Touch

When I touch myself it is about the longing that is unfulfilled. The neediness that can not be shown. When I touch myself it is about the loneliness I feel when my heart should be full. When I touch myself it about everything I am afraid to express or can not express because of the pain no one ever sees. When I touch myself it is about confusion. When I touch myself it is about finding myself little by little without him.

Negativity

I'm a negative person, I've realized this about myself for the longest time. The darkness is what drives me out of my mind even if I'm surrounded by light most of the time.

I always ask myself if I'm happy, at this point the answer would be no. But I sit in silence not wanting to address the reasons I'm not.

I don't want to be touched by him and just a day a go I longed for him, but I know as the day dawns I am not the person I need or want to be and I don't trust him. I have always taken great care to smile at the right time to let my mind go blank when asked what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking I deserve more he deserves more. I know what I want but if someone truly loves you don't they make their business to know, to attempt to see the sun in your smile.

The romance died a long time ago, and I'm the happy victim and say nothing, because what's the point really. I love him.

Looking for things at home that no longer exist and he's content or so he says, so I'm living.

He does not know the person that I am because that person will never let him in because although many things are in the past the pain is fresher on some days than on others. But no one wants to hear about the past mistakes mine or his so you say nothing and pray that you never have to fight that war again, because you should've surrendered the last time. Battle scars, fade but never really disappear.

He is content to hang out, to be away, not thinking for a moment of the loneliness that is left behind. Be very careful what you leave behind.

When is the last time he dated you, when is the last time he planned something just for you, when is the last time he loved you beyond the physical, when is the last time you weren't angry because he was away, being a second thought. When is the last time he just spent time real time close to you? And now you don't want him close because you are trying to little by little day by day to find your way without him.

So I cry alone when no one is looking because even when he looks at you he doesn't really see you and you longer care to show him.

Little by little day by day it dies, and you allow it because he just can't see it.

You begin to look for outlets.


Be very careful what you leave out and leave behind.

Last Night

I realized last night that I love him in a place deep in my soul. As I laid in his arm and listened to him breathe I knew that to be any other place would leave me lost. He is the other side of me. The side that at times I fail to see. When I see it I am struck at the love and longing I feel. Last night I felt our lifetime.

Reach

He didn't reach for me. I stopped reaching for him because he said things were always on my terms so I waited for his terms to keep the peace. So in his infinite wisdom he has neglected to see that when he reaches for me whatever I have to give, he recieves. But he has not reached for me. Worrying is not in the forefront of my mind, perhaps it really it should be so if he's not reaching for me then who?

PMDD anyone...

I sent out the flag for help with my monthly turmoil that makes me feel like I'm insane or going there shortly.

I found something that sounds strangely like me for two weeks out of every month. Now I'm on the edge of terror because I know the quacks that I have to go to will blow me off and I'll be stuck with all of this shit for the rest of my ovulating days.

U

I resent you, there I said it. I resent you have a job that you like and are good at. I resent the fact that your job is normal. I resent the fact that you have time for hobbies while I'm stuck in a hole for 12 muthafuckin' hours a day. I resent the fact that you can just go and hang out and I'm stuck trying to get to sleep. I resent the fact that you can't seem to bring your happy ass home a decent fuckin' time because your out having a grand ole time and I'm stuck still trying to get to sleep. I resent the fact that you could be doing any number of things I don't even want to imagine and I'm stuck here still trying to get some sleep. I resent you because you say stupid shit like

hey come on and hang out

when all I want to do is curl up and take my fat ass to sleep. I resent the fact that the way you unwind is to just simply be away from us. I resent the fact that you have time to unwind. I resent the fact that you work late when deep down I think you choose to. I resent the fact that I need to be sleeping but guess what I can't get to sleep. I resent you plain and simple. I resent the fact that this very night you are hanging out when you know that we won't see each for a week. I resent the fact that you couldn't give me a few fuckin' hours of your time. I resent the fact that you choose to give your hours elsewhere, just hanging out. I resent most of all the fact that you are too blind or just don't care enough to put it all together and have a light bulb moment! You should be VERY careful of what you choose to leave behind...very careful indeed!

The Worst Week Eva!

Can't even put into to a good sentence how shitty my week was. Uncle Sam is driving to push my ass over the edge and make me hurt all those stupid people I have to deal with on the daily. I'm tried of the politricks. I'm tired of cute and white being where it's at. Do they really believe that people don't see this shit? Kiss me ass for real on that one. I wish them all hot fire ants on the inside of their honey drenched assholes. Wish I could call up a swarm of killer bees. I just wanted to come home knowing what the next 7 days is going to bring. More headaches and ass kissing from those sheep that surround me.
I wanted closeness got a sweet note that any other time would've made my day, but I just can't think right now and all I want to do is cry and curl up in a ball and pray for a pardon. How am I going to hold my end of the bargain. When do I finally decide to say fuck...and jump and not worry about the landing. Some would think I shouldn't have to worry about the landing, but that ain't me.
We won't see each other more than passing for the next 7 days and I don't rate down time, you want to hang out and be out, but I won't say a word cause most of the time you don't hear me anyway. Makes me sad, pisses me off and relieved all at the same time. I know I'm shitty company and would rant and rave until I passed out!

