I watched...

They took her off all of her meds...no food...strictly IV. When I walked into the room I stopped turned around and took a minute in the hallway. Broke my spirit for a moment...FiFi hugged me. Strong black sistas, that is us.
I sat in the corner with my Auntie...watching and waiting for her body to release her. Wanting her to rest. She gasped and worked hard for each breath. My sis just stroked her cheek and spoke in calming words. They had always been close and I never envied that...she was my mother's favorite as well. I was too much like my Dad...oh to the well.
I didn't move from that spot until it was time to leave...I stood at her bedside and touched her skin, even after 84yrs of living it is still flawless, chocolate brown like my own. I kissed her forehead, she looked up at me...

"Granny I'm at a loss for words which isn't like me, but I want you to know what you have passed onto me, your strength, your pride. I am a T***** woman and you have given us all a gift. Strength in spirit and love. I will take that with me and give that to my own daughter. I love you Granny. We will be alright please don't worry, we will take care of each other. It's okay for you to go now... rest"

I stroked her small fro as the tears felt hot on my face. Even with my tears on her brown skin she was still flawless

Mama's Drama

I wanted to write today about so many things that I’m not able to write about anything so here goes my attempt.

My granny is/was sick she’s doing much better today…talking and alert. She’s a fighter from the word G-O!!! She’s passed that on to the women in our family. We are strong in spirit but not always in heart and mind, but we stand together in a time of crisis and that’s what truly matters.

Now my mother is my Granny’s favorite child, my sorry ass uncle is a close 2nd. I don’t claim to be kin to him because he’s just so trife and I don’t have the energy for his shit.
My mother is a Drama Queen since the time she left the womb and my Granny spoiled her. During this trip I couldn’t deal with my mother, she broke down several times, even when all the rest of us were trying to live in the wonderful light of family my Granny has passed onto us, she was silent and sulking. I moved away from her because I was hurting as well and I needed to live my Granny’s light.
She broke down at the hospital laying on the floor screaming and crying…I tried to take the stairs because the elevator was too slow…do you know that hospital now lock their stairways and they are unlocked automatically when there is a fire? Ain’t that some shit!!! I left her in front of the elevator with my Big sis and her Hubster. I just pushed the 1st floor button and watched the doors close. She was screaming she wanted to die. Which would leave me and my sis motherless, so once again in life I was so insignificant, I wasn’t worth living for, my children weren’t worth living for. I took that shit real personal. I wanted to dare her to do it, because I was so angry she was bringing her drama.
I left the hospital with my little sis and my young niece who has witnessed the whole ordeal. I put them in the truck and called my Dad(lub lub lub) who happens to be my best friend…I freaked out on him as soon as he answered his cell….told him I couldn’t take her bullshit!!! I was hurting and needed to feel safe so that’s always where I run…Dad. I talked to him all the way back to my Aunt’s place. He told me to deal the best way I could…everyone deals differently no right or wrong way. I told him I was angry at her for being so self absorbed…he told me I was angry at her for so many other things they were running into each other…Well isn’t he smart. Yep. He told me that she was dealing and perhaps it was all an act but so what she was dealing in her own way. It was, after all, her mother. He said I was angry because she wasn’t giving ME the opportunity to lean on her, well damn ain’t he still smart?
The hubster comes out of the house and sits with me in the truck. After I get off the phone with my Dad, after we pray, the Hubster tells me that no one in the house is trying to comfort my Mom except my oldest who is 14. All the grown-ups have retreated…with good reason.
On the advice of my Hubby I go to her because she is the only mother I will ever have and she’s hurting…see I do have a heart…
I tell her we will make it, we are from a strong family and we will do whatever we have to do to make my Granny proud. She looks me in the eyes and tells me…I will not live without her I won’t…I walk away…I’ve had my drama soup and I’m full.
She goes outside and my middle child brings me a note for her…it say
“Nammy Im sory yur mama sick I hop she fels bettr soon”…it’s beautiful he’s typed it and printed it out and signed his name in his 6yr old printing. Have I mentioned my children are FUCKING GREAT!!!!???? I show it to my family and give it to her, I told her if this isn’t worth living for then I don’t know what is. I’m through with her at this point. I want to understand but I can’t imagine leaving my kids for ANYTHING on this earth, or causing them more pain because I want all eyes on me…ANGRY? HELL TO THE YEAH…Loving her any less….HELL TO THE NAW!!!

