Mama Pt.III
It's over and I feel like I can't breathe a sigh of relief. I tried to stay clear of my Mama most of the time. Hugged her when I saw her and then beat a path to the nearest safe corner(coward). When she broke down I couldn't go to her. I know her pain was real, but I wanted to stay strong for my children to make sure they were alright(copout). I'm dealing with my Mama issues. My cousin D got on me about being so standoffish with her. I told him I had to do what was best for me and not feed her frenzy. He has his own Mama issues with my Auntie so I asked him why he was so standoffish with HIS Mama and he shot daggers at me, but he shut the hell up.
The cousins all sat around for hours talking about our family, trying to understand where losing our Granny left us. She was the roots from which we all grew.
We talked about our mothers and I said we ALL needed to pray for forgiveness because the first step begins with forgiveness. I am not there yet.
On the long ride home I thought of my Mama adrift in the world without her Mama. I don't know what I want from her.
Do I want her to admit we had drug dealers in our home when I was growing up? Do I want her to admit that she used me and my sister to get the things she felt she needed out the world? Do I want her to admit that she destroyed parts of her daughters with her own insane selfishness to get back at our fathers? Do I want her to admit to the whole family that me and my sister paid the bills when she was more than capable? Do I want her to admit that she took from both of us the ability to trust? Do I want her to admit she gave to us the "pay me like you owe me mentality" that took YEARS to break out of? Do I want her to admit she never gave two shits about our schooling because her depression caused her to lay on the couch for days at a time? Do I want her to simply understand the pain I hold in my heart? Yes, but I know even if she were to admit all of these things I would still be flawed in my own special way. If she did admit all these things she wouldn't be MY Mama. I love her I miss her I want her to get better, perhaps then I can break the cycle.
The cousins all sat around for hours talking about our family, trying to understand where losing our Granny left us. She was the roots from which we all grew.
We talked about our mothers and I said we ALL needed to pray for forgiveness because the first step begins with forgiveness. I am not there yet.
On the long ride home I thought of my Mama adrift in the world without her Mama. I don't know what I want from her.
Do I want her to admit we had drug dealers in our home when I was growing up? Do I want her to admit that she used me and my sister to get the things she felt she needed out the world? Do I want her to admit that she destroyed parts of her daughters with her own insane selfishness to get back at our fathers? Do I want her to admit to the whole family that me and my sister paid the bills when she was more than capable? Do I want her to admit that she took from both of us the ability to trust? Do I want her to admit she gave to us the "pay me like you owe me mentality" that took YEARS to break out of? Do I want her to admit she never gave two shits about our schooling because her depression caused her to lay on the couch for days at a time? Do I want her to simply understand the pain I hold in my heart? Yes, but I know even if she were to admit all of these things I would still be flawed in my own special way. If she did admit all these things she wouldn't be MY Mama. I love her I miss her I want her to get better, perhaps then I can break the cycle.
posted by Poetry @ 9:36 AM
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