I see where you're coming from....

I received this comment and thought I would share more of my view on the unattractiveness of the vaginal area.


What do you want it to look like? Its a coochie it looks like a coochie what ever that means. I think that they beautiful. Look how precise every fold is and every dip...how it swells when your aroused. I dunno but it doesn't matter as long as the guys love it lol.

I want it to look like a beautiful flower. I can appreciate the detail and I thank Goddess for every fold and valley. Sometimes you just have to call the baby ugly does it mean you love it any less or take for granted the gifts that it gives, of course not. I love Ms. Layla and her surrounding neighborhood. Ugly is just that ugly, perhaps it's my genetics that are off? Mmmmm something to think on. Doesn't really matter to me if guys love it, it's mine and they are just visitors. :-)

Mama Pt.III

It's over and I feel like I can't breathe a sigh of relief. I tried to stay clear of my Mama most of the time. Hugged her when I saw her and then beat a path to the nearest safe corner(coward). When she broke down I couldn't go to her. I know her pain was real, but I wanted to stay strong for my children to make sure they were alright(copout). I'm dealing with my Mama issues. My cousin D got on me about being so standoffish with her. I told him I had to do what was best for me and not feed her frenzy. He has his own Mama issues with my Auntie so I asked him why he was so standoffish with HIS Mama and he shot daggers at me, but he shut the hell up.
The cousins all sat around for hours talking about our family, trying to understand where losing our Granny left us. She was the roots from which we all grew.
We talked about our mothers and I said we ALL needed to pray for forgiveness because the first step begins with forgiveness. I am not there yet.
On the long ride home I thought of my Mama adrift in the world without her Mama. I don't know what I want from her.
Do I want her to admit we had drug dealers in our home when I was growing up? Do I want her to admit that she used me and my sister to get the things she felt she needed out the world? Do I want her to admit that she destroyed parts of her daughters with her own insane selfishness to get back at our fathers? Do I want her to admit to the whole family that me and my sister paid the bills when she was more than capable? Do I want her to admit that she took from both of us the ability to trust? Do I want her to admit she gave to us the "pay me like you owe me mentality" that took YEARS to break out of? Do I want her to admit she never gave two shits about our schooling because her depression caused her to lay on the couch for days at a time? Do I want her to simply understand the pain I hold in my heart? Yes, but I know even if she were to admit all of these things I would still be flawed in my own special way. If she did admit all these things she wouldn't be MY Mama. I love her I miss her I want her to get better, perhaps then I can break the cycle.

Life moves on

We buried my Granny on a snowy hillside in a green(her favorite color) casket with silver handles. She buried under a huge shade tree and even in the midst of the cold weather and blowing snow I smiled knowing her vessel would spend eternity in that shady spot.
We were all together speaking on the love she had for all us. We laughed and cried at the Grannyisms we all came up with. In a time when black women couldn't vote she raised a family and purchased a home. In a time when she had to sit in the back of the bus, she was years ahead of her time.
I am sad for our loss, but happy for her eternal rest.
Love you Granny, I know you are watching over us with your fur coat and boots on...ALWAYS fierce.

So it would seem

I been away for longer than I wanted to be. It's been hard not being able to write because my life has been filled with so many emotions. The dreams are back but I'll talk about them at a later date. That's not my most urgent emotion.

Mama Pt.II

Big sis called me at 3AM crying... relieved

Granny had finally passed no more suffering. I allowed her to cry because she is my best friend and I wanted to provide her whatever comfort she needed.

Mama called me at 641AM hysterical, screaming. Hubster rubbed my back as I tried to cry silently as not to feed the frenzy. I let her grieve as she told me again she wouldn't live a day without her Mama. I told her I understood. Told her I knew the pain was unbearable, the thought of being on this earth with out the security of her Mama.
I told my Mama if she couldn't live another day without her Mama if she could please live just one day at a time for me and my sis. She is the only Mama I have flaws and all she is mine. Would I die without her, No but my life would less if she were not in it.

Rest

My Granny passed on last night. It wasn't a surprise to me and my family. I've been hopeful that Goddess would give her peace and allow her to rest. Her backbone and hard work runs quickly through my veins. I am not sad, not even for myself. I'm joyful, because I know she is blessed.

It must be genetics

As usual I have sex on the brain. I often think of the differences between men and women. I love Ms. Layla, I truly do, but sometimes you just have to call the baby ugly. Pussies are ugly. I've looked at mine over the years and it's never gotten any cuter. So I think there is something genetic in men that make them think pussies are attractive.
Then again maybe men know pussies are quite unattractive and they simply don't care because of the pleasure they bring...so I ponder on...is it genetic or simply greed?

First...

I'm on my favorite site...Nappturality. One of the poster talked about her first love and how you never really get over your first love you just move on.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 19. Which is really sad because I was already a mother by then, I didn't know what love was, but I was well aware of sex.

I met him in a club, hanging with my girl Joni. I was a wild child in EVERY sense of the word. Single and free for the first time since I was 14. I wasn't looking for love, but it dropped in my lap in the form of a 1/2 Irish 1/2 Italian Bostonian.

Was it love at first sight? No, but I knew when he spoke to me with that accent... He was the one. He was the first to take my heart and gently care for it. Never raised his hand or voice to me and was as patient as any woman could ask for. I once told him that no one ever stays with their first love, he seemed so hurt at that prospect.

What I never told him is that though life may take you away from your first love you never truly stop loving them.

0424

It woke me up this morning. 0424, 21 minutes before I should be up.
Him again.
He put on some weight and his hair was longer than before. It scared the shit out of me because I was a prisoner in this dream and why he was there, I don't know.
I had a sense of urgency trying to get to him. It was sexual which has thrown me for a loop, perhaps I need to get laid. He kept denying me and I wouldn't take no for an answer. I broke him down and he finally gave in, but then it was no longer sexual it was just an emotional scene with both of us crying.

Don't know what to make of this but I needed to write about it to get it out of my head. I so don't want him there.
I asked my best friend K how she deals with her demons and she said she just looks at her life and knows it better now than when those demons were real people, that's why I love her because she is so smart and straight to the point!

So what is going in his life that has caused him to come to me on a sexual and emotional level? Will we always be connected in someway because we shared and lost so much? Am I being punished for the things I did to him. Is he taunting me? Is he going to come back into my life? Or is he reaching out to me? There are somethings I will simply not know.

Wine and Porn

I wanted to write all day but the things I wanted to write about I couldn't concentrate on today. Too many things going on so I'm unwinding at home with a glass of white zinfandel, I like the taste of it and it's calming. I'm alone with the kids this week end which is fine with me. I think it was time for a spousal break.
PMS strikes again...it seems at this time each month I question a lot of things that have been answered time and time again. I become irritated and standoffish with everyone. I don't like anyone and it shows. So here I sit at my PC thinking of the masterbation session I will have later on tonight as I watch my fav porn DVD. Life is good and I'm smiling at my own selfishness. Blame it on the wine :-)
I'm going to start rambling about all kinds of crazy shit real soon, I better go find that DVD so I can get my self-love on and on and on and on.............