In me news

I had a dentist appt today...no cavities...yay me! BUT my teeth are on the move again so now I have to wear this stupid ass retainer for 24hrs a day for the next 7 days. I HATE THIS THING, but straight teeth are my blessing because they are naturally that way, but as I've gotten older...thanx mother time...they have started to shift...hence the retainer.

Tomorrow I see a new therapist, couples counseling to see if we are going to stay together...how scary is that? To love someone, but dislike them at the same time. I do love him, there is a part of me that is all soft and warm for him (not in a sexual way), but then there's my own rage right below the surface...so tomorrow another journey begins...

I'm back on my meds, it amazes me how while he was gone I was able to maintain and do without them, but I felt that darkness coming for me and I grabbed that prescription bottle with both hands... I was shaking as I swallowed the first one, that was 3 days ago. 20milligrams of happy goodness.

I want to grab him and slap him and hug him all at the same time. We don't talk, we do this dance of distance and silence, thank Goddess the little ones are gone for the summer.

This whole thing makes me so sad, we were so great together. Us against the world now it's seems to be us against each other.

I miss the flutter I used to get when he would step into a room. I felt like my heart would skip a beat and I would feel the smile on my face before I even knew it was there. It makes my heart heavy to know I have lost that, that perhaps I have lost us, lost him.

My bff KC says she really truly believes we are meant for each other, that we just fit, I was surprised she said that she is not his biggest fan by far. She says she can see the love in his eyes when we are together. I'm glad someone sees it.

I know no matter what THIS time I will survive in one piece, stable mind, and stronger.


and still I rise...