Twice in a day....

Those shoes look like you mean serious business

I knew that voice. Tren. He tells me he thought I had dropped off the face of the planet...no library no nothing. I thank him for no longer stalking me...we both laugh. He says he likes my suit says I look very put together. I thank him and keep moving. I tell him I have to get to my appointment. He gives me a smile and a nod...I get on the elevator I'm still smiling even though my "come fuck me" stilettos are killing my feet.



I need milk cereal chamomile tea...I'm in Mama mode

What happened to your other shoes?

Twice in one day. Tren.

I see your back to stalking me...I'm laughing cause today is full of overload. He tells me old habits die hard. He says me he likes my hair but it looks different. He asks me if I'm loc'd. I tell him on that journey...he just smiles and nods and tells me it looks good on me, but not half as good as those shoes...we laugh and I shoo him away he's blocking milk.

I swear that man is hotter than July!

Why I *heart* Lesbians

I am a strong supporter of people loving people. I truly believe it's the way life was intended to be lived. I love lesbians as a group for a simple reason...women are expected to DO what is expected of them by society and family. It takes a strong woman to step away from those shackles and live her life. How can you not love and admire that? It's really so much more than sex, it's about living. I know what it's like to love someone the world says you're not supposed to, I've felt the wrath of society for following my heart and "stepping outside of my place" I loved through the pain. I chose to live for me. To be true to me. It hasn't always been easy but love allows us to do things some see as impossible.


*this message was written my by inner lesbian*

Do you want me to teach you?

one of my favorite songs off his new album...so many men suffer from what he's talking about....

A lil sumthin' for the late night stalkers....it's luv ya'll all luv!

She don't have to worry....

My girlfriend told me I should try and connect with my moms. If you've ever read what I've written about my moms you know things get pretty tense with us. P. was right you only get one mama so you gotta do what you gotta do.

That song Everyday I'm Hustlin' was written for my mama. I took P's advice and decided to call her up and invite her down...afterall it's only a 4hr drive right? AND she makes 6hr trips to visit her HS friends about every 3-4 mths right?

And it goes a lil sumthin' like this....

Hey ma when are you going to come down to visit the kids(she claims she loves and misses them so much) and see the new house...a short pause and she tells me she's trying to catch up on her bills blah blah blah...Ma I know you got some vacation time take a couple of days and I will come get you, you don't need cash $$$...she hems and haws some more...says something about bills again....I move onto another topic of convo.

A little history...

Now I swore 8yrs ago that I would NEVA...neva eva neva eva invite my moms back to my house. She came to visit me when I lived on the east coast...I was so stressed out that after I dropped her off at the airport I had to pull over on the highway to throw up and cry. That is the last time she has EVA vistited my home. You know how mamas are...they know how to push your buttons 'cause they are the ones who gave them to you.
So I tell Big Sis my feelins were hurt(which when it comes to my moms is hard to do) Big Sis jumps in her shit and tells her she needs to get her priorities straight....I wish she hadn't said shit! So that is where I am with my moms. She don't have worry about me inviting her again.

My daddy is coming to visit in May...he's 10hrs away...


I know what love is...

For right now

Finally getting my shit together. Trying to start my work study program next week, gotta interview with the state in a couple of days. I have set my degree plan and I'm ready to roll with it. Don't think moving from Whiteville is such a bad idea. Thinking of going on a road trip this weekend Big Sis will be close so I want to head that way. I really want to go to Philly in May...don't think the $$$ will fall into place in time.

