what I do with the emotions I feel. You think for someone who is a bit of a control freak I would've figured this out YEARS ago. Most days I can ask myself the question "how are you going to handle what you're feeling right now are you going to flip the fuck out or are you going to decide to handle it differently. I'm starting to choose the different route. Even though there are times I still give in and flip the fuck out anyway!

I'm still working on me... my eating is still out of control and I now have a jelly bean addiction that is going to send me into a coma...ah jelly bellies how I love thee!

I'm terrified of failure in many aspects of my life, again Dr. H has asked me to look at surviving those feelings and not taking them to the extreme. One moment at a time. GEEZ I need a 12 step program.

Breathe in breath out I can only control me.

Today the letter "N"...him wanna be Rasta!

I'm an active member of a hair website. For some that may seem strange, but a black women sporting her hair just as Goddess gave her is not the norm. We need all the support we can get.

There are members on the site that I have on permanent ig'no (ignore).

But I can't keep quiet any longer.

Today I will be talking about the resident nigga on the board. My definition of nigga... one who spouts their "knowledge" as fact all the while slyly trying to tear down those they are kicking knowledge to at that time. It's "intelligent" crabs in a barrel.

This nigga decides he going to share is "vast" loc'ing knowledge with the folks on the board he does this in a way that makes some of the member all moist(proper grammar, decent vocab, with a dash of "I'm a man and I know betta than ya'll silly women")...LOL! Kinda like the pseudo poets of 90's

He then turns around and quotes members and talks copious amounts of shit about them. I mean blog entry after blog entry...cutting and pasting ova and ova. He then has the nigga fortitude to link his words to the very site and members he's tearing apart. He implies it's only hair but he keeps quoting and bitchin' about what is said about hair. Nigga if it's just hair why you bitchin' about what's being said? I mean for serious? Really?

In the words of B. Scott (look him up if you don't know) E-BALLER...he got e-balls. Willing to say shit online and tear people apart because the keyboard is his magic weapon. Who the fuck are you a nappy Harr.y Pot.ter? This nigga needs to take note from the late great Me.dusa Negr.ita and say what's really on his mind ON THE SITE. I believe he knows his ass would be handed to him with the asshole torn WIDE open! He can't hang word for word with those women he's tearing apart.

I love this site and all the quirky and outspoken ladies, they say exactly what's on their minds ON THE SITE.

Is this the nigga from high school that couldn't get the girl? For the life of me I can't understand why he's hatin' (ova and ova and ova) on a bunch of women talkin' about THEIR (as in on THEIR HEADS) hair.

Trust and believe this is the 1st and the very LAST time I will waste my words talking 'bout dis nigga. I'm done!

Got locs?

Nigga please!

issues

I don't know if "ya'll" can see the blog but for some reason I can't. I just get an error message...hoping it's just a fluke. I hope I haven't lost all my words...booo! Don't know why I never backed up my spot...guess if things get back to normal I'll be doing that!

They know not what they do

I'm a child of early hip hop, when the words were about self love and community pride. I wasn't into all of hip hop, but I knew enough to know it was something special.

I recently took a 16 hour road trip to my inlaws...we rode through several cities with Rap radio stations. I can honestly tell you it was a total waste. As much as I bitch about this hick town, I know what to expect from the stations here.

As we rode from city to city I was just appalled at how truly triflin' rap/r&b music has become. I mean it's all shit. I mean ate 6 taco with bad sour cream type shit. I got so fucking tired hearing little wayne's crackhead ass I just listened to the static between the stations...I'm dead serious that's just what I did. I guess since I don't have BET I didn't know how diseased music has become.

These stations couldn't even get the slow jams/quiet storm sessions right. I mean really a slow song with the word bitch and nigga in it? I mean really...no reallly...for serious...really?


And I also want to know who in the hell told them muthafuckas they could remake H town's Knockin' the Boots...that's a slow jam/quiet storm classic and you don't fuck with a classic. These fools been smokin' entirely too much weed...

I'll stick with my iPod...thank you and fuck off!

Hey Lib...I'll try hard not to screw this up...

Liberty/liberation theory nominated me for a blog award...ain't she just the sweetest person? Why yes she is... so I'm following the rules she posted on her blog, well following them as close as I can given the fact that I'm not too tech savvy so I'm giving it a go...

So I posted a pic of the blog award....check

I read the following blogs on a regular basis...

http://minusthebars.blogspot.com/ Don done left and came back...but see he ain't tell me he was back I just happened to click on his spot like I always do and lo and behold there were words I mean lots of them...he's baaaaack

http://babeemunkee.blogspot.com/ He is witty and smart and jaded...lurve it!

http://rydioflyertwo.blogspot.com/ Terry is too smart for OUR own good and he likes to sit around in his drawers...go meat!

I love my girl thelma's blog but I'm not going to post the link because she keeps her words on the hush, but I would like to give her a shout out....HEY GURL

http://liberationtheory.wordpress.com/ I lurve lib's blog but she's been nominated but hey I do read her several time a day (umm hour really)

I also read Giggle's blog but she like to keep her words private as well so I ain't gonna put her out there like that....guess I'm breaking all the rules.

Lib stole my next nominee UterusX2 I love that blog and the baby pics make me feel warm and fuzzy...ah babies

Sorry that's all I have folks...Guess I'm a bit of a blog hermit.

Hope I didn't screw it up too badly.


GO MEAT!!! I just really like saying that....

Hey you!!! old guy SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

So I live in whiteisrightville. I know my kids are physically safe here but I worry about their mental health, living in such a small overly religious town. My plan is to get them out of here as quick as possible, but Mama got to put in work before we can make that move to browner pastures.

These folks around these parts were heated and more than a little insane when Obama won the nomination. I don't speak about politricks because I feel that 99.9978 percent of public servants ain't serving nothing but some bullshit. So when office talk turns to politricks I just find other things to do. I have my thoughts and opinions and I'm not setting out to change anyones POV. I'll keep mine and I would appreciate if everyone else kept theirs.

No Such Luck

So the old vets start talking, I've found that they will talk just to keep breathing most times. They are discussing politricks and H. Clinton and Obama. Well wouldn't you know I couldn't escape. So one old fart decides to start in on Obama. I'm cool with that, his POV. Then he just starts saying all kinds of shit that don't make a bit of sense.

He CLAIMS that the hospital Obama was born in did not exist at the time he was born so if Obama wasn't born in Hawaii as he claims then he's not an american citizen so he can't be president. I'm laughing because he just sounds ignorant as hell.

