No, I can not marry you...

In passing conversation with a friend we joked about alternate spouses. He claims he is gonna kick his wifey to the curb! After 23+ yrs of marriage, NEGRO PLEASE! I laughed at him because we all make silly "Imma jump bad" comments about our spouses. Then he threw out, the fact that I would be the new wifey. I laughed at him and choked on the water I was drinking. He looked stunned that I turned down his mock proposal. He looked hurt at the fact I didn't find him to be a suitable mate. I told him if and when(fat chance) I left the hubster there is only one person on the planet I would consider marrying (it ain't him!). He laughed and said forget that chump (how 70's is that?) I told him there were other reasons as well. I told him I couldn't marry him because he is ALWAYS LATE!

I hate that shit with a passion. I find it niggerish and tired! If you suppose to be some where at 8am don't stroll into that mofo at 811am like it's show time! YOU LATE BITCH!!!
I've stopped dating people because they were chronically late.
This to me is an UNACCEPTABLE character flaw. Iff'n you don't value your time, that says a lot about your value. You gets no love when it comes to lateness. MOVE YOUR ASS and get there on time. If you're not early then you late!

So he claims he is going to be on time from now on...I still ain't marrying him! LOL!!!

Riddle me this...

For most of my life I've always looked at sex from a female POV. Though in the past I have been accused by my "heart brothers" of having strong male tendencies when it comes to sex. Tell one dude his sex game is weak and he needs to take his dick home and they never let you live it down. I have very close male friends who I talk sex with, no not talking dirty type talking just open discussions.

I've been told that men, some not all, use sex as a way of expressing their love for a woman. Now I yelled bullshit, because as a woman I have always seen things through my own life experiences.

Women, for the most part, are known to express love in a sexual way. Often times too soon and to the detriment of the relationship. We give our bodies to those we love. I have never known a man to do this, or perhaps they just aren't going to talk about it openly.

So do men use their bodies as a way of expressing their love for a woman?

I think it's game on my "heart brothers" part, but they some hoes anyways so I ain't gonna trust what they say without further inquiry.

Please comment freely, because I really want to know the REAL truth.

The magic numbers

I'm driving to the dealership to drop off the truck for a truck check up. I'm turning onto the main road from my house and ten numbers jump into my head. I don't know if I had actually forgotten those numbers or if I had just pushed them out of my mind. I wanted to use those numbers, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.


I just thought of what could've been said.



I miss you

Roadtrip..c'mon gurl!

Me and my girl Yo talked about a road trip, she ain't neva at home *waving...hey girl*

We were talking at lunch this past week end. She offering to be my road homie. That's love right there. We could be on some Thelma and Louise type shit, but without the dying at the end. I got a place in mind.

So Yo you wanna roll to the casino with your gurl? I need a break from the rednecks. I need a soul break. Lets do this. Leave on Friday come back on Sunday. We could do it huh? Just two sistas on a mini vacay! Imma call you and we gonna work it out.

You think big daddy (is it payday?) will keep the kids AND the dogs....ROTFLMBAO!!!

ROADTRIP!!!

I'm ready! you ready? Lets get ready!

Research

So I'm in the school library, trying to research human cloning. That's what I'm SUPPOSE to be doing. I'm really not into the subject matter and I don't want to surf the 'net. I've been here for almost an hour and a half.

I am a words person, my father told me when I was about 7 never use a word that you can't spell. So the dictionary is my best friend, well now it's spellcheck.

So back to why I am here. Human cloning, I really haven't gone in depth into the subject but my paper is based on opposition to cloning.

I decided to visit one of my favorite sites http://www.m-w.com/. Online dictionary.

I looked up the following word for the hell of it.

Masturbation
noun
Date: 1603
: erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies


Sadly they didn't offer pictures....

The date says 1603, I truly believe in my heart of hearts it was happening way before then, guess they just didn't have a name for it.

Now you may ask yourself what does this have to do with human cloning...ummm nothin'!