I went shopping for my lil sis today, baby is due 7 Aug. That's the same day Syd was due but she took her time and came on the 17th instead(Big Sis's B-day as well!) So Big Sis being the person she is decided WE should throw her a baby shower...Humpf! So I know this may sound really hypocritical but I'm sooo disappointed in her. She saw me and my Big Sis struggle as single young moms and she just walks all thru it. I guess the same can be said of me...hmmmm. My lil sis and I don't share blood she is the daughter of the my mother's EX husband. They were together for YEARS AND YEARS so little sis is fam no matter what right? Well I have written my mom's EX off. That's the kind of chick I am. If you fucking up I'll treat your ass like a simple nigga on the street and keep steppin'...but my moms and Big Sis say she's fam....she's fam. She came from nothing, her mom is a ghetto ass hoodrat and lil sis ain't trying to do better. It's like she don't even know how to try. I ain't got nothin' against ghetto ass folks as long as you're trying to do better. So because I truly want to keep peace between my and my Big Sis I will do what is required of me. Big Sis is coming from VA so I'd look pretty shitty not going as I'm 4hrs down the highway.
My moms is taking lil sis to her appts because like I said her bio mama is a ghetto ass hoodrat.(GAH) So the cycle continues, she young black broke and about to bring a baby girl into this world. That hurts me on a level I can't even explain.

Yeah I said it!

If your ass comes to this country and you are not here legally don't cry the blues when they try to send your ass back to your home country. If you are here working illegally and aren't paying into our half ass system don't expect the half ass system to give you anything.(but we know they give assistance to undocumented families, what the fuck is that about?) If you're here illegally and you have a child that child should not be an legal citizen.

I was born here I will probably die here. I don't think my tax dollars should support those who are breaking the law. Big business is getting over big time. The government should be fining flames out those motherfucker's asses.

I don't think it is fair that my tax dollars go to teach illegals and their children English. We do this on a large scale for Spanish speaking illegals, why not do it for all illegals? I don't think my tax dollars should go to educate, subsidise, or make more comfortable those who are CLEARLY breaking the law. If you are an illegal than your children, by your illegal actions, should be considered illegals as well no matter where they are born.

I understand the need to do better for your family, I ain't mad at the hustle, but that's what it is a hustle. So when the hustlers get caught take your lumps. I don't want you on TV crying and shit how you're afraid that you're family will be split up because you broke the law(of course you're not bitchin' and moanin' in English). If you don't want your family broken up then by all means you all should head on back to your home country.

The US doesn't have a national language but perhaps we should.


Why the fuck do people celebrate cinco de mayo? Holding parades, flying the mexican flag? Umm this ain't Mexico people!

If you want to keep your culture that's cool do your thang. If you're here illegally you get no love.

I ain't just talkin' about people from Spanish speaking countries I speaking on ALL illegal aliens. If you can't get here legally then perhaps it ain't for you.

Is it?

Still Black

Black women don't suffer from mental illness. Black people don't go to therapy.

Those two sentences have help kill thousands of sistas. We internalize all that is going on in our worlds. We destroy ourselves from the inside. Stress, overeating, hypertension... the list is long.

I remember the first time I really knew something was wrong with me. I sat on the edge of my bed in a country that was not my own. The pain was almost unbearable. I rocked and cried unable to understand why I didn't want to get out of bed. Why I hated the thought of tomorrow. I didn't want to kill myself, but the thought of death was seen as a release for me. I didn't reach out for help. I am a strong black woman, not some frail white chick needing assistance. I was told my hubster to get help. I was trying to swallow all my pain but it wouldn't go down gently.

I realized I was not indestructable. The color of my skin and my culture didn't not stop me from feeling the pain of my dark days and sleepless nights.

therapy

I couldn't save myself I did need help and today I can see ain't no shame in that.

I'm still black. I'm still black.

Pocket Full of Hurt

It hit me today.

I had been carrying it around with me everyday. Every slight, every hurful word.

I took them in little pieces and put them in my soul's pocket.
Pushing each on top of the other.

I laid them one on top of the other until there wasn't room for one more hurt.
With each passing day those small pieces began to feel like heavy ones.
And today my pockets are full. No room left to carry not even one more.

I sobbed as those tiny pieces left me. Carrying with them my desire for him. I did not want his friendship. I want to retreat to the hour before I met him, so I could be free.

No more pieces no more pockets full of my flaws seen through his eyes.

No more pockets full of hurt.

What I told my therapist!

