Commitment

commitment

That was the word for yesterday. The counseling session wasn't a hit for either of us, but I believe we have found a counselor that will suit us.

She asked us to commit to repairing all that is broken. We both agreed. That is step in the right direction.

Sitting in that office, I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. For the first time in all of this I saw the pain that I have caused him. The fear and uncertainty he feels about my heart and my love for him. It was a crack in him concrete wall. The one I have only been allowed to penetrate a handful of time in 13yrs. His pain is not my pain, but it's there and it's real. We are wounded, broken, and battered, but we are still together, for each other. Not for the kids, not for the money, not for the new shiny material things, but for the love of each other.

I truly hope we can heal and love wide open and free from fear.

Still taking my meds, trying not to think about the future and being medicated. Right now I need them and I can only take this process a few steps at a time. Right now.

In me news

I had a dentist appt today...no cavities...yay me! BUT my teeth are on the move again so now I have to wear this stupid ass retainer for 24hrs a day for the next 7 days. I HATE THIS THING, but straight teeth are my blessing because they are naturally that way, but as I've gotten older...thanx mother time...they have started to shift...hence the retainer.

Tomorrow I see a new therapist, couples counseling to see if we are going to stay together...how scary is that? To love someone, but dislike them at the same time. I do love him, there is a part of me that is all soft and warm for him (not in a sexual way), but then there's my own rage right below the surface...so tomorrow another journey begins...

I'm back on my meds, it amazes me how while he was gone I was able to maintain and do without them, but I felt that darkness coming for me and I grabbed that prescription bottle with both hands... I was shaking as I swallowed the first one, that was 3 days ago. 20milligrams of happy goodness.

I want to grab him and slap him and hug him all at the same time. We don't talk, we do this dance of distance and silence, thank Goddess the little ones are gone for the summer.

This whole thing makes me so sad, we were so great together. Us against the world now it's seems to be us against each other.

I miss the flutter I used to get when he would step into a room. I felt like my heart would skip a beat and I would feel the smile on my face before I even knew it was there. It makes my heart heavy to know I have lost that, that perhaps I have lost us, lost him.

My bff KC says she really truly believes we are meant for each other, that we just fit, I was surprised she said that she is not his biggest fan by far. She says she can see the love in his eyes when we are together. I'm glad someone sees it.

I know no matter what THIS time I will survive in one piece, stable mind, and stronger.


and still I rise...

Next?

I finally lost it.

I can't be that person. The truth of my hearts pain came out in a flood this morning. We haven't spoken since.

I screamed like my life depended on it, I needed to purge that anger before it ate me up, so I guess my life did depend on it.

It's broken and I'm not sure it can be fixed.

I don't know what's next for us, if there is an us.

I know right now I need me.

You

I'm hurting and I need you. I'm longing and I need you. I'm missing you and I need you. I'm angry and I need you. I love you and I need you. I'm alone and I miss you. I'm scared and I need you. I'm drifting and I need you. I'm crying and I need you.

I need you...

You and me... a room lit with candles...just love....you and me laying together...nothing else matters

fading...

The rage over took me. How do you get to the healing part of this journey if you can't get past the first step. Rage.


I need to hear your voice. I need that for my soul.

I started drinking just to get a little tilted. Each sip allows me to push the rage to the background. I'm a happy tilted person.

If you could hold me right now everything would fade away. In those moments you and me...us.

I need you. I need you. I need you.

Help me love me hold me.

unFUCK YOU!

He gets me so angry, or should I say I allow myself to get so angry. It's so hard when you see some one's potential and you can't get them to tap into it.

I know the fear he feels. I sit atop that mountain every time I crack a book. I am terrified that I won't get it, that it won't sink in. I am terrified I will be exposed and the world will see my lack of intellect.

I want him to do better, to be better. I see it in him, but my mirroring abilities are missing and I can't make him what I see. The world is his, if he would only step out on faith and take it!