Hey old guy SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm sure many are blinded by the brown of Obama's skin, yeah his house nigger brown, but he's brown just the same. What many of these old farts fail to realize is......drum roll please.....OBAMA'S MAMA IS A WHITE WOMAN FROM KANSAS!!!

Many people are ignorant to the fact that citizenship is determined by the maternal side. It seems that the law passed to keep our GI's illegitimate war babies from claiming american citizenship in fact MAKES Obama an american citizen with all the right and privileges afforded to ALL of us in the constitution.

I really understand why these vets are all wore out...it must be hard work to be old and stay ignorant as fuck.

The live version of this song brought tears to my eyes. Made my heart yearn. Her album is suppose to be dropping soon. I wish she would do a slower version than the one that is out right now, but I will take this one for the time being... Don't sleep on this young lady...she's fiyah! Reminds me a little of old lauren hill, but she is uniquely her own...listen closely to the chorus...fiyah!




<3

New Blackberry...New Ringtone

Speaks the truth and you know it...<3

It's love every last single solitary feeling is love.

For you I would give my life.

For us I will wait patiently doing the math and waiting until it all adds up.

Sunday

Feeling a tad bit better today...nervous about tomorrow...

He's walking around like a bear with a tooth ache...looking at houses in Toni Town...dreaming of a larger space and a job that keeps him off the roads of Iraq.

I'm excited and scared about my life right now...trying to turn my back on the darkness. I want to be a darkness killing ninja...take that take that!!!

NO MORE MEDS...Goddess help me find my peace...help me stay out of the darkness.

Missing Link

So I decided to stop linking to my blog from my favorite site. I had kept the link in my siggy for a long while...but time brings about a change.

I know that I'm 'bout to go through some shit. Some painful life changing shit and I just didn't want to share that with er'rybody.

I know the place I'm headed it to, that dark place that causes me to rage and purge.

I need this space for me, I need to write without thinking "oh shit they gonna see this" Now ion care what 99.997% of folks think of me. But I need to do me in a way that ain't for no one but me.

If you found your way here, feel free to stay. Iff'n you don't like what you read, if it upsets you or makes you uncomfortable. Go the fuck to your own house.

This blog used to be called I ain't giving a fuck....believe that.

BLOGS

I love to write I feel like if I had a pen and pad in the womb I would've come out holding some bold shit...I was a c-section baby so it's possible. Wouldn't have had to worry about bringing my heart's words through the noot noot.

I don't read many blogs, I'm real critical about words because my love for and of them is deep and guttural.

I read Terry on the regular cause that dude just says whatever the hell is on his mind...I picture him smoking his cigar and thinking of fat asses....

I read Thelma when she decides to grace me with some words (yeah I just called you out...but I understand that writing comes from a place that don't always give us things on OUR schedule)

I read lib and giggle's baby journey and I laugh and cry, because there is nothing like motherhood (good and bad)

I USED to read Don ER'RYDAY, but it is no mo' so I just shout him out when he comes to my "house"

I read UterusX2 because I love their baby journey and the Hudson makes me want to get a spoon and eat his fat little cheeks...

That pretty much sums it up...but I do check links that have been hit from my page (I be in stealth mode :-P )

A lot of ya'll be looking and reading and don't say shit...I'm cool with that but I see you though! LOL!!

Come into the light...

I went to my session with Dr. O, we again discussed my anger and ways to get through these feelings.

I stopped taking my meds because I was still angry, but it killed my sex drive and made me feel mushy...if that makes any sense.

He's saying there are certain things in my life that I have to turn my back on. I can't and I won't. This is me and I have to find a way to get back to the light.

Darkness has taken over my life. Nothing seems to matter all that much. Thank Goddess it's summer session and I'm not getting in over my head yet.

Fall session is fast approaching, I just received my acceptance letter for the fall session. I need to see the nursing school admin on Monday to set up my classes. One step closer to my BSN.

We have already decided if he gets moved to Toni Town I will stay here if I get accepted to the RN program in the spring. I'm not upset at all, I feel like this takes the pressure off. I don't HAVE to....

If I don't get into PH then I'm off to Toni Town...

I feel like the anger is eating me up inside. I'm drinking more than I have in a looong time. Eating myself into a sugar coma. I've stopped leaving the house (unless I'm shopping) and I can feel the darkness as soon as I wake up. I miss the light.

RESENTMENTS & FORGIVENESS

So it's back to counseling on monday....I have to write a list of RESENTMENTS and things I want to ask FORGIVENESS for.

I have a feeling one list will be much longer than the other.

Freedom to choose...

I have no problem with personal choice, well maybe I do but I try to front like I want everyone to be free to choose how they live their lives. I think my way of thinking for the most part is the correct way...I mean doesn't everyone though?

So we had a fatality 2 blocks from my house. In whitepeopleville where I live it was big news...it went something like this...

Man+motorcycle=death! Now I plan to get myself a cute little ninja (hopefully) dropped 2 inches so I can touch the ground (if you're laughing you can leave now) BUT I do plan to ride safely. While I know I can't control traffic and all the beckies and chads I will wear the proper protective gear!

Silly man mentioned above decided he didn't need a helmet, and he surely doesn't need one now...death due to severe head trauma. Freedom of choice strikes again.

So if people are going to be free to choose how they ride, I think it's only fair they should have to carry at least 1 million dollars in insurance( to cover long term and short term medical care and rehabilitation costs) and a certified signed organ donor card.

Iff'n you are going to stop your cycle with your head, someone( those waiting and dying for organs) should benefit from your stupidity and selfishness.

In the good news...

CONGRATS LIB AND GIGGLE!!!!!


May you have health and happiness on this journey into a love like you have never known!

YAY Me!

So my day has passed. YAY! me!

Such a blessing. I LITERALLY sat around naked and had some tasty drinks. That's all I wanted to do and I did exactly that.

I'm off my meds AGAIN!! Feeling alright for now, but for some reason this time on them, my sex drive has fallen to -73...me no want the ding a ling? That hasn't happened in the past. Boooo meds.

My eating is horrible! I mean just awful! I'm going to be 200lbs if I don't watch out. Red Bull and donut holes have become the enemy. Oh how I lurve them so....bitches!

Commitment

commitment

That was the word for yesterday. The counseling session wasn't a hit for either of us, but I believe we have found a counselor that will suit us.

She asked us to commit to repairing all that is broken. We both agreed. That is step in the right direction.

Sitting in that office, I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. For the first time in all of this I saw the pain that I have caused him. The fear and uncertainty he feels about my heart and my love for him. It was a crack in him concrete wall. The one I have only been allowed to penetrate a handful of time in 13yrs. His pain is not my pain, but it's there and it's real. We are wounded, broken, and battered, but we are still together, for each other. Not for the kids, not for the money, not for the new shiny material things, but for the love of each other.

