Learning....

I've read that learning for most people is about repetition. If you repeat something then you learn it and perhaps even believe it.
I keep repeating it and I'm learning.

Hair

"As a collective, no other race on the planet is so misinformed, so ignorant, so fearful and ashamed of their own characteristics as we are. We may not be able to change our history but we can change our present."

How deep is this?

It's so much more than hair

?

He hurt my soul last night so I will become a little more invisible today. When you tear the fabric that is your love it sometimes can not be mended.

Rolling on Empty

I am rolling on fumes right now. Tired is not the word for what I am right now. I have passed by tired and am now on my way to Whythehellcan'tIseeStraightville. I ran around today on 3 1/2 hrs sleep had some weird dreams last night. Got a packet of forms from the VA today. Going to take them to my Rep tomorrow and see exactly how quick I can get them back to main office in Waco.



*I was crying because I found out that day I would have to go back on my meds to feel normal again. I realized at that moment there is nothing normal about medicating your body everyday. The thought was sheer terror for me. Thank you for asking <3

Tomorrow...well today...

When everyone is gone tomorrow I'm gonna strip nekkid and dance around to this....because blessings abound




Jilly from Philly is doing the damn thing...I played this one so much my kids can sing it word for word. In a time where kids are rapping about killin' each other I think that's just beautiful, just like Jilly from Philly doin' the damn thing for the sexy big girls!

MJB

I am a huge Mary J. Blige fan, like you didn't know that from my posts :-)

I swear fo Gawd her My Life CD saved my life and stopped me from hunting down my ex and killing him and the bitch he was cheatin' with. No I'm not bitter but he should really write Mary a letter and thank her for the life he has now. I was crazy back then, I don't mean the "girl you so crazy" type of crazy I mean get on a bus show up at your door at 3 am crazy. I remember I used to sit in the middle of my bed and rock to and fro because I felt like I was dying. Then I got that CD and I would play it from the time I woke up, took a shower, did my hair, dressed. Took it into my car ( this was before you could burn a CD to another CD) then I would take it into my teller window at the bank. This went on for months. But it saved me, well I guess it helped me save myself!

I LOVE HER!

SHE IS DA TRUTH FO SHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ICE ME...WIFE ME...


That is some Mama knows best classic shit

FO REAL!!!!

MARY J. IS SO FUCKING REAL...FEEL IT

Doesn't Matter

I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter but it does some how. I am stronger than I even know(Fil you were right) Trying to get my head in the game. Feeling pretty good(Apple Martini's maybe) Can't wait to get to Yoga tomorrow to release these toxins. Hubster is sick so no closeness and lovin' for this chick! Boo Hiss. Talked to KHen going to see him in Jan 07 can't wait. He says he misses me and I believe him, my birthday twin! Big sis is going thru some shit, I'll be there no matter what, it's selfish of me but I'm happy she's staying close. Need to call my parents. Need to finish my twist, they are crazy this time. Been thinking all day. Everything is going to be alright, right? You always have what you need, it's just sometimes you don't know it and think you need something you don't. I ain't making a bit of sense. I want to get nekkid turn off the lights light a candle and listen to slow jams.

Trouble at WalMart

She's shopping at WalMart for makings of dinner. Minding her own bizness. Eating a lo cal snack from Mickey D's. Intent on the magazine she's pulled off the shelf to read but not buy. So I guess we can finally do lunch huh? She chokes on her next bite, Chocolate.... Trouble.

He sits down without being asked. She thinks WTF?

He asks if she's enjoying her mag and she just looks at him. He shifts in his sit, uncomfortable asks her what's wrong. Are you stalking me, she asks laughing at his obvious discomfort. No just came to pick up a few things decided to eat. She says oh and goes back to her magazine and her snack. She won't look at him but she can feel him staring at her. You took out the twists, he takes a bite of his burger. Yep is her only reply. You alright? He shifts again. She finally looks up from her magazine. If I tell you I'm not what are you going to do? If I tell you my world is falling apart what will that mean to you? Well, he stretches that word out real long. I would do this, he puts his hand over hers and it would mean to me you needed someone to be here right now. She pulls her hand back and tells him what he already knows she's married. He doesn't respond just looks at her. She feels the tears and prays they don't fall, she prays that she will not cry in front of Trouble. I'm from Jamaica, he says taking a long drink, I'm a citizen but I was born and raised there. She finds her voice and tells him she knows. He smiles. He gets up from his seat and slides in next to her. He's too close and she's angry. You can cry if you want to. He nudges her and smiles. Trouble. She looks into his eyes and shakes her head, she tells him she's cool just has a lot on her mind. You're a thinker he says to her and laughs. The laughter is light but it blocks out everything around. She doesn't say anything just lets out a deep breath. He moves back to his seat. Why do you keep talking to me, she asks him because she wants and needs to know. He asks her if she wants to know the truth, she tells him of course why would anyone want a lie. I've seen you cry. She is blown away and feels the tears returning. She looks at him and waits for an explanation. He looks at her and begins...before you got out you were sitting in your truck in the clinic parking lot, I was pulling in and I noticed you because of the hair and their aren't too many sistas around here you know? I watched you from my parking space and you were crying...hard, like your world was upside down. I watched you for like 15 minutes then you wiped your face, checked the mirror and went on your way.
She recalls that morning but doesn't tell him why she was crying. He tells her from that moment on he needed to be her friend to stop her from crying alone. She looks him dead in the eye and says BULLSHIT loud enough for people to turn and look at them. He doesn't waiver, but finishes his burger. She again reminds him she's married and he simply states he doesn't care. It's out in the open. She closes the magazine and gets up to walk away. She informs him she's not going to sleep with him so he's wasting his time. He smiles tilts his head and asks her if she's still crying alone. She drops her eyes tells him sometimes and walks away from Trouble.