That's the whole point. I don't want to research human cloning. My professor drove me to this!

Could you repeat that?

I have a thing for men with accents. There something about a twist on dialects that gets me all a flutter.

When I first started working with Ains. I asked him what island he was from. He laughed at me because his accent is faint. I live around hillbillies so anything that doesn't sound ignorant and inbred catches my attention. He's from JA. Sometimes when we are sitting back to back in the office. I close my eyes and listen to him talk. It moves me.

I once dated a guy from New England, well we were suppose to get married but that's for another entry. The night I met him I just kept him talking because all the "R's" were missing and that was sexy to me. Didn't hurt that the Italian and Irish accents in his family gave me giggle fits. G( sexy chocolate!), he's from Trinidad...the way he says my name makes me want to change my name to something else so he can ask me why I changed my name from X, just so I can hear him say X.
I imagine what my name would sound like when he is out of breath first thing in the morning, yep EARLY in the morning.

My hubby is a Carolina boy, he has a southern accent, not like the backwoods shit you hear around here. His words roll along in a smooth hip hop rhythm. First he caught me with his walk, then when he spoke. My pussy screamed "oh hell yeah!!!!".

Ms. Layla been screaming ever since!

Morning thoughts...

So I was sick again this morning. Feeling queezy and off balance. I haven't a clue where my period is.

As I got to thinking my mind turned to babies, could it be? Well hubby been gone for almost 5mths so it ain't his I know that for sure.

As I roll through my mind of possible baby daddies, I just have to shake my head.

The only person on that list is me! (been trying to get this fine ass chocolate brotha from Trinidad to hook my ass up, no luck...you can stop smiling now..booo @ you)

So if I am pregnant it's mine and umm.... mine.

I'm the only one who's been giving IT to me.

I have to admit I been slacking on my selfluv game.


Just my morning thoughts...I'm weird, I'm totally cool with that!

Is it?

Is it wrong I want to fuck you?

Are you sitting at your desk, tension in your shoulders? Another day of shit that doesn't matter?

Yes I'm talking to you, because I can't TALK to you.

Is it wrong your face is the one I see when I'm touching me?

Still behind your desk? Another moment of other peoples' problems?

Is it wrong I want you to think of me, get hard and leak just a little?

Hiding behind your desk?

Thinking at this very moment you could be sliding into me. Skin to skin

Is it wrong?

I. don't. care.

Life???? Bitch what?

Around this time every year the rednecks in my town start displaying "LIFE" flags. They have them flapping from the windows on their cars. Some folks even have two!

Now you have to understand I love life, it's a beautiful thing. I am so very blessed with the one I have.

The people in this godforsaken backwoods town believe in sticking with your own. Sticking with what is comfortable and sticking with the old ways of doing things. They live "us"(white) and "them"(everything but) each and everyday. They pass that shit onto their children and breed ignorance because it is what they know and what they need to get along in this small unimportant world they have made for themselves.

So when I see all of these LIFE flags it makes me shake my head.

How are you so concerned with LIFE but don't want "those" people living next door to you? LIFE? How are you so concerned about LIFE but you won't allow big business into your town because they want to pay a good wage which will allow "those" people to move into your neighborhood allowing their children to sit beside Emma Claire ( no shit that is a girl's real name) in school.

You are so concerned with what is going on inside another person's uterus, but not concerned with the person who HAS the uterus. Bitch please!

So their LIFE flags only confirm their hypocritical lives. LIFE is more than what a uterus holds. LIFE is what is lived by those people they want to push away and hold down. LIFE is more than a flag you fly once a fucking year.

They got LIFE all fucked up!

Now that's a damn shame....

My life is going full speed. Kids, School, Work, everyday living. I'm tired. Real tired.

You wanna know how tired? Well I'm going to tell anyway.






















Last night I was too tired to masturbate.

I blame Terry...I should be studying right now!!!!