I truly hope we can heal and love wide open and free from fear.

Still taking my meds, trying not to think about the future and being medicated. Right now I need them and I can only take this process a few steps at a time. Right now.

In me news

I had a dentist appt today...no cavities...yay me! BUT my teeth are on the move again so now I have to wear this stupid ass retainer for 24hrs a day for the next 7 days. I HATE THIS THING, but straight teeth are my blessing because they are naturally that way, but as I've gotten older...thanx mother time...they have started to shift...hence the retainer.

Tomorrow I see a new therapist, couples counseling to see if we are going to stay together...how scary is that? To love someone, but dislike them at the same time. I do love him, there is a part of me that is all soft and warm for him (not in a sexual way), but then there's my own rage right below the surface...so tomorrow another journey begins...

I'm back on my meds, it amazes me how while he was gone I was able to maintain and do without them, but I felt that darkness coming for me and I grabbed that prescription bottle with both hands... I was shaking as I swallowed the first one, that was 3 days ago. 20milligrams of happy goodness.

I want to grab him and slap him and hug him all at the same time. We don't talk, we do this dance of distance and silence, thank Goddess the little ones are gone for the summer.

This whole thing makes me so sad, we were so great together. Us against the world now it's seems to be us against each other.

I miss the flutter I used to get when he would step into a room. I felt like my heart would skip a beat and I would feel the smile on my face before I even knew it was there. It makes my heart heavy to know I have lost that, that perhaps I have lost us, lost him.

My bff KC says she really truly believes we are meant for each other, that we just fit, I was surprised she said that she is not his biggest fan by far. She says she can see the love in his eyes when we are together. I'm glad someone sees it.

I know no matter what THIS time I will survive in one piece, stable mind, and stronger.


and still I rise...

Next?

I finally lost it.

I can't be that person. The truth of my hearts pain came out in a flood this morning. We haven't spoken since.

I screamed like my life depended on it, I needed to purge that anger before it ate me up, so I guess my life did depend on it.

It's broken and I'm not sure it can be fixed.

I don't know what's next for us, if there is an us.

I know right now I need me.

You

I'm hurting and I need you. I'm longing and I need you. I'm missing you and I need you. I'm angry and I need you. I love you and I need you. I'm alone and I miss you. I'm scared and I need you. I'm drifting and I need you. I'm crying and I need you.

I need you...

You and me... a room lit with candles...just love....you and me laying together...nothing else matters

fading...

The rage over took me. How do you get to the healing part of this journey if you can't get past the first step. Rage.


I need to hear your voice. I need that for my soul.

I started drinking just to get a little tilted. Each sip allows me to push the rage to the background. I'm a happy tilted person.

If you could hold me right now everything would fade away. In those moments you and me...us.

I need you. I need you. I need you.

Help me love me hold me.

unFUCK YOU!

He gets me so angry, or should I say I allow myself to get so angry. It's so hard when you see some one's potential and you can't get them to tap into it.

I know the fear he feels. I sit atop that mountain every time I crack a book. I am terrified that I won't get it, that it won't sink in. I am terrified I will be exposed and the world will see my lack of intellect.

I want him to do better, to be better. I see it in him, but my mirroring abilities are missing and I can't make him what I see. The world is his, if he would only step out on faith and take it!

FUCK YOU!!!

Why you got to be so fucking hard headed????

got yourself into this shit and now you all "what? what?" when I try to break it down for you!

You know what muthafucka, just go ahead and quit!

Pay back the money and call that shit done. Imma get mine, you NEED to get yours.

YOU MAKE ME SO SICK!!!!

Hard head makes for a soft behind....you just pretending right now...I see you!

Must be nice to able to quit 'cause it ain't easy!

Get out MY way 'cause I'm going thru you to get what I need!

Change gon come

I called my Auntie G first. She is a STRONG Obama supporter. We didn't talk long, because I knew I was distracting her from her passion.

I called my Daddy as soon as I hung up with Auntie G. I knew he would be watching. His excitement over this nomination makes me smile, because my Daddy is a well read, highly educated man. To see him all a flutter over this makes my heart feel good.

My Daddy is the person in my life that talked to me, really talked to me, about being black and female. He has been my cheerleader and adviser for most of my adult life.

When I got married just so I could join the military (single parents aren't allowed) Daddy said "do what you have to do to get what you need"

When 11yrs later I decided I had had enough of Uncle Sam, Daddy said "there is a whole world out here waiting on you come and get it!"

My Daddy's still waters run deep like the ocean.

As I talked to him on the phone, I truly thought he was going to cry, he did own up to the fact that he had cried "just a little". <3

He asked me if J was watching, I told him yes.

Daddy spoke his words of awe, he was so excited this had happened in HIS life time, he was so excited that he had lived to see it.
He spoke of the summers he had to swim in the local lake because blacks weren't allowed to swim in the blue waters of the towns only pool.
He spoke of how he finally got to go when he was ten.
At that moment I understood why he was so passionate about taking me to that pool every summer.
He was passing on his legacy.
He was passing on his hope that one day his grandchildren would have all the things he was denied. We didn't talk long, because I knew he needed to have his "Obama time".

When I got off the phone I turned to J. and told him, "This is a piece of your history and it will forever change the future. Remember this night, it's one the most important in a black persons life". He may not get it now, but some day he will. Obama may not win (I'm not a supporter or hater), but the fact that he is a black man in America running for our highest office changes everything.

One day my future granddaughter will call my son to talk about current events... I wonder who and what they will be talking about.

Whether you are for or against Obama he has changed OUR legacy.

2008?

I'm about to put down something some of you may find disturbing. I wasn't surprised when my oldest told me about this, we have dealt with this before. He is getting hard life lessons in this place. We talk about ignorance and the harm it causes to those who encounter it and those who wallow in it.

J is going to be a Senior in H.S., just by the skin of his teeth I might add (but that is a post for another day). He has less than 20 AA kids in his school, half of them we know from our military travels, but I would say 18 or so are military kids.

One of J's classmates has fallen hard for one of the twenty, surprising to me it wasn't a "becky" who had fallen in love but rather a "chad" who comes from old money.
This town reeks of it, and they are slowly losing their one iron grip on the neck of this town and it's got them in a panic. (it's not happening fast enough for me, but change of this sort is good...well great!)

J. tells me that this "chad's" parents have forbidden him to date this 1 of 20. They have said no contact and I guess they meant no contact. See "chad" would not be deterred from his brown skinned love. He spent all his free school time with her, talking to her, laughing with her, seeing the world through her eyes.