My Granny

I'm trying not to think too hard about all that is going on in my life right now. It's the holidays and my granny is back in the hospital. It's very hard to see her struggling for life when I know this is not what she wanted her life to be in the end. We are all gathered around her trying to lean on each other, but I want her to have some peace, no matter what that means for all of us. She deserves her dignity. We should not want any less for her than she wanted for herself. She's worked hard all of her life she deserves her dignity at the VERY least.

Sins of the Father

My father in law is a fuck up! I've known this for 10yrs already but sometimes it really hits home. My hubster has a sister who is almost 2. His father is in his 50's and moves from job to job...always employed but never in one place long enough to grow roots. This little girl's mother is a heap younger than my father in law, but I'm quite sure she old enough to know where babies come from...shit she's legal. My father in law has been a part time Dad for his other 3 children, all boys... well men. The hubster is telling me that his Dad doesn't really give 2 shits about the baby situation now. Things didn't work out with her mom. It made me so mad. I couldn't speak!!! This child is only 2 and is a future member of the pole dancer's club already. I mean her mother can't be too smart if she hooked up with a 50+yr old man who can't hold a job for more than a year. This poor child is destined to be dancing for dollar bills in about 14 15 yrs. I can't stand my father in law prefer my hubster step dad, now that's a real man, but I don't say a word because I know how much my hubster loves that sorry fucker. My Dad is far from perfect 5 children ages 32yrs-1yr... 5 different mothers, but no matter what he has ALWAYS taken responsibility for us all! Was he perfect? Hell to the NAW!!! But I have 3 sister and not one of us is dancing for dollars bills outside of our own bedrooms...
Someone really needs to cut that fuckers dick off....
Thank GOD my mother in law is a hell of a woman, raised my hubby right. He only got his father's good looks and his need to hustle for that paper...THANK GOD!!!

Me and my fat ass

I'm in a good mood today. Rolled out of bed earlier than I would've liked but hey it's only sleep right? I call my moms because it's what I do on Sundays. We're not as close as we used to be but I'm learning not to be ashamed of who she is because she has helped to mold me into who I am...and I ain't half bad! I needed to run some errands so I take a quick shower and contemplated taking the braids out of my hair because I truly miss my naps, decided against that because I want to get it rebraided and I don't have time right now. SO I throw on a pair of jeans a shirt and flip flops, which is my weekend uniform, I've got to update my look but not now...I'm off to the store to get art supplies for J's project, food for the fam, seat cushions for my dinning room chairs , and a new tag for the newest member of our family Iris the terrier mutt whom I have fallen in love with even if she does shit like a great dane. As I'm walking from store to store I catch my profile in the window and I think to myself "DAMN!!!! I gotta fat ass!!!" Now this revelation would send the average white chick screaming and crying but I'm smiling like I'm the shit because I love my fat ass. I can be indentified from the back because it's so me! Now my stomach I'm not so very fond of but my ass, it's a winner. Even when I gain weight my ass is still an ASSet. Where I'm from a fat ass can get your car note paid. Maybe even the mortgage if you happen to stumble across the right ass lover. No other group of people have ass like the sistas. Some come close but no one on the planet has ass like us. FUCK J. Lo her ass is below average in my neighborhood. I mean maybe to the average white person her ass is all of that, but in the hood her ass ain't HALF of that! Not hatin' just telling the truth. I'm not an ass clapper, you know like those chicks in the videos but I can shake that laffy taffy when the mood hits me. So I'm never alone it's always me and my fat ass...."oh I like it like that!"

