A new day brings....

Had a conversation with Chocolate Trouble/Tren seems like a down to earth brotha. He says I'm tough. I told him he don't know the half...then I laughed. Seems the library is his favorite place to hang which for some reason I think is cool. Another a book work perhaps? We talked about the Tavis book and what we each thought about it. Showed him the P. Cleage books and he checked one out. I checked out a W. Mosley book...not much for mysteries ya know?

It's funny because I hated my best friend Hen for a while before we clicked. Everyone and everything has a purpose in your life.

Inlaws are coming for a few days. Looking forward to spending time with them.

Going for my 2nd interview on Wed. I need this job cause Dooney just came out with a new purse and Poetry has to have it. I'm thinking of changing my professional name because my first name doesn't strike me as a name to use in a professional setting. Shaking off the old and embracing the new. I hope I get it this job.

Algebra is kicking my ass but I have a tutor so I'm hopeful. Asking for a bucket full of blessing instead of a thimble full. My big sis the shit...if you don't know now you know.

Tren

It's been one of those weeks. The weather is horrible, the kids are antsy and I'm not feeling to great about things.

I had to get out of the house...my favorite place next to a shoe dept. is the library. I pick up a couple of books for my own pleasure and then decide to research some things that have been on my mind. I know exactly where to look for my research, I've been here before. I grab some books a take up residence at a table. It feels good to be in the library. I feel smart!

I'm flipping through pages just scanning until I find something I feel I need.

I look up from my book, the library is pretty full today. I get back to my books....

Someone pulls out the chair across from me and sits down. I look up...it's Trouble. He smiles and puts his books down.
I don't say a word but I want to shout WHATTHEFUCKDOYOUTHINKYOU'REDOING?

He says hello and asks me if I come to the library a lot. I stare at him like he's lost his mind. He tells me he loves the library. I'm 2 seconds away from collecting my books and going home. My cell phone rings (heather headley ringtone is the joint!) and I answer it because caller ID says home. My oldest is calling to complain his brother and sister are acting a donkey! I speak to them both and tell to stay in there rooms until I get home. I hang up my phone and he smiles at me and says kids what can you do with them. I tell him my oldest can handle them. He raises one eyebrow and asks so hubby ain't home with them? I don't answer him. I can see he's staring at my hands. No ring today he says in a low voice. I feel like I've fallen down. I tell him I don't wear it anymore. He's finally quiet. Then he extends his hand and says I'm Tren by the way. I don't take his hand. He doesn't seem to be offended he just smiles...why is this motherfucker always smiling? He picks up two of my research books and reads the titles, his lips are moving...I want to laugh. He says wow and hands them back to me. Who's your favorite author, he asks me never taking his eyes off my books. Pearl Cleage, I say picking up books and grabbing my purse. Have you read Tavis Smiley's new one, he asks me? I tell him yes and I keep moving. He catches up with me at the bottom of the stairs. Listen he says juggling his own arm load of books, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I'm cool. I ain't stalking you but I'd like to take you out when y our divorce comes through. I look at him and just walk away. I hand the librarian my research books on divorce and I take my black ass home.

Trust

I don't trust you to hold me down or lift me up. I don't trust you to believe in my dreams.

So much right now

I hate you so much right now....how fucking dare you!

Without

Tonight I am feeling without. I wish I could explain it better but it is what it is. I can see the road I'm going down and it's not pretty. I told my best friend exactly where I felt I was, she laughed because I said it jokingly but I wasn't joking. Sometimes you simply have to pick a road and keep moving.
I'm tired of trying to explain myself so I won't I'll find what I need and take it. That works better for me. I hate this fucking small ass town. I need to be some where I can disappear in the crowd. I really miss the east coast. I hate this cold ass weather. It makes me cranky.
I know what I need and alternatives are always good!

Move Bitch!

No I don't want to meet you. We have nothing to talk about. I don't entertain racists past or present. Fuck you bitch. My skin is still a silky lovely chocolate that ain't ever going to change. My children are a nice cocoa with milk color. That's still the same. Don't waste your time. It's been 11yrs and I ain't the forgiving kind. You made your choice all those years ago and life went on. I saw him weep because of your ignorance, I saw him stumble because of your hatred. So now your life has changed and you want to bridge that gap of so many unspoken words.

FUCK NO!

Have you ever heard of burning bridges, well silly bitch ain't nothing but ashes left. If you want to talk to someone you better start talking to God cause I ain't talking. If you want forgiveness, better talk to God cause I ain't forgiving.

Move on..... we have already moved through you!!

Fuck it, I ain't your friend!

Why do parents try so hard to be cool with their kids? I'm a parent of a teenager and I don't give a fuck if he thinks I'm cool. I am here to prepare him for a world that doesn't give a shit if he lives or dies. I don't care what his friends think of me either, I ain't on no let me be your friend bullshit. I will teach him right and wrong and in the end he will have to choose what road he wants to take, but I won't sit back and let him fuck up right under my nose. I'm a parent not a friend. After he leaves my house we have the rest of our lives to be friends, but for the time being I put my foot straight up his ass when he needs it, which is more than I would like. All in all he is a crazy funny lovable young man. I will not set him up for life challenges by letting him mistake my love for friendship. You ain't drinking in my house you ain't fucking in my house you ain't smoking in my house . I know this won't stop him from doing these things but I'm not going to give him a free pass to be a fuck up so I can wear the cool mom title. Fuck that! I'm Mama and that's the only title I need to hold!

True

I know that things in life are decided for us, even when we don't want them to be. Sometimes when things are said out loud they have an impact that you don't expect, even when you knew it was true before it was spoken.

In the back of my mind it's different I can create whatever I want it to be.

For me it was part heartache and part relief. I have often wondered where this road will take me. No need to wonder any more. It takes me right where I was all along.

I wouldn't change the journey not one solitary step.

I know this to be true.

On the days it doesn't seem to be enough I will replay those words and know it has to be enough because this is all there is.....

Purging will begin soon

Now that the horrordays have passed, I dealing with all kinds of fallout. I don't have the time or patience to write so the purging will begin in earnest really soon. I miss being here!