Well "laura" and "george" , "chad's" parent's weren't having it. They decided each of them would alternate days and stay with "chad" at school.
I caught my breath and just looked at J. , his response was "mom I saw them" and he didn't bat and eye. "chad's" parents followed him around the last week of school and the school allowed it. They have an open parental visiting policy, which suits every bigots needs.

J. and I discussed how "chad" felt and he said he was so embarrassed, that his racist parents were exposing themselves. So "chad and his 1 of 20, didn't speak to each other, however his 1 of 20 swapped phones with her best friend "becky" so they are still in contact just about everyday. The number comes up as "becky" and "chad's" parents are happy.

As for the 1 of 20's parents, J says they are military and could care less about the color of "chad's" skin. They don't know about all the drama.

We discussed J's. first run in with this kind of situation. His freshman year he dated a latina, who looked white. Her father is a doctor and he was opposed to J. because he was black. It broke J's heart and he cried, but I told him on that very spot that even the highly educated could be steeped in ignorance.
I told him to remember how he felt at that moment, to take that feeling and work through and use it!
I told him that he should never let someone tell him where his place should be, that his character is who he truly is no matter what others had to say.
I told the latina should could no longer call my house, because her parents had forbid her contact with J. She cried even harder.
Less than a year later when she was 16 she moved out of her parents house and went to live with friends, J. says she going to the "black" (we are 4% of this town's population) H.S. and has a black beau.

This town has been a blessing for my son. We had been wrapped in the cushioned military community (yes it's there but the level is minute outside the workplace) for so long, our reality of society was a little rose colored. He now knows how ugly the world can be, he understands ignorance has a real face.
He understands that other's hatred of him is not his limit, nor his mountain to climb. He now knows how his own great grandparents, great aunts and 2nd cousins will never be a part of our lives because to them we are just a bunch of niggers. I hope that when he looks at his dad, he sees the strength that lies with n him. A white man giving up his extended family to make a biracial one of his own.

Love doesn't conquer all. It does make it easier for us to turn our backs on others hate.

It really is 2008 ya'll. Even if some don't want it to be.

Upgrade who? Bitch sit down!

So I'm loading my iPod with different songs, trying to find songs with an upbeat bass driven tempo. I loaded up Upgrade U by Beyonce'. Yes, I'm a little late but hey I'm not a big fan of hers so I don't really know her music all that well.

I'm rolling down the road in my big truck and actually listening to the lyrics. She's the light that keeps the streets on...okay I like that play on words cute&catchy and I'm sure she paid a bundle to the person that ghost wrote that for her...
I was a little ticked when she said she can do what Martin did for the people or some shit like that...umm boo boo you ain't even got a GED...keep it moving stupid. Yes the child is paid but you need brains to keep all your cash...YOUR cash.

I'm going to pull this all together I promise. Wait for it.....Waaaaiiit fooor iiiit.......

Her and the camel are going back and forth on how they are going to upgrade each others' lives. She's going to be his ride or die chick making his money grow and he's going to buy her some nice stuff...this got me to thinking...











um oh hell naw!



See this is where we as black women mess up our own shit.

This fool is talking about buying diamonds and spending his loot on tricks and treats that cost a mint. Iff'n you going to be taking loot from a man who isn't your HUSBAND let that fool set you up with an IRA, some property, a college fund for yourself(and ya kids if you got 'em) and some CD's and stocks and the rest. I mean really tricks and treats are good, but a intelligent sista is trying to retire for reals.

Our daughters are so caught up in being the video hoe they can't see that they can be the head of a studio, shit the owner of the studio...Upgrade!

Beyonce' ain't no fucking role model. Talent doesn't always bring prosperity and success. With nothing to hold you down in the interim you just become supahead


Don't be supahead...be supahead's OB/GYN ...ya'll know she needs one on the regular

Don't be Jay Z's video hoe, be Jay Z's accountant, cause we all know camels ain't the best with the dollars!

We need to upgrade the dreams for ourselves and our girls.

Get your own shine...now that's an Upgrade!

Over heard from the couch while doing homework...

Me: "Jah feed the dog"

he starts outside and realizes he's missing shoes which is a big no no in our house
he goes to the front door and shuffles into a pair of shoes, proceed to grab the dogs' bowl and fills them

Syd: (5yrs old) "what are you doing in my shoes!"

Jah: (9yrs old) "they're shoes"

Syd: "those don't even look cute on YOU!"

***********************************THE END*****************************************

BLOG BEEF, THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKED UP...GROW THE FUCK UP!

What the fuck is wrong with our people?

One of my favorite bloggers had closed up shop. His writing was/is lyrical, deep, and comical all at the same time. He's one of my favorite comment droppers. Always insightful and on point.

He put folks on blast and closed his page. People been talking about the man's children (who are beautiful by the way) acting like they were supporting when they held hate in their hearts. Perhaps jealous about his talent for pen to pad.

I am a lover of words and I can't understand why people can't accept people and their talents.

So I'm giving Don...Minus the Bars, some love and a shout.
Thank you for sharing your gift with me. I hope you kill the literary world with your ink. When you are on your book tour I will be there, I'll be the short chocolate sister with the locs..."Hey Don it's me Poetry!" I'll even pay full retail for the privilege to bask in your words.

I'll miss your spot, stop by mine anytime.

AfterMath

I have never been good at math. I am good with money (great with other peoples' money) but math has always been where I lack the most, this flaw has cost me the most.

I didn't do the math. I didn't count it out. I didn't think ahead of what the true cost would be.

In between the joy and the pain of loving out of control I didn't do the math.

Nothing adds up, and I feel like I am left with less than nothing, a negative.

Holding my wounded heart in my hands trying to factor in all the figures. Counting all the things that come before me. Everything comes before me as it should be and I am left with nothing.

I am left with the "aftermath".

Gurl I AM you...

So me and Thelma are getting our workout on! The class is huge and they are pushing us to our limits, which is great.

There is a motley crew of folks some uncle sam's children, some spouses, and some civilians.

Thelma informs me that one of the sistas has gotten her education on and received her commission. I'm all for school I think it's the answer to A LOT of our communities problems.

But this sista has decided that those without that piece of paper are not HER kind. She doesn't speak to those who are enlisted...

At first I was disappointed, then I started writing this entry in my head.

I wanted to tell her, on a dark lonely road when no ones around Bubba and the like could give a fuck about your education. He's going to treat just like he would Shaniqua from around the way. Do not put your faith in those who wouldn't speak to you if it were not for your uniform. When you peel away uncle sam's straight jacket you are a BLACK WOMAN. Hair nappy, skin brown, nose wide, lips full, hips and ass abound. Don't lose your soul.