Her voice is the truth

Amy Winehouse

This journey

So I'm starting this new journey tomorrow. It's so exciting to know I can do this on my own. It's a personal testament to the person I want to become. INDEPENDENT.

I don't want to think I will be the same once my journey is underway. I will share it because it is important to me. It may seem trivial to others but fuck them, it's about me.

I can't stop smiling now...smiling is good.



*oh yeah i see your ass*

So True

I found this and thought it was so true



As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your bestfriend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

The loop in my head

I wish I could go back
To the day before we met
And skip my regret

I wish I wasn't in love with you
So you couldn't hurt me

it just ain't fair the way you treat me
No you don't
deserve me

Wasting my time thinking bout you when you ain't never gon change

I wish I wasn't in love with you so I
wouldn't feel this way


When you touch me my heart melts

And everything you did wrong I forgive

So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you

Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you that's why I'm so mad

Now I'm drowning in
disappointment
And it's hard for me to even think of you

Said you care about me
But from what I see

I ain't feeling that
So I disagree

Gave you all my love
And understanding

And you're treating me like your enemy

This the loop that plays in my head. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Time I guess, just time.

Late night

I think it's going to be a late night for me. I wasn't really productive today but I did have a nice nap, so now I'm up!

There are a lot thing I could say but don't know where I'm suppose to start.

This is spring break week so the kiddos are going to be under foot all week

Is it wrong for me to want to steal my neighbors newspaper the one from last sunday is still in their yard? I really want the coupons! I shouldn't steal, but they are really tempting me. Shame on them. I know I would be the prime suspect 'cause you know black folks LUV to steal shit!

I'm so very tired of this town. If it weren't for my friends I don't think I would survive it.

Had a therapist intervention this week. Don't think that worked out too well. Wasn't my idea so I wasn't overly concerned about the outcome. Sometimes you just say what you have to say and leave it at that.
We all have to deal with shit, it's life, life does go on so you can't just shut down and expect everything to be okay. You learn to deal like a grown up. Sometimes I really hate having to deal with shit.

Right now I need some Katt Williams...off to youtube! I hate a man with a perm but that little fucker is funny....

Going to write tomorrow hopefully...working on a piece in my mind right now. Not too happy with it so it's going to take a minute to put it here.

I'll be back.....

Tee Hee

This has to be the funniest thing I've seen in a long while. It caps my night off just right. Feeling bitchy and this fits.

ugh.................

I've been feeling dizzy all damn day. Don't know what the hell is going on but it's back to the Dr. for me I guess. I'm so tired of Drs. Boooooooo. Man I wish weed was legal!

Funny shit...it's Friday!

MyHotComments / HotFreeLayouts

How could you

How could you just leave me out there on my own? How could you hurt me like that? I'm ashamed to admit; I needed you. Everything seemed, in those moments, to be falling apart and when I needed you...well we know how that ends. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I put it away and moved through it. Didn't make me stronger just made me bitter. So as you sit behind that screen and read my words know this...it hurt. There it is.

For future reference

Friend: noun

one attached to another by affection or esteem



Do with it what you will

I wish....

This is a repost of sorts(June 13th 2006) but it's the truth Heather knows me....it's in words.






if it fits own it....

Gotta Love MySpace

So I have friends on MySpace and I love it. I get to see pics of folks and some folks are crazy as hell.... you know who you are. Still working on my Photobucket page.

I often wonder if it's over. Not sure how I feel about everything. People can be so fucking fickle. I'm one of them so I should know. I'm pushing through everyday no matter what so at this point it ain't a thang. Maybe it is a thang.

I feel like I don't want to be here because I know you're here. Not sure where I want you to go.

Loving

I married him because I loved him. He married me because he didn't want to be alone. It is what it is. Does it matter where you start as long as you end up where you want to finish? I would say so. It does matter where you start because that start puts you on the a path. It does matter.

I had loved before. Love wasn't new to me. He had been alone before that wasn't a new state for him either.

So now here we are on what seems like the edge of something, what I'm not sure and I'm not sure I truly want to know.