FUCK YOU!!!

Why you got to be so fucking hard headed????

got yourself into this shit and now you all "what? what?" when I try to break it down for you!

You know what muthafucka, just go ahead and quit!

Pay back the money and call that shit done. Imma get mine, you NEED to get yours.

YOU MAKE ME SO SICK!!!!

Hard head makes for a soft behind....you just pretending right now...I see you!

Must be nice to able to quit 'cause it ain't easy!

Get out MY way 'cause I'm going thru you to get what I need!

Change gon come

I called my Auntie G first. She is a STRONG Obama supporter. We didn't talk long, because I knew I was distracting her from her passion.

I called my Daddy as soon as I hung up with Auntie G. I knew he would be watching. His excitement over this nomination makes me smile, because my Daddy is a well read, highly educated man. To see him all a flutter over this makes my heart feel good.

My Daddy is the person in my life that talked to me, really talked to me, about being black and female. He has been my cheerleader and adviser for most of my adult life.

When I got married just so I could join the military (single parents aren't allowed) Daddy said "do what you have to do to get what you need"

When 11yrs later I decided I had had enough of Uncle Sam, Daddy said "there is a whole world out here waiting on you come and get it!"

My Daddy's still waters run deep like the ocean.

As I talked to him on the phone, I truly thought he was going to cry, he did own up to the fact that he had cried "just a little". <3

He asked me if J was watching, I told him yes.

Daddy spoke his words of awe, he was so excited this had happened in HIS life time, he was so excited that he had lived to see it.
He spoke of the summers he had to swim in the local lake because blacks weren't allowed to swim in the blue waters of the towns only pool.
He spoke of how he finally got to go when he was ten.
At that moment I understood why he was so passionate about taking me to that pool every summer.
He was passing on his legacy.
He was passing on his hope that one day his grandchildren would have all the things he was denied. We didn't talk long, because I knew he needed to have his "Obama time".

When I got off the phone I turned to J. and told him, "This is a piece of your history and it will forever change the future. Remember this night, it's one the most important in a black persons life". He may not get it now, but some day he will. Obama may not win (I'm not a supporter or hater), but the fact that he is a black man in America running for our highest office changes everything.

One day my future granddaughter will call my son to talk about current events... I wonder who and what they will be talking about.

Whether you are for or against Obama he has changed OUR legacy.

2008?

I'm about to put down something some of you may find disturbing. I wasn't surprised when my oldest told me about this, we have dealt with this before. He is getting hard life lessons in this place. We talk about ignorance and the harm it causes to those who encounter it and those who wallow in it.

J is going to be a Senior in H.S., just by the skin of his teeth I might add (but that is a post for another day). He has less than 20 AA kids in his school, half of them we know from our military travels, but I would say 18 or so are military kids.

One of J's classmates has fallen hard for one of the twenty, surprising to me it wasn't a "becky" who had fallen in love but rather a "chad" who comes from old money.
This town reeks of it, and they are slowly losing their one iron grip on the neck of this town and it's got them in a panic. (it's not happening fast enough for me, but change of this sort is good...well great!)

J. tells me that this "chad's" parents have forbidden him to date this 1 of 20. They have said no contact and I guess they meant no contact. See "chad" would not be deterred from his brown skinned love. He spent all his free school time with her, talking to her, laughing with her, seeing the world through her eyes.

Well "laura" and "george" , "chad's" parent's weren't having it. They decided each of them would alternate days and stay with "chad" at school.
I caught my breath and just looked at J. , his response was "mom I saw them" and he didn't bat and eye. "chad's" parents followed him around the last week of school and the school allowed it. They have an open parental visiting policy, which suits every bigots needs.

J. and I discussed how "chad" felt and he said he was so embarrassed, that his racist parents were exposing themselves. So "chad and his 1 of 20, didn't speak to each other, however his 1 of 20 swapped phones with her best friend "becky" so they are still in contact just about everyday. The number comes up as "becky" and "chad's" parents are happy.