I ain't saying I want to have her over for dinner around my kids, but a hello and smile is free fifty free. I ain't saying I want to be friends. I'm saying don't forget who/what you are.

Look in that mirror gurl, I AM you!

Toni Town

Looks like we about to make that move to a REAL city.

We've been looking at houses, which is odd to me because a month ago I wouldn't have followed his ass to the mailbox.

I've been prayerful and hopeful. Surrounded with positive sistas who are all about family (shout out to Thelma and Big Sis) and staying strong.

Looking at schools and trying not to panic. I don't do well with change, but I do well with change...

I feel torn because I can't leave Thelma. Imma take her wit me. Let her come home on the weekends...hee hee!

We fam now so that's not going to change. We still gonna be in the wind...just coming from different directions. Already put the particulars in mapquest!

A real city, with real people, people who look like me. People who don't need to look AT me.

J is a little shook, but he betta get his black ass on the "bus" cause it's leaving the station. Better school opportunity for all the kids.

I'm trying to hold my excitement because there is so much to do and so little time to do it.

Toni Town here we come...Thelma you comin' too! <3

Roadtrip...Take III

I got my first piece of paper, happy to move on to the next step in this journey. Investing in my own mind...5yrs left.

Me and my girl Thelma 'bout to get in the wind...again!

I've retired my boots wit da fur, cause it's hot as hell in the south...I welcome summer like his dick running across my lips.

I'm so excited about this trip, exicted about the promise of summer. It's like being a kid again, hope and expectations.

I've been packing in mind for weeks now. Still on the prowl for just the right comfortable, yet semi sexy sandals. I *heart* sandals. Reminds of living on the island.

I'm ready to get the wheels turning...ShreveCity here we come....

Thelma where you at?

Priceless

Starter home 140K
New vehicle 27K
Custom made furniture 10K
Undergrad tuition 20K
Nursing school tuition 40K
Graduate school tuition 30K
Three kids, 2 dogs, and life in suburbia
Time in vested 13yrs 0.00 K


Knowing I can leave all the material gains behind and survive without you...muthfuckin' priceless

Don't forget I was born in the projects I know how to be poor...


i ain't a killa but don't push me

Titties!!!!!

I went back for my 2nd mammogram. Got my results today. My titties are healthy. I'm so happy. That mammogram shit hurt like a motherfucker. Felt like my nipples were going to pop off and roll around on the floor. I wanted to snatch that becky and tell her my shit don't go flat like that. She fucking up my shape. After 3 babies I don't need no help!

Thank you Lord for my blessings.

Poetry LURVE the titties!

My Blessings

I could see the pain in her face. Single mom trying to hold it down all alone. I've been there and I've done that. I went to the ATM and got the money. Not because I'm ballin' out of control, but because I had it and she needed it. I have been blessed. She cried and thanked me. I played it down because I ain't no hero, I did it as much for her as I did for me. So the pressure is off of her if only for a couple of weeks, but I know what a difference a couple of weeks can make. Thank you Lord for all of my blessings.

BREAK TIME!

LAWD! I am ready for graduation. I'm just tired of books and papers and deadlines...oh my! Working on my final projects (only in my head) and getting ready for a 3o day break.

Unfuckwitable...

Ninja be really chasing ALL that glitters and gold. Oh you like Denzel now...king kong ain't got nuthin' on you! Coming at me is like pissin' into the wind. You need to sit down some where. LOL! Poetry is unfuckwitable! I hope when you FINALLY catch all that glitter and gold you don't turn into THAT bitchass ninja.

working through

I'm working through one day at a time. Today has started as a good day. I'll take that.

You gotta know!

I need you to know I want you to know and you have to know...


ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU.

Your game ain't strong like mine, your game don't run like mine. Your game don't shine like mine.

Lights out on yo dumb ass!

Dealing..

I'm dealing with this shit on a daily basis. Trying to figure out where I go from here and when I go from here and if I go from here. Big Sis says to pray. I'm speaking with the most high on the daily. Running through this storm trying to avoid the hell (not hail). Ducking around my emotions that swing like a dead man on a noose. I am not angry right this moment, but I am hurt and confused and maybe just a little bit deserving of all this.

ME

So you want to go there, well we are there. Couldn't keep your game strong, so now it's here, right here.

I'm a hypocrite I suppose, but that door ain't going to close. While you looking like WTF? I keep looking out for self. So if you trying to run that game Black Chris, your game gotta be better than mine boo boo.

I am from the projects you don't know me, I guess I didn't know you. But now that I see, my eyes are on my prize. Imma do me.

Colorful Dream-(Repost)

The floor is polished hardwood dark and rich

A huge bay window throws light on all the beauty within the room

He is completely bare, naked beneath her

She is straddling him
her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders

His hands pulling her body tightly to his

She is on the verge of weeping

He is inside of her

He is kissing her face

No words are spoken

Their hearts have said everything that is to be said

She can feel his heart beating her breasts to his chest

His lips to her need

Well Damn!

Why ain't no body tell me I'm walking around here with my pants unzipped! WTF? I ain't even got on my cute panties, damn period panties! I'm putting roots on all of these folks. That just ain't right! Damn!

Weekend Update

I have a tendency to drink and write. Which is fine as long as I send it out to the world. I like to get tilted but not twisted. Had myself a little ME party this weekend. Finished a little homework and decided to celebrate. Let Jose' have that ass and I was happy.

Hit the club with Thelma (hey girl lurve you!) got to dance and relax.

Graduation is just around the corner. I know I haven't given 100% so I don't feel like I have accomplished all I could have. Bad midget!

My mind has been filled with wandering and wondering.

Thought about Timmay! and all he's going through. I don't want to imagine his pain. I just want to give him big ol' hug; love is a bitch.

Replayed moments over and over in my head.

Wandering and wondering...

Timmy...

I heard that things fell apart. That your heart is breaking...aching.

It's hard to let go. I've been there.

I imagine you sitting alone in that house, wondering where it all went wrong.

I'm sorry for your tears, there is something about a man's pain and the expression of it through tears.

She's gone, the kids gone, the family gone. Life as you knew it gone.

I felt your loneliness that night, your eyes so sad hidden behind a haze of liquor and fake bravado.

Felt it in your hands, knew my loneliness matched your own.

You seem like good people, like we could be friends.

I'm praying for sunshine to return to your world. I hope that you find your smile sooner rather than later.

and to me you will always be timmaytimmaytimmaytimmay AH timmay!!!!!