Soft

Went to pick my baby girl up from Pre K and the teacher let me know she had a rough day today. I was shocked because she loves going to school and is always the first one out the door most mornings. The teacher informed me, that Syd was sad today because she missed her mommy...that's me! I'm not a soft mother. I'm the one who rules the roost and doesn't take any shit from my kids because the world ain't gonna be soft on them. I was soft with them when they were little, kissing small toes, fat bellies and chubby cheeks. As they grew older I guess that part of me faded because I didn't want them to be screaming brats. I forget most times I am their anchor in this world that views them largely by the color of their skin. I am their safe harbor. I get so busy trying to keep things running smoothly I forget that I am Mama. The same one that kissed those toes, bellies, and cheeks. We are bonded in this life and the next. I am their past and they are my future. That makes me feel so soft and hopeful.

What to do what to do?

My favorite Auntie called me to tell me some bad news. I've been praying for her all week. They found a tumor on her spine, won't know what's really going on until they do the biopsy. I can't lose her. She's my rock. I see her as this take no shit person I want to be when I grow up. Have watched her drop a grown ass man on his ass with one punch. I'm hopeful and prayerful.

Fashionista or Fashion Victim?

Why can't I seem to dress myself? I mean I have the basics down, I know the bra and panties go on the inside, but after that I'm at a loss. I know what I like but I don't know what I like on me. I love my DKNY Ludlow jeans but I can't for the life of me find the correct shoes and shirt. My big ol titties don't help matters but hey I'm willing to learn.

After dinner snack..... tonight

Lighter Lemon Bars

Makes 16 Lovely Lemon Bars

Ingredients:
1/4 cup confectioners sugar
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
3 large eggs
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 teaspoons grated lemon zest
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon salt
confectioners' sugar, for dusting

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350ºF. Beat the 1/4 cup of confectioners' sugar and butter on medium speed until creamy. Gradually add the 1/2 cup of flour, and mix on low speed until the mixture is crumbly. Next, press the mixture into the bottom of an 8-inch square baking pan, and bake until just golden brown (about 10 to 12 minutes). Cool on a wire rack. Lower the oven temperature to 325ºF. Whisk the eggs on medium speed until foamy. Add the sugar, lemon zest, lemon juice, 3 tablespoons of flour, baking powder and salt, and combine. Pour the mixture over the baked crust and bake until set, about 20 to 25 minutes. (Do not touch the filling with your fingers or it will stick to them.) Cool on a wire rack. Cut into 16 squares and dust with confectioners' sugar.

Give me boots!!!

I want these boots for the winter.

Can I borrow $115 until your next payday?

Uggs size 8 if you're feeling generous.....

Brothels, House Parties, and Hoes

So I had crazy dreams last night. Dreamt about all kinds of crazy sex and weird happenings. I had to have him even before he woke this morning. Grabbed his hardness and took what we both needed. I laid sated and happy before the sun rose. Today will be a good day!

Chocolate Trouble

He caught me by suprise today! Asked me if I was on my way to the gym. Told him I was on my way to yoga. He said I looked happy, told him I was. Asked me if he could come to class with the me. Asked him if he was looking for happiness. Told me he was looking for something else. I smiled and told him to stop flirting and he laughed and told me to stop being so pretty. I blushed! ME, chocolate me with a warm red underglow. He asked me if I was locing, told him no just feeling free and fuzzy. Then we stood in silence. He smiled and said he would see me soon. I told him probably not, he said you never know. Oh I know he ain't nothing but a little bit of chocolate trouble. Chocolate.....trouble......

OOOMMMmmmm

So I was in yoga class today sweating like a runaway slave. Gotta love the downward facing dog and the reverse warrior. I was centered and my breathing was on point. All is right with the world! I feel loose and free. Oh the joy!

Don't make me....

I swear if you look at me like that one mo' time I'm gonna kick off my shoes, let down my twist and hump you like a wild monkey!

Damn ain't this the truth?!!!

Do not make someone your priority when they see you as an option....

I felt like I had been hit with a brick when I read that! Wow!

***My Truth About You***

Can I now speak my truth about you?

The truth about you is that I'm afraid. Afraid that I am being played in a both sides against the middle type way. I'm afraid the love I hold for you will be destroyed by betrayal. I'm afraid you will not see this betrayal until it is sitting firmly in your lap. I'm afraid to tell you about how I truly feel about the "other" situation, because being bitchy and insecure is not sexy. Not that I'm trying to be sexy but you get what I mean right? I'm afraid to open my heart to the pattern, afraid to let my mind see the pattern you have laid in your past. I'm afraid one day you will simply wake up and decide enough is enough and walk away from me, leaving my heart broken and full of love for you.

She ain't my sista

You fucking bitch!!! I take friendship very seriously and for you to just outright lie to me over some ego shit is not cool. My list has been shortened and I hope I'm not being played from the opposite end. So happy I never shared my secrets with your weak ass. It is O V E R for you chick. I'll will hold my tongue and step through you to get to where YOU want to be. We are not soul sisters. Your soul is lost and I won't play hide and seek. Fuck you, you grimey petty jealous trick! Why did you try and steal my joy and make it your own? I hope it was worth it.