As for the 1 of 20's parents, J says they are military and could care less about the color of "chad's" skin. They don't know about all the drama.

We discussed J's. first run in with this kind of situation. His freshman year he dated a latina, who looked white. Her father is a doctor and he was opposed to J. because he was black. It broke J's heart and he cried, but I told him on that very spot that even the highly educated could be steeped in ignorance.
I told him to remember how he felt at that moment, to take that feeling and work through and use it!
I told him that he should never let someone tell him where his place should be, that his character is who he truly is no matter what others had to say.
I told the latina should could no longer call my house, because her parents had forbid her contact with J. She cried even harder.
Less than a year later when she was 16 she moved out of her parents house and went to live with friends, J. says she going to the "black" (we are 4% of this town's population) H.S. and has a black beau.

This town has been a blessing for my son. We had been wrapped in the cushioned military community (yes it's there but the level is minute outside the workplace) for so long, our reality of society was a little rose colored. He now knows how ugly the world can be, he understands ignorance has a real face.
He understands that other's hatred of him is not his limit, nor his mountain to climb. He now knows how his own great grandparents, great aunts and 2nd cousins will never be a part of our lives because to them we are just a bunch of niggers. I hope that when he looks at his dad, he sees the strength that lies with n him. A white man giving up his extended family to make a biracial one of his own.

Love doesn't conquer all. It does make it easier for us to turn our backs on others hate.

It really is 2008 ya'll. Even if some don't want it to be.

Upgrade who? Bitch sit down!

So I'm loading my iPod with different songs, trying to find songs with an upbeat bass driven tempo. I loaded up Upgrade U by Beyonce'. Yes, I'm a little late but hey I'm not a big fan of hers so I don't really know her music all that well.

I'm rolling down the road in my big truck and actually listening to the lyrics. She's the light that keeps the streets on...okay I like that play on words cute&catchy and I'm sure she paid a bundle to the person that ghost wrote that for her...
I was a little ticked when she said she can do what Martin did for the people or some shit like that...umm boo boo you ain't even got a GED...keep it moving stupid. Yes the child is paid but you need brains to keep all your cash...YOUR cash.

I'm going to pull this all together I promise. Wait for it.....Waaaaiiit fooor iiiit.......

Her and the camel are going back and forth on how they are going to upgrade each others' lives. She's going to be his ride or die chick making his money grow and he's going to buy her some nice stuff...this got me to thinking...











um oh hell naw!



See this is where we as black women mess up our own shit.

This fool is talking about buying diamonds and spending his loot on tricks and treats that cost a mint. Iff'n you going to be taking loot from a man who isn't your HUSBAND let that fool set you up with an IRA, some property, a college fund for yourself(and ya kids if you got 'em) and some CD's and stocks and the rest. I mean really tricks and treats are good, but a intelligent sista is trying to retire for reals.

Our daughters are so caught up in being the video hoe they can't see that they can be the head of a studio, shit the owner of the studio...Upgrade!

Beyonce' ain't no fucking role model. Talent doesn't always bring prosperity and success. With nothing to hold you down in the interim you just become supahead


Don't be supahead...be supahead's OB/GYN ...ya'll know she needs one on the regular

Don't be Jay Z's video hoe, be Jay Z's accountant, cause we all know camels ain't the best with the dollars!

We need to upgrade the dreams for ourselves and our girls.

Get your own shine...now that's an Upgrade!

Over heard from the couch while doing homework...

Me: "Jah feed the dog"

he starts outside and realizes he's missing shoes which is a big no no in our house
he goes to the front door and shuffles into a pair of shoes, proceed to grab the dogs' bowl and fills them

Syd: (5yrs old) "what are you doing in my shoes!"

Jah: (9yrs old) "they're shoes"

Syd: "those don't even look cute on YOU!"

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