Stand

I screamed because I needed to scream. I didn't back down didn't let him pull that usual turnaround shit. I stood my ground. Can't say it made me feel good or even strong, but I feel like it's all I could hold on to. In this world I have my kids, my sister and my best friend K.

Confessions

Confession is good for the soul.

Well I have a confession.

I'm not wearing any panties right now, okay that's not my confession, but it's true!

My confession is I listened to some country music, and I liked it! AH SHIT!!!

Yep I was at the gas pumps getting some CHEAP ($2.04) gas and I was listening to some Tim McGraw singing my silly head off. I noticed this white lady just looking at me. I'm rocking nappy twists and a nose stud so I get some unwanted "admirers"

This chick is looking at me sideways like I'm short(well I am 5') but she's looking at me like my pussy tastes funny or something.

So I mean mug her ass 'cause I was born in the projects and I'm still gangsta. Okay so I'm not gangsta anymore I'm a soccer mom with an SUV, but she didn't know that so I stared her down all the while singing my own greatest country hits.

She looked a way and I laughed 'cause you never know she could've whooped my black ass. Gotta love prejudices when they work in your favor. Simple bitch!

Shady Happenings?

Our government is run by a bunch of self serving crooks. It's the American way, act like you want to help the masses all the while scratching the back of those people who can put the most money in your pockets.

I don't like to talk politricks because people seemed to be so high strung and single minded when it comes to issues. To think someone who doesn't know you and doesn't give two fucks about your simple ass, is honest and forthcoming is a big ass joke.

I think daily about the cluster fuck that was the Katrina Response and it seems like it was something that would happen in a 3rd world country. If you take just a moment to really think about it we have so many "third world countries" all across America, it's ridiculous. We, as a people, really don't want to change that. We are feel safe with the way things are, myself included. We don't think about the poor because after all this is America and everyone has an equal chance. If you believe that horseshit you really are simple like our president.

I once took a Sociology class(yeah I'm educated) and we discussed how poor people are at a disadvantage prior to birth due to poor prenatal care. I mean shit if before you slide out the pussy you're behind the curve what happens for the first 18yrs of your life ain't no picnic.

As I thought about the people in N.O and those parts I started to think about how shady our government is (oil hungry bastards) At this point people have let it slide that our government was playing golf while the poor people floated away. (heard Condi's Massa dick sucking ass got some fly ass shoes while shoppin' cause you know Tiger is the only negro who plays golf, well you have that V.J. prick but he ain't a negro, even though the LAPD would still whoop his ass for sport! Shit he's darker than my grandma on my Daddy's side!)
Does it take a fucking genius to figure out that if a motherfucker is broke with no transportation BEFORE a natural disaster then they're probably not going to have money to get the hell out of Dodge when shit starts to float?

Now the rebuilding process is at snails pace. Yeah it's great Oprah his building whole neighborhoods but what is Big Brother doing? Big Brother is waiting, laying in wait for the roundhouse kick no one saw coming. They are waiting because their plan is to steal the land in N.O. like they did from the Indians (how quickly we forget) Big Brother will move in on the "unclaimed" land and do what they do best, fuck it up.(Not like it wasn't already ragedy). They will claim the land for their own developmental uses while those poor people they fucked last year remain displaced.



Who's the real Slim Shady now BITCH?!!!!!!!!!!

Therapy?

Writing for me is sometimes like a virus, it has to run its course.

I'm off my meds again, not purposefully just forgot to refill them. Doesn't help that my copay for them has almost tripled. Now I am feeling the withdrawal effect and it's not nice at all.

I can't sleep but if I take my sleep meds this late I will be groggy in the morning. I will try writing therapy and see how that goes.

I had the feeling in my brain when the meds start to wear off, I feel like a constant misfire and flashes of light as if it's dark and my eyes are closed and someone has turned on a bright light. I feel nauseated and dizzy like when you drink way too much and you're laying in bed and you have to put your foot on the floor to stop the room from moving...yeah like that.

The pharmacy opens at 8AM and I'm soooo there.

Vudoo Soul

I'm looking for new music all the time. Found this guy on MySpace. Never heard an Asian guy sing like this. I hope he comes out on top because he has true talent.

I am ready...are you?

I love her...she sings what is in my heart

Loc or not???

I'm trying to decide if I want to start locing my hair. I love my naps, I'm lazy when it comes to loving them but I'm not sure if I'm truly ready to take this journey. It has been on my mind for a while and it has been a plan of mine since the beginning, but I figured I would master my loose hair and then loc. I haven't mastered much of anything and I still continue to learn about what my hair can do sans chemicals.

I have found someone to start them for me but I'm not sure just yet. Maybe that means I'm not ready, maybe you're never 100% sure, is 80% enough?

ATL here she comes

So I'm going to visit my lil sis Feb 2007. I'm so excited! It's so strange because we are 9yrs apart and look nothing alike, but I have recently found out that she has longed for a close relationship since we were little. I've been a shitty older sister. Blame it on jealousy. Our Dad raised her, you know the one I'm so in love with? Yep that one. My Dad married her mom when I was 5. I cried the day she was born because I wanted a brother so I could always be Daddy's Girl. Seems I always was even when I fucked up and had my son without a husband at 18yrs. To let Eenie(her nickname) tell it my name has stayed on my Dad's lips always. That just blows my mind. Now years after letting go of the jealousy I can see she is a grown ass woman making her own way. She will always be a little girl to me. I love her, always have nothing in the world like sisterhood.

We are both Dadddy's Girls and I don't even mind sharing.

Forgive

I would forgive him anything. The sound of his voice brings forth my truths, the ones I try to keep within. I try to hold back, to grow immune to what I feel but I can not stop what has become my truth. It makes me angry sad and fearful. How did I come to be this? Is it all a game? I'm afraid he will hurt me and I won't be able to keep my own truths. I would forgive him anything. Can I forgive him not loving me the way I need him to love me, to need me, to speak it?

One too many apple martinis?

Race Over

For so long I felt like I was running someone else's race. Unsure of the finish line or the motivation for running. Today I finished. It was mind over matters. I decided to walk because I no longer feel I need to run. I cleared my mind and heart and took a different path. I will never run someone else's race. The race is over.

Please

I'm pretty twisted right now. Drinking Apple martinis and enjoying the day. I have a day trip on my mind. I just feel so lonely right now, but not sad lonely just like I need what I need right now. I feel like I want to beg, but I feel like if it's meant to be then it will be done. Move heaven and earth for me baby just this once and I promise I will give you whatever you ask me for in the new year '07.

I need you can't you feel that, when you wrapped your arms around me did you feel the pull of my soul trying to make us one? Please baby I need you to do this for me, for us.

I shouldn't drink and write...too much truth not enough sensoring.

I love you

Real

When I close my mind I try to capture those few moments in time. A time when it was so real for me. I run through it in my mind daily. It's strange because even though it so new the memory has already become fuzzy around the edges. It's scary to me because I feel perhaps the whole thing will eventually blur and I once again will be without. I want to replace this memory with something I can hold in my hand something that won't blur and distort. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe that is where this ache comes from. The wanting something so badly and not being able to make it real. I want it to be real again.

Strange

He's invaded my dreams yet again. Wearing a black tux with white socks, not sure what that means.

As always I was happy to see him. Jason was in this dream as well I was happy to see him too.

Strange indeed