Me Today

I'm feeling better today. Still need to swallow my pride and swallow those pills, but it's like admitting failure on some level...

I danced around the living room with my baby girl this morning. There is something about her laugh that makes the world okay. She was just moving and laughing. I didn't even realize we were making memories she will share with her daughter some day, I wouldn't miss that for the world.

I'm feeling so much better today!

breakdown

It has come to this

I'm having a break down

The more I write the worse I feel

I feel the tumbling beginning and I can't stop it

There is no terror this time it doesn't frightening me any more

I will go back on my meds tomorrow
Why do I keep doing this? I know I need them for at least six months but I have come to hate the trade off

It feels like death in small steps that is the only way I know to describe it
I love them I will not leave them my blessings

I'm having a break down

AM332

India Arie says

I love the way he speaks I love the way he thinks I love the way he treats his mama I love that gap in between his teeth I love him in every way that a woman can love a man from personal to universal but most of all it's unconditional
That's the way I feel and I always will....

Mint Condition asks What Kind of Man Would I Be? I've always loved that song. It makes me sad in a way. How is it you can love someone so much but do nothing? Is that possible? Maybe it's not really love.

Babyface asks What If? What if you are really supposed to be with me? How can you be sure that things are better if can't be sure your heart ain't still here with me? Still wanting me....

The sins of my father

Beware you are warned

I think I was 7... I stood outside that school for what seemed like forever. This was a time when a child could be out alone everyone else had gone home. I sat on the railing my skirt blowing in a very unladylike fashion. I usually walked home but it was Friday and I was spending the weekend with my dad. Mom had packed my good clothes in a small bag which sat sad and lonely beside me. He did finally show but offered no explanation as to why I was the only one still left.
That wouldn't be the last time. I loved that man so it didn't really matter to me, not at that time. I couldn't let it matter.

I must have set by that door for 3 hours my mother had switched from cigarettes to fat joints at the end of hour 2. I didn't want to call him because I knew he was on the way, he wouldn't be home. At the end of hour 4 it was 11pm. I called and he picked up the phone. He was sleeping. "Daddy are you gonna pick me up?" I looked to my moms because she had started to sweat on her top lip which was a sure as shit sign she was beyond pissed. He was groggy not on top of his game so in that moment he was honest...he had forgotten it was his weekend. I was 9 and this would be the first time my heart was broken. He promised he would come get me the next morning, but the damage to my female soul was done. I remember unpacking my bag and crying for the rest of the night. My mother would tell me not once but many times "that nigga ain't shit, he's crazy!"
These moment in the history of me and my father would mold me in ways I still think about today. I learned in these moments that men are flawed, but I learned to accept those flaws and at times take them as my own. These moments allowed me to let men into my soul who didn't not deserve to be there. These moments taught me to take less because perhaps I didn't deserve more. My father would always give me wisdom and life teaching, but his actions taught me so many more things I didn't need to know. Because of the sins of my father I have been able to love men who did not deserve that love or deserve me for that matter. My father's actions taught me to overlook and accept less, because a little bit of something is better than nothing. When you are 9 yrs old you do not want to know your daddy is flawed, but he has given me so much more than I even realize. It ain't all bad. I love my daddy flaws and all.

AM319

Sunday Morning

It is early Sunday morning and I can't sleep. Even my usual self love hasn't brought sleep to my doorstep. Hubster is sick so there will be no early morning love. I'm smiling as I think of his toes curling as he releases. Nothing in the world like oral pleasure.

So I writing in hopes of bringing on some much needed rest. Listening to Heather Headley on my iPod. Trying not to think to much. Just trying to be. Been on the verge of tears sappy love songs. Jaheim makes me want to curl up and block out the world. When he sings and says forever I believe him. He makes me believe in forever. Babyface will ask when will I see you again? That is a question that has no answer. I want to go walking but it's 240 in the AM. So I will sit at this computer letting my mind wander to other parts of the world.

He lays awake beside her, her breathing is heavy. The kids have worn her out with their demands and his needs still aren't met. He runs his large hand over his head, and wonders how they ended up this way. How he works so hard but nothing seems to work. Does he stay for the kids or does he stay because his own pride will not let him admit defeat...again? He loves her. He wonders as he watches her sleep, is that all there is? Where did it go wrong? He fears he will never be able to make it right. His mind slips to her his own escape, he's able to occupy his own mind to get away from his own reality if only for a short time. He wonders if she is still awake... she is and her mind is not on him but on her own life and how she can be SHE with in a WE. She remains silent because silence has become safety. He finally falls off to sleep his breathing soon matches the her beside him because in reality that is what is to be.

I want to start writing full time but I can not concentrate on one thing long enough so I can capture it. Jill Scott says I am here.
Maybe I will go for a ride...nah fucking gas prices!

Jill says if you don't recognize my presence I am here. And even if you don't recognize me I am here

Do you know I am here? I am here.

AM 255

I have to recant my previous statement

I said in a previous I believed the female gentials were unattractive. I admit when I wrong. I was wrong! This is a natural beauty in form so pure it's breathtaking. Doesn't it make you want to put your mouth on it and live in the sweetness?

