PURGE

I have been hopeful and prayerful through all of this. I was able to find peace and take each day as a blessing.

And then today....he's angry and miserable. Some how I came to shoulder a lot of his hostility. It was venomous. Biting words I took in and tried to process.

Blocked the sun out of my day. I prayed and prayed hard, but my heart felt heavy and I didn't find the peace I had prayed for.

I was silent with the kids, because I didn't want to pass it on to them.

Shopping, dinner, playtime. I still hadn't found peace. I needed it in the worst way.

I had stopped talking about it. Took it for what it was. Things beyond my control.

I couldn't stay home I could feel the venom building up in me.

I drove aimlessly just fading in and out of thinking. Trying to purge the mixture of sadness,betrayal , disappointment, anger, and fear.

I ended up the last place I wanted to be. The Base.

I was just going to turn around in the BX parking lot, then go home.

It overwhelmed me. Showed itself through my uncontrollable tears.

I just sat there alone. Emotion after emotion. I couldn't even catch my breath.

I rested my head on the steering wheel. I couldn't stop.

I thought I had imagined it at first, then I heard the tapping. I couldn't even lift my head just turned towards the window.

Tren

He smiled at first and then he didn't.

I turned away from him, not caring.

He tapped my window again. I continued to sob. I continued to ignore.

Then he stopped tapping and just stood there. He waited a few minutes and tapped again.

I rolled down the window the cold air mixing with my tears burning my face.

Tren

He simply said let.me.in.

He sprinted around to the passenger side and opened the door.

We sat without saying a word, my sobs, my purging the only sound around us.

I wanted to stop so badly, but the heart and soul does what the heart and soul needs to do. Mine needed this release.

I felt my control sneaking up on me. I slowly caught me breath, head still on the steering wheel. My chest felt heavy. My heart and soul didn't feel any lighter.

Then he spoke it will be okay,
Then I spoke you don't know shit.

He told me I was right, but he said he didn't know what else to say to me. He asked me if someone had died. I told him just a little part of my soul.

We sat in silence as I stared at he clock on my dashboard. I told him life was kind of living me right now. He asked me what that meant. I told it meant life was kicking me in the ass. He was silent again. I asked him to get out of my truck so I could go home. He made a move to the door and then stopped. He turned to me and just stared at me as I wiped my face. His voice was really soft and he looked hurt. He told me that any man that would make me cry like this wasn't worthy of being my man. I asked him how he knew I was crying over a man. He told he had a mother and a sister. I didn't know what to say to him. He opened the door letting the cold air back in. I put my head back on the steering wheel. I wouldn't watch him walk away. He tapped on my window, I rolled it down. He reached in and touched my shoulder, he said you know I really like your smile and then he walked away.