May you have peace and blessings Tim, and of course light.

How in the fuck?

How in the fuck do you lose your job over some bullshit? Parking....no really parking...for reals....parking?

Back in the day you would have beat my ass over some dumb shit like that.

That's like getting fired on your day off...it don't make a damn bit of sense.

Why can't you get yourself together, you're damn near sixty years old?

Looks like I'll be paying my mortgage and someone else's rent next month.

I just got one question for you mama? How.in.the fuck?

yesterday

I sat across from a little boy last night that looked like a mini you. The hair, the glasses, the face. I just smiled at him. I thought about you for hours last night. Running through fading memories, trying to keep them intact.

I still love you, the anger has faded. I miss you. I miss the times we just laid back and talked crazy shit to each other. Or how you would chill after your shift and hang out, breakfast at dawn. I miss you and me getting our salsa on in the da club. Dudes hatin' on us cause you didn't give a shit you wasn't a brotha. I miss the way you loved the hell out of your family and how you were real honest about their prejudices. I miss how you expressed yourself, sometimes tears sometimes laughter.
I.miss.you.

Nando I hope you are doing well, living out your dreams in Dirty Jersey. I hope your heart has found it's light and I hope she makes you happy. Remember it's hard work to love someone.

My heart is with you no matter how many year pass. Do you babe.

I'll see you in my dreams.

Gangsta Granny

One of my co-worker said she wanted to be the cookie baking type of grandma.

It got me to thinking, I'm going to be the grandma who hands out money and lets the kids eat cake (store bought) and candy. When my grandkids OTHER grandma offers them homemade cookies and cakes, my grandkids are going to be like "Well grandma Poetry gave us 100 dollars each to go to the mall, we're going to buy cookies there." The other grandma is going to be all salty and shit. I'm going to start throwing up my grandma gang signs at her. Let her know I ain't no punk. Then I'm going to walk it out on her old ass.

That's the kind of grandma I'm going to be.

GANGSTA!

I said it...

In a response to something Don said I said I was cancer serious...poor choice of words...very poor.

In me news

They called for a repeat mammogram. I had gotten notification in the mail and tried not to breakdown in front of my kids. It's a terrifying thought, my body may be turning on itself.

It's the right breast, just the right one. I feel sick and scared and just a little bit angry. I won't be seen until the 15 of April. Tax day. The day so many people fear is a now a day of terror for me too. Perhaps it's nothing or perhaps it's the beginning of the fight for my life. Right now I just feel like I'm running scared.

Think

There are times when I think I over think things. My mind is never at rest. It can be exhausting. I find there are others who don't think enough. Words have power, the power to change and the power to mobilize emotions. How do you give words and not think of the power they posses? How could you not think of that? Probably by not thinking at all.

2 days late and now here you are!

When it showed up this I was like "Where the fuck you been? I been waiting on your ass for 2 days, got me pacing the floor thinking the worst. Yo ass just shows up like you ain't late and at 5 o'clock in the morning. What the fuck is that about? Why you gotta be a late motherfucker, why can't you show up on time?" Welcome back and don't do this shit to me again. Fucker!

baby, I need you

You and only you are the only thing on my mind.

I've been fighting the tears. I need you.

I'm late and I'm scared. I need you.

it's only 2 days only 2 days only 2 days only 2 days

what have we done? I need you.

repost...He Don't Hate Me

He knows me, he knows my fears my insecurities. He understands me at my worst and loves me at my best. He knows when I'm afraid I lash out to protect me. He understands my demons and how at times I have to chase them, though I may never catch them he understands I must try. He sees my harshness and loves me in his own way the only way he can...part time. I know my life is better for having him in it. I know even when it seems he's not there...He Don't Hate Me.

Wake up!!!

There will be no making love, not now.

I'm wide awake, as he sleeps.

He is exhausted.

I just want to scream WAKE UP!

so I can fuck him again!

I'm going to let him sleep for 20 more minutes, then I'm going to suck him awake!

He can sleep tomorrow, I need him inside me now! I need his tongue on my clit later!

24 passed

I saw him through the glass rotating door. I felt my heart clench in my chest.

I ran to him, threw myself into his arms and felt relief as he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around what was left of me.

I breathed in his scent, finding home in the essence that is him.

I began to cry, a slow full moan type of cry. He held me tighter and whispered softly in my ear...

"it's okay I'm here"

He pulled me away from him and kissed me, almost 6 mths worth.

Our blessings have come full circle.

No illusions of perfections, just two people who love each other caught up in a moment where the rest of the world disappeared. We stood alone in a airport full of people.

We were again one, finding home within our hearts as we stood in the sunshine of the afternoon.

We moved towards home, to reunite our family.

I watched baby girl's eyes light up like fire as she ran to him, throwing herself upon his long legs, she stayed close to him for hours to follow.

Jah kept wondering if it were all a dream, he had dreamed of daddy coming back to him so many nights before. He snuggled up under his soul twin, the exact place he had dreamed of being.

J jumped up and down smiling and screaming, no sign of the cool teenager who had been herding his brother and sister moments before. He didn't hold back his tears. This wasn't his first or second reunion of this kind, but his emotions run raw, he gave them life through his tears.

We all set around the house falling into a familiar groove.

He's home

24...

In less than 24hrs I will be in his arms. I thought of him today and tears sprang into my eyes.

This has been a roller coaster of a life.

I'm actually nervous, but excited all at the same time.

Tilted not twisted

Now I'm not into calling him daddy, not my thing, but EVERYTHING else in this song gets me tilted. I need him to make me cry to the rhythm of this song...then start all over and do me again.

Both of his hands in my locs, me on all fours, his hips to my ass... take out your frustrations on ME!

Nessa

She died today. My mind is just wandering over the memories of her in my childhood.

Me, the little fat girl, whose head was always in a book.

Her, the fat and fabulous godmother who told me it wouldn't matter what people thought of me because I was strong and smart...a deadly combination.

Her personality would enter the room before she did. Always the largest one in the room, but also the one with the biggest heart.

I can still hear her laughter, big and bold reflecting who she was.

Educated and driven.

I can't believe she is gone. She knew me before I knew myself.

I hope you find peace Aunt Vanessa. I love you always.

The joining of two souls

Me sucking you.

This is where I want to be

You inside of me.

I'm closing my eyes

Your hands on my hips as you slide deeper into me.

I'm holding my breath

Me on the edge of everything of I've ever wanted.

My heart is racing

Your lips on my nipples.

I'm moaning your name

I feel you pulse pulse pulse as you release all of your love inside of me.