1.) What sound do you hate most?
My childrens' crying

2.) What sound do you like best?
My own orgasm

3.) When you go to a nightclub, what drink do you order?
First a shot of Tequila..then an apple martini

4.) What do you like to put in your mouth the best?
A nice size swollen dick or maybe a nice set of balls.....

5.) What’s the worst thing you have ever done?
Took a life

6.) Where's the best place that you have visited, but wouldn’t want to live there?
New England in winter

7.) Where’s the strangest place you have ever made love?
A pre-school(we were grown! the school was closed) We'll we were fucking so I'm not sure that counts...

8.) Pajamas, underwear, or nude?
naked and hopefully not alone

9.) What’s you worst habit?
Unhealthy eating

10.) When things go really bad, what’s the first thing you say?
God!

11.) If you are a woman, what are the top three physical features that you are attarcted to in a man? Men, what are the top three physical features you are attracted to in a woman?
Smile(teeth), his swagger, and calves

12.) Besides sex, what is your favorite thing to do?
Tie between reading and writing.

13.) Would you ever marry for money?
Depends, on the amount of loot we are talkin' bout!

14.) If someone made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would you want to play you?
Jill Scott!

15.) Dr. Seuss or Dick and Jane?
Dr. Seuss, the worlds first white rapper! Think about it!

16.) Have you ever had sex with more than one person within a twenty-four hour period?
ummm welllllll,mmmmm I think my mama is calling me..............................................

17.) Where’s is the one place that you would be scared, if you were there after dark alone?
Any small town in Texas

18.) Do you hold hands in public?
Yes, I got kids. They keep tryin' to get away!

19.) What's the one device that you have that you wouldn't want to do without?
My Hyundai...

20.) Have you ever had a “blog crush”?
No but I want one. I will treat him or her right. I will write them good shit...I want to be in blogluv

Blogcrush

I frequent just a few blogs. I enjoy great writing and varying points of view. I've recently run across a few gentlemen who have blogcrushes. *waves and winks @ Don and Terry*

I'm a little sad. I want a blogcrush as well. So if anyone finds a blog you think I would crush on drop me a line so I can get in on the fun. I would prefer something a little naughty, perhaps with a few or perhaps with a lot of dirty words...

JA LUV!

Ains tells me that Jamaican men are aggressive by nature.

No shit!

Game recognize game.

Lastnight

I let go and let God. The sun shined bright just for me this morning.

Lastnight, I didn't cry alone and that was just one of God's many blessings.

PURGE

I have been hopeful and prayerful through all of this. I was able to find peace and take each day as a blessing.

And then today....he's angry and miserable. Some how I came to shoulder a lot of his hostility. It was venomous. Biting words I took in and tried to process.

Blocked the sun out of my day. I prayed and prayed hard, but my heart felt heavy and I didn't find the peace I had prayed for.

I was silent with the kids, because I didn't want to pass it on to them.

Shopping, dinner, playtime. I still hadn't found peace. I needed it in the worst way.

I had stopped talking about it. Took it for what it was. Things beyond my control.

I couldn't stay home I could feel the venom building up in me.

I drove aimlessly just fading in and out of thinking. Trying to purge the mixture of sadness,betrayal , disappointment, anger, and fear.

I ended up the last place I wanted to be. The Base.

I was just going to turn around in the BX parking lot, then go home.

It overwhelmed me. Showed itself through my uncontrollable tears.

I just sat there alone. Emotion after emotion. I couldn't even catch my breath.

I rested my head on the steering wheel. I couldn't stop.

I thought I had imagined it at first, then I heard the tapping. I couldn't even lift my head just turned towards the window.

Tren

He smiled at first and then he didn't.

I turned away from him, not caring.

He tapped my window again. I continued to sob. I continued to ignore.

Then he stopped tapping and just stood there. He waited a few minutes and tapped again.

I rolled down the window the cold air mixing with my tears burning my face.

Tren

He simply said let.me.in.

He sprinted around to the passenger side and opened the door.