Reading list

I've decided to read until my hear is content this summer. Reading is one of my favorite things to do so here is my current reading list.

Sewing For Dummies...will be reading this off and on all summer
Undead and Unappreciated...I really loved this book it should be made into a movie. It was cute and funny
Sunday Brunch...this was an okay read..wouldn't recommend it
Lucky in the Corner
The Pregnancy Test...read this one in one night, it was sexy and funny and a terrific light read

Silk Chocolate

I saw this photo today and it took my breath away. It is sensual and spiritual on a level that reaches into my heart and stirs my soul. Just looking at this makes my clit swell with sweet anticipation. It is like chocolate silk. I want to see the in between

I want to be there

I am so wet right now. I stumbled upon a blog that was actually a site. My God this woman's words are amazing. The writing talent she displays makes me long for higher education and a dirtier mind.



I can read her words and visualize the moments the touching the wetness.

I need a moment

Blah Blah blah blah

I write in my mind all the time. There are things running around in there I can never catch or if I catch them there is no where to put them at that time.

Why do men lie? They say they just want a quicky, but what's the definition of quick? Mine is 10 minutes, he's is 35. That is false advertising. I mean damn.
I'm not a fan of morning sex, I like to kiss during sex and morning breath is a deal breaker so you use the spoon position so no one is offended. I do love his heavy hands in the morning.

Just me?

I would not allow her to speak his name. We have a nickname for him so I don't ever have to say his name out loud. It may sound silly to some but words have power and speaking his name allows him to live in a part of my mind. To invade my dreams. I am trying to see clearly to cut through the bullshit and deal with the truth and what is real. I have found it is an everyday process.

She is not getting married now. Moving back to GA to start her life over. I felt the pain in her words. She is strong but the pain is still real. I pray for her and her happiness as I pray for my own awakening, my own strengthening.

There are moments when I wonder how I came to be in this place and at what moment will I see clearly and move to another moment of being just me?

White woman why are you bitchin?

SO I'm browsing the web and looking at different blogs and stuff.

I come across a blog where some white chick is bitchin about how playboy only wants fake boob blondes. I started to leave a nasty little comment but decided to write here instead. I like white people in general but some white chicks just get under my skin with their whining and woe is me bullshit! Their asses have always been idolized in american culture so why are they bitchin' ? I don't want to be some society ideal because I like the nappy the fat ass and the strong will to survive that has been passed down from my sistas before me.

I'm just sick to death of white chicks complaining about an ideal they help create. An ideal that leaves most of the world out in the cold. It's your ideal if you don't like it change it or decided to say fuck it!

Stop whining already...

Fickle me

There are times when I can not be swayed in what I want. It seems as of late I am fickle, more fickle than I ever remember being. From one moment to the next I can not seem to stick with what I want. One moment of clarity perhaps?

I want it I don't want it I ache for it I don't ache for it I need it I don't need it I'm sure I'm not sure I'm angry I'm not angry I love I don't love...what has become of me?

These are not my people

I live in the heart of whiteland. Now I have nothing against white folks in general half my family is white and I don't mean kinda white or passing for white I mean white.

So I'm at my son's baseball game because as a mother who wishes to get into heaven I must do the motherly thing and cheer on my little crumbsnatcher when he hacks at the ball.

Well I'm looking around and because I hear voices and not the ones that are in my head because those voices sound "ethnic". I look around to find a sea of sun damaged skin and blond hair. I was shocked. Now I can hold my own when I am the only one of my kind (black and nappy) in a crowd but those voices take me back to my all white high school and I hated that place. SO I get up and move cause these women are messing up my energy. I go stand in the shade where they need to be because they are years past sun damage.

Then I hear one of them calling their soon to be damaged children she calls her daughter who are running amuck because they have no home training. Her daughters are name Emma Claire and Anna Claire. I was like SWEET JESUS that is just wrong. Now everyone is always talking how MY people are wrong for the Sheequneiska and Alize and Deontraphonika names we give our children but no one bats a eye if these whitebread folks name their kids some of the blandest boringest shit on the planet. Why is there no outcry and outrage. That shit ain't right and it's ugly on a different level. But ain't no one saying a word.

Well I'm saying it today that shit ain't right, but you best believe an employer is gonna know Emma Claire and Anna Claire ain't from the hood. I get it now it's a set up from the get go. Just another step up for the white upperclass.

That shit ain't right...

Another day in the sunshine

When I took the test yesterday I was scared to death. I watched my blood pump into that tube. I was scared. Hubster asked me if I wanted to go alone, I wanted to go alone. If my body was turning on itself I simply wanted to be the first and only person in my world to know at that moment in time. They put a rush on the results but I still had to wait 17hrs. I waited in that white gown for what seemed like forever, life seeping out of me minute after minute. I'm not dying it's not cancer it's not going to kill me. Today was my day to walk in the sunshine. Next time will I be so blessed? I thought of my children and who would teach them what it means to be a person of color in this world that wants pure whiteness? Who would teach my baby girl to be a strong black woman? Sunshine. I was not robbed today, told me to take the pills 3x per day. They will make me sick but I will take them, because today I was given another day in the sunshine.

Hotep