My soul is sated

I'm trying to get my mind right. So many things going on in my head, trying to put them in order to make some sense of them.

I keep hearing your voice, my name on the tip of your tongue.

You are my soul's choice. You are my mind's focus. You are the other half of me.

I know the exact moment you became a true part of me, I wonder if you felt me becoming that part of you.

Don't chase it...

ORGASM.

This word is enough to drive people quite mad.

I like orgasms, I have had them for more than half of my life.

There are more important things in the moment of sexual connections than the "O"...

The look on my man's face at that very moment that he slips into my wetness...that look in his eyes when he finally realizes that I am his in every way that is important...the fouls words that comes from his mouth as I lean forward on top of him and ride that dick because no matter what it is mine.

Let's not forget the shine that is left on his face when he's eaten that pussy like his very soul depends on devouring my creamy middle.

People can spend their lives chasing an orgasm, in doing so you miss those moments that linger long after the orgasm has cum and gone.

It's not about bringing your "A" game, it's about loving her with YOUR soul exposed.

Don't chase your woman's orgasm, if you have done your job you have left her with so much more...

For the first time in a long time, I do not want to put my faith in you.

I'm scared of you in a way that is foreign to me.

I hear your words, but they are just that.... words. Words with no backbone, words that can not stand on their own.

I wonder if this is the beginning of an ending. I don't want that, but at the moment I not sure I want you.

I want to feel safe with you. For you to be MY soft place to land. Right now I'm just out there.
Just me.

Excited!!

Today I am excited.

I got less than week and my yum yum is home. Gonna get my back blown the fuck out! YES!ohkellyclarksoneddiemurphy!

I'm taking another roadtrip with Thelma, we about to be in the wind. (hey girl!)

Spring Break starts today.... for me.

In the words of Ice Cube...Today was a good day!

In this moment I feel my weakness, the strength of my love for you.

I want to fall into your arms and tell you I love you.

Hear you say my name....Here you say my name.


Meet me here <3

Umm...excuse me.

Excuse me, yes you.

I know this may seem like a strange request but I wouldn't ask if it weren't very important.

You see I am on edge, wound tight like a brand new rubber band.

I've been working very hard as of late and my life has been very busy.

I was wondering if you would eat my pussy.

Now if you don't feel up to the job, or feel perhaps your skills are lacking I will gladly allow you to decline my offer.

Okay you seem a bit hesitant, I understand that completely.

Why don't you just start out sucking on my clit, just for a little while until we see how it's going?

Would that be alright with you?

Your cooperation and attention to detail with this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

and Today

I'm at the gym this morning getting my girl stroke on (my workout)

I'm listening to Janet's new one on my iPod. That was my first mistake.

Sweet Mercy! I needed to rip my clothes off and fuck somebody! I ain't playing ya'll, that little OLD white man next to me don't know how close he came to getting some of this sweet sweet chocolate.

SHIT!

I felt like I was on fire. With every step my clit felt like it was going to send me over the edge head first into that old man's lap.

It's gotten that bad ya'll.

I ain't counting the days, this bad ass broad is counting the hours and soon the minutes.

I'm making numerous trips to redtube.com. Giving it to myself so good I'm calling out my OWN name, but it's not good enough.

I need my back blown out, his dick between my wet lips at the back of my throat. I need to run my tongue over a pair of nicely GROOMED balls. Sucking until he moans is own submission.

My face buried HAPPILY in his lap, fullfilling my need and bringing his along on my pussy's ride.

Deep strokes on top of deeper strokes, legs on shoulders, my ass in his palms.

His hands in my locs...pulling. hard.

My breasts in his mouth, nipples tightening...mmmmmm.

On my hands and knees begging moaning needing. Struggling for breath on his down stroke.

His palms on my ass squeezing as he gives me every last inch of him. My submission.

Sweet Mercy.

I.need.that.man.

it is...

Sometimes hope is all you have to get you to the next maybe.

can we....

Another day...another chance...hope

Damn!

“It’s hard waiting around for something you know might never happen, but it is even harder to give up when it is everything you’ve ever wanted.”

These words hit me and washed over me. It just speaks to me, calls my first middle and last name. Damn.

It's true

It's true that little girls become women and fall in love with men who are like their daddy.

I am a daddy's girl, from the tip of my longest loc to the soles of my feet.

I love my daddy flaws and all.

He taught me through his own mistakes, if I held my head and heart just right disappointments looked like opportunities.
So today I will take this "opportunity" to express myself.


I am 38 hot right now!!! (Shout out to Thelma)

Damn ninja! I'm not even asking you to meet me half way. Not asking you to turn your world upside down. Shit, I ain't even trying to change who you are.

Just like my daddy ninjas make promises they can't keep. Seeking my light to illuminate his darkness, but falling short...again.

I used to ask my daddy to give me the world but stopped when I realized he is just a man...just as you are just a man.

I will stop asking and simply do for me...today for me I put on those sexy panties, the ones that are cut low in the back and tie on the sides.

So when you finally get the wind in your hair. I will meet YOU half way, because I am YOUR girl and I love you flaws and all.

Ride

I am longing for someone to talk dirty to me. Sweet mercy. I need to ride some dick...today...not tomorrow. Longing for someone to suck my clit and I would gladly return the honor. Longing for someone to run their tongue over my nipples. Longing for someone to devour me.

This shit is not fair!

Uncle Sam...the nation's biggest cock blocker!

YOU....

Stop being such a fucking hater damn!

Happy Birthday Thelma

Today is her day, the day of her beginning.

She is the mirror to my soul...a sista, a writer, a poet.

We share the same goal. To express ourselves, pen to paper. Heart exposed.

I thank her for encouraging me to be a better prose conductor.
I thank her for her words of wisdom.
I thank her for being the Thelma to my Louise.
I thank her for making me want to do better, be better.
I thank her for understanding my heart's desires.

On this day I hope you find joy in being blessedly wonderfully you.

I love you girl <3

Happy Birthday!!!!

My pussy

My pussy is wet...thoughts of you

I am destined...

While the tension between my shoulders is intense. My mind is relaxed.

I feel this energy running through my body like a freight train. Want. Need.

Within my grasps, but not mine...not yet.

It's like fever without the heat, rolling across my body. Resting between my shoulders... waiting.

What could have taken me over, simply took me.

Everyday does not bring opportunity to focus on the intensity of want, the intensity on the edge of need.

Hot with anger in one moment, weak from need in another.

Here I sit hot and stronger in love than ever.

Closing my eyes for this moment...takes me back to you, where I am destined to be.