We sat without saying a word, my sobs, my purging the only sound around us.

I wanted to stop so badly, but the heart and soul does what the heart and soul needs to do. Mine needed this release.

I felt my control sneaking up on me. I slowly caught me breath, head still on the steering wheel. My chest felt heavy. My heart and soul didn't feel any lighter.

Then he spoke it will be okay,
Then I spoke you don't know shit.

He told me I was right, but he said he didn't know what else to say to me. He asked me if someone had died. I told him just a little part of my soul.

We sat in silence as I stared at he clock on my dashboard. I told him life was kind of living me right now. He asked me what that meant. I told it meant life was kicking me in the ass. He was silent again. I asked him to get out of my truck so I could go home. He made a move to the door and then stopped. He turned to me and just stared at me as I wiped my face. His voice was really soft and he looked hurt. He told me that any man that would make me cry like this wasn't worthy of being my man. I asked him how he knew I was crying over a man. He told he had a mother and a sister. I didn't know what to say to him. He opened the door letting the cold air back in. I put my head back on the steering wheel. I wouldn't watch him walk away. He tapped on my window, I rolled it down. He reached in and touched my shoulder, he said you know I really like your smile and then he walked away.

If only...Pt. II

If only I had laid myself bare when you were man enough to reveal your heart.

If only I had allowed your tears to mingle with mine own.

If only we had been honest from the beginning and didn't hide behind our friendship.

If only I had been woman enough to be real and ask you not to marry her.

If only I had stepped out on faith and loved you for the world to see.

If only I had been honest and admitted your departure tortured my soul.

If only I didn't love him so much, I would have been able to love you better.

If only

You were in my dreams last night. I turned to find you behind me. Smiling so bright. I jumped onto you, squeezing you with everything I had. You laughed, caught off guard.

It was us a dozen years, four kids, and two marriage certificates ago.

A scene only played out in my imagination so many years ago.

It was us together laughing. Living the life of what could have been... if only...

We are in bed naked, me laying close to you. Meeting the sun together. I felt your smile before I opened my eyes.

Me waking up to you, you waking up to me.

The warmth of your chocolate skin reflected my own.

I slide closer to you. We are skin to skin. All I can do is smile.

If only.

I will...

When you get home I will hold you.

I will strip down to nothingness and touch you skin to skin.

Your warmth to my warmth.

I will hold you while you cry for what COULD have been, but wasn't.

I will wipe away your tears and kiss each stream.

I will hold you until you breath is calm and this nightmare is just a memory.

I will look into those green eyes, open my heart and pour out everything that dwells there for you.

I will lay in your arms and weep, for what COULD have been, but wasn't.

I will allow your heartbeat to soothe my weary soul.

We will give thanks to the Most High for all the blessings we have been given.

I will take your hands in mine and we will pray...

Father God we thank you for your daily love, we thank you for each and everyday we are given. Thank you for blessing and keeping us in our darkest hours. Thank you for the love that is us. We come to you with bowed heads and humble hearts. We thank you for bringing us back together as one. Thank you for showing us your love in times when we were not worthy. We ask for your continued guidance and blessings. In your name, Father we pray. Amen.


When we are done. I will sleep safe beside you.

I'm Trying....

With all that we have just been through getting the news that His blessings abound. I've prayed so hard, let go and let God.

I was raised southern baptist, I have spent most of my adult life trying to recover from those experiences.

I pray. I read my Bible.

I live in a town that so religious it's stifling at times. I look into the eyes of these small town small minded people and I know they are luke warm Christians, they ain't ~HOT~ for Jesus.

I found peace like I haven't known in a long time. I got our prayer warriors bringing their A game. A very good friend of mine turned me on to this song. It spoke so clearly to my spirit. I cried when I finally listened to the words. It is where I am in my life right now. Thank you Yatta. Thank you for being the you I love. You have given me something that will help me on my journey, for that I am grateful. You are special. I mean that with every part of me.



I'm trying....


Happy New Year Everyone <3