Kabria @12

I wasn't going to write about this but I felt if I didn't get it out of my system I would start to ache.
I know I will never forgive myself and maybe I will never truly forgive him either.
I can remember the day I found out about her, when that stick turned blue I can't say I was surprise, more scared that her daddy wouldn't want us. I'm so ashamed of that now. I wasn't some 16yr old girl. I was a grown ass woman. I had one baby's daddy already, but this was different. I loved him, I lived for him. I told him I would take care of it, because I knew his dreams and another baby was in our future not our present. When they took her from me a part of me died.
I would see little girls and I would cry for what could've been. When I think of her now I try to imagine what she would look like. Black/Italian/Irish. I imagine her small, with her daddy's italian nose and his nappy hair. I imagine her with my sense of humor and her daddy's artistic ability. I ask myself what I took from this world. Would she have been sassy like her little Irish grandma?
She would be 12 yrs old this month and every November she is on my mind more than usual. It's her daddy's birthday month, but I try not to think about all the years we both have continued to celebrate our own births while she never got to celebrate one. I don't celebrate my birthdays anymore.
Maybe if I had loved myself more she would not have been a victim of timing. Perhaps now she would be painting writing living laughing. LIVING
She'd be turning from daddy's little girl into a young woman, what did I take from the world?
I carry her with me everyday in my soul. Her life is forever meshed with mine.
****Kabria**** I love you from the time before your first heart beat until the time when it beat no more to this day I love you baby girl.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am so happy this morning. Just have a general feeling of calm and contentment. I am so unsure of what life is going to bring me and mine. I want to go to nursing school but I have make sure the fam is taken care of. No chasing dreams willy nilly. So it might be a business BA and MBA for mama. I don't have a passion for anything but talking and writing, but I don't want my love for those things shattered and sullied by the paper chase. A part of me is afraid no one would pay me a decent living to do this. SO I will do the responsible thing and get a degree which will allow me to take care of the fam and then I will take care of me. That's what mama's do. Gladly.

Crying

Coming thru the gate this morning I'm listening to my new Babyface CD. I love his music, it's baby making music or at least practicing music. There is something about a man that can express himself freely in words it moves me. So I'm listening to the new Grown and Sexy CD and I out of nowhere I start crying. It was so unexpected and it caught me completely by surprise. The song was so beautiful, I felt the tears and they fell before I could stop them. I wasn't sad I was just so moved by the message of the song I couldn't help myself. Babyface is a pimp!

Advice...go fuck yourself

Yep that title pretty much sums it up for me! I don't mind people reading my words, that's what the BLOG is for but for the love of God keep your God damn advice...I don't need it I don't want it. I'm broken in certain places but it suits me. So here's some advice for those leaving advice...Get a huge DICK and go fuck yourself!!!


READ THE TITLE PEOPLE...IT AIN'T ABOUT FIXIN' IT'S ABOUT BITCHIN'

"The Girls"

I was feeling frisky this morning so I put on my sports bra because I needed to secure "the girls"

Well you have to know "the girls" don't like me very much right now. I swear I went from a D cup to a C cup in a matter of moments. It's a champion sports bra so I don't end up with one big boob I actually have 2 boobs like a normal person. I like the look of my profile because I don't look as if I'm going to fall over.

I'm going to get "the girls" reduced as soon as I can get my hands on the 10k it's going to take for Dr. Stephens to work his surgical magic.

Now I know we live in a boob obsessed world but that is because men run it. I mean if each one of your testicles weighed 4lbs each and you had to wear a garment to hold them UP everyday the world would be a VERY different place.

Would we have testicle models, low cut pants to show off what God(or a surgeon...cause you know testicle enhancement would be BIG business!) had "blessed" you with? I mean if women thought along the same lines as men, we would judge men by the size of their testicles not the size of their wallets. So when I am able "the girls" who have been with me for the past 20yrs...will be a tad bit smaller and I will be much happier....