Kabria @12

I wasn't going to write about this but I felt if I didn't get it out of my system I would start to ache.
I know I will never forgive myself and maybe I will never truly forgive him either.
I can remember the day I found out about her, when that stick turned blue I can't say I was surprise, more scared that her daddy wouldn't want us. I'm so ashamed of that now. I wasn't some 16yr old girl. I was a grown ass woman. I had one baby's daddy already, but this was different. I loved him, I lived for him. I told him I would take care of it, because I knew his dreams and another baby was in our future not our present. When they took her from me a part of me died.
I would see little girls and I would cry for what could've been. When I think of her now I try to imagine what she would look like. Black/Italian/Irish. I imagine her small, with her daddy's italian nose and his nappy hair. I imagine her with my sense of humor and her daddy's artistic ability. I ask myself what I took from this world. Would she have been sassy like her little Irish grandma?
She would be 12 yrs old this month and every November she is on my mind more than usual. It's her daddy's birthday month, but I try not to think about all the years we both have continued to celebrate our own births while she never got to celebrate one. I don't celebrate my birthdays anymore.
Maybe if I had loved myself more she would not have been a victim of timing. Perhaps now she would be painting writing living laughing. LIVING
She'd be turning from daddy's little girl into a young woman, what did I take from the world?
I carry her with me everyday in my soul. Her life is forever meshed with mine.
****Kabria**** I love you from the time before your first heart beat until the time when it beat no more to this day I love you baby girl.