Sorry

I'm sorry you are hurting today.
I'm sorry for the pain and distance in your heart.
I'm sorry you are crossing that thin line between love and hate.
I'm sorry I can do nothing, but offer my time.
I'm sorry the word divorce has become a part of your hearts vocabulary.
I'm sorry that for today love is not enough.

Because I'm blessed!

On the days I feel like I don't want to do it. I think of my Granny(RIP) cleaning and cooking for white folks all her life. I know I am blessed to have the opportunity to finish my education. I think of all my ancestors who were bought and sold, who NEVER had the chances I have been given. I think of my children and what my example will mean to them some day (or even today) and on the days when all that doesn't help, I cry and then I feel a little bit better

PENIS

Sweet Mercy!

I need some PENIS! It's been forever since I've had some yum yum!

Ms. Layla got some new jewelry and she's wanting some company!

I want to see it, touch it, taste it, feel it. I WANT SOME YUM YUM!!!

It just ain't right. I'm in my sexual prime and I can't get none. The need is driving me crazy. My nipples stay hard all day long...it's painful. They need some lovin'. A little flick of the tongue, lips on my skin.

Sometimes my clit starts this thumping thing, like a beat of an African drum. Speaking to my core, setting the beat of my heart.

My thighs long for bruising, friction.

Soft, rough, gentle, fast, slow, r e a l slow.

I miss the tip, the head, the shaft, that little spot just under the head. I miss the balls, their texture, the taste, the weight of them.


I NEED PENIS!!!

I'm suppose to writing a paper on cloning for my nursing Psych class. I decided to run some errands and then get to work (yeah right!)

I also decided to stop by my favorite piercing shop and change out my jewelry.


I have a thing for piercings, I've loved piercings since BEFORE they were on everybody's every where. I have 6 ear piercings, one nose piercing and the hood of my clit is pierced for the 2nd time.

I got a nice little diamond stud for the top of my right ear and a small gold hoop in the top of my left ear. I got a cute pink O ring for my clit hood. It is so sexy to me to see that pink ring peeking out of all my goodness. I can't wait to show that one off....pics coming soon.....














NOT.

Getting ready....check

Toothbrush...check
Toothpaste...check
Body Wash...check
Loofah...check
Body Oil..check
Cute Thongs...check
Cute Panties...check
Cute Bras...check
Cute Jeans...check
Cute Tops...check
Come Fuck Me Pumps...check
High Heel Boots...check
Make Up...check
Perfume..check
Diva Attitude...check
Vacay Loot...check

I was disappointed. I can't say it wasn't expected. It's not the first time (the disappointment). There are times in your mind when you think, not this time. When that time comes you feel it and a small part of you expected (the disappointment) anyway. I just shook my head and laughed (disappointed). My life is different, not better not worse just different. One(disappointing) monkey don't stop my show!

Tamiflu got dat ass!

So I'm laid up on the couch like I'm going through withdrawal.

Baby girl got the flu and then passed it on to me.

Oh the aches and the chills and the cough and did I mention the aches?

So the doc prescribes some Tamiflu for the both of us.

Oh how I love you Tamiflu.

I felt like Tamiflu was kicking the shit out of the flu virus. Whipping dat ass! I uncurled on the couch and picked up my laptop...take that flu virus...how's it feel to get fucked up..huh? Tamiflu on dat ass. Run run run... here it comes....run flu run.

Take that Tamiflu bitch and don't bring ya ass back 'round here!

It was all gonna be different

I remember when I went back home in '98 to be matron of honor in my BFF's wedding. I had been in the military in NC. We had never been apart by geographical distant for such a long time. I missed her something terrible and I think we both had begun to grow into the people we were destined to become.

I hadn't met the man she was to marry. My first encounter with him was at the airport. He seemed like a nice enough guy, he was white and I didn't think KC would EVER marry white man. She had ALWAYS talked about having obviously mexican/native american children. Her biracial background had always caused her to question where she stood. She swore her children would not live that.

I remember we hung out a lot prior to the wedding. I had only been married a short time. My marriage was in a very bad place. KC had always been the romantic type, love will conquer all, love everlasting type. I didn't talk about my hubster AT ALL, but I talked ( I guess too much) about my best friend Juan. I was sitting across from her fiance' when he asked me why I talked about Juan and not my husband. KC looked at me, her eyes begging me to be gentle with him
(she was always nice to strays) I took a minute and then I smiled and told him...I talk about Juan so much because he is the most important man in my life right now. I thought the fiance' would pass out right there at the table. He tried to recover and then he said...but you're married. As if that was all the explanation that was needed. I smirked ready to break it down for him, but KC looked so afraid. I wanted her to be happy with this guy. So I told him his words were words of someone who OBVIOUSLY wasn't married to MY husband.

KC and talked later and she asked me why I had gotten married? I told her I loved him, but love wasn't always enough. She got this look on her face as if to say it would be different for her that love would be enough.

It's been almost ten years and guess what...it wasn't, not even close.

I know before I got married I would look at married people and wonder why their marriages seems so difficult. I placed blame and shook my head, they just hadn't married the right person.
I knew my marriage was gonna be different...it wasn't.

It takes a lot of work to make a marriage last, it takes more than love...it takes courage.

Courage to love through the bad times. Courage to lay yourself open and admit it just might be YOUR issues that are fucking things up, or at least adding to the strain. It takes courage to forgive and take love for what it is...a gift.

@3 o'clock

Your heart and mine

I often wonder if we are walking the same life path...

Walking the same path away from them towards each other

No, I can not marry you...

In passing conversation with a friend we joked about alternate spouses. He claims he is gonna kick his wifey to the curb! After 23+ yrs of marriage, NEGRO PLEASE! I laughed at him because we all make silly "Imma jump bad" comments about our spouses. Then he threw out, the fact that I would be the new wifey. I laughed at him and choked on the water I was drinking. He looked stunned that I turned down his mock proposal. He looked hurt at the fact I didn't find him to be a suitable mate. I told him if and when(fat chance) I left the hubster there is only one person on the planet I would consider marrying (it ain't him!). He laughed and said forget that chump (how 70's is that?) I told him there were other reasons as well. I told him I couldn't marry him because he is ALWAYS LATE!

I hate that shit with a passion. I find it niggerish and tired! If you suppose to be some where at 8am don't stroll into that mofo at 811am like it's show time! YOU LATE BITCH!!!
I've stopped dating people because they were chronically late.
This to me is an UNACCEPTABLE character flaw. Iff'n you don't value your time, that says a lot about your value. You gets no love when it comes to lateness. MOVE YOUR ASS and get there on time. If you're not early then you late!

So he claims he is going to be on time from now on...I still ain't marrying him! LOL!!!