I'm so angry I fucking hate them!!!

T.

MOTHERFUCKER

AIN'T THIS A BITCH!!!!


Found out that I can't crosstrain fucking air force. Can't talk about it but that's the way it is. I'm out doing what I have to do to get the fuck away from our crazy ass baby bush and do something real!

MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

Da Briefing

Had my cross training briefing today, I could barely contain myself. As they started to talk about all the things I needed to accomplish to get my package submitted my heart sank. I'm going to get this shit done, I have to not much choice. Trying to keep good thoughts in my head. So BLAH BLAH BLAH...

Holla
T.

And today...

Another day down, not feeling any better about this EXERCISE thang! Still want to be naturally skinny, but I'm sure somewhere in this world there is someone who wants to be a chunky brown nappy headed chick...yeah we always want what we don't have, but once you have it then what?
Today was a good day my friend A. got her promotion stripes today. I'm so happy for her. Another sista doing good things for herself. I like her, she's real. I don't call many people friend but she's on my list.
Ate well today all except the trail mix but only had a handful of that. Decided I'm going to start writing poetry or just transfer some of the stuff I already have. Some are better than others, but hey stay tuned I'm only getting sweeter with time.

Holla
T.

My Day...

I HATE exercise! Started working out with a trainer this week. John doesn't play when it comes to his clients. I long to be one of those naturally skinny bitches who can eat anything and have a house full of babies and still have thin thighs and flat tummies. I just feel like crap because it is the first step in twelve. Still have all this Iraq shit lurking over my head. The crosstraining list came out on the 9th the list is FAT as hell and I hugged people I didn't even like because I see the chance for freedom. A way to stay and do my 20 and get that MBA! Trying so hard not to get my hopes up because I know the military isn't trying to give me and mine what we need not even close to what we want. So I'm trying to hold it all in and not get my hopes up but it's hard not to get crazy when the list has more than 3 jobs that I've been eyeing all year. I'm scared really scared. Scared SHITLESS

Holla
T.

Mistakes

I know I have made many mistakes in my life, not proud of them but I have learned from them or have I?

The first time I saw him I thought to myself damn he's fine! Had this big ole round head with the hair cut low. He was so soft spoken, but when he spoke I was touched.. my heart my mind. I couldn't take my mind off of him. Saw him with his children little girl sleep in his lap, son playing quietly at his feet, wife at work. I wanted him.
We were friends and we crossed the line taking time for us in secret, laughing, loving and falling in love. He offered to leave her, I told him no. Explained to him that I would never want to have a man who would leave for me but not for himself. Made him weak in my eyes. For my birthday he got my name tattooed across his back and on his chest. Everytime he made love to her she was looking at his devotion to me.
I saw her and the kids together, I turned away because at that moment of watching her strap her babies in their carseats I knew I was 2nd in his life in his heart. She was the Mrs. and I was the mistress. One sided love when I knew I deserved better. Didn't want to be a liar and a cheat, wanted to be a real woman, not his pussy on the side.
He went away on business and called me everyday sent me flowers. I died while he was gone, reborn stronger. He showed up 2 days after he got home, bringing gifts and promises of more. I told him it was over and he cried. I cried alone, he countinued to call and stop by. But I saw him for the first time...didn't want or need what I saw.
Nothing worse than a weak ass man who can't admit when it's over and claims he stays for the kids when he's really staying for himself because he's comfortable or scared or both.

Giving In..

Why is my mind in so many different places? I can't think straight to save my life. Trying so very hard to plan my life, but can't live it the way that I want to because I don't know how I want to live it. Not sure what to give up or what to try.

Thoughts

I wasn't going to write today because it's one of those days that just isn't all the great or eventful. Then I knew I needed to, really deep inside wanted to. Missing that closeness that I usually feel in my early mornings. I miss the soothing...the calming...the longing... the loving...the sweetnes

Stayed up later than I wanted to last night. Took on a verbal fight don't think I won though, but who really knows. It's been 9 days since I've done my job. Bad midget! I just kept telling myself, it how he feels, it doesn't have to define you. Thinks I'm doing my job with someone else. NOPE.

I know what it's like to feel unwanted and I'd never want that for anyone that I love.

Through all of this I'm still thinking my own private thoughts. I too am human very human.

Craving sweets when you know they're not what you need but what you want. When does a want become a need?

Why do I want to tell all of my secrets share my strangeness?

Licks and Nibble.... sweet licks and nibbles.