Damage

He was in my dream last night. How do you love someone who isn't a part of your life? This was the strangest dream yet it wasn't even about him but me needing to talk to him needing him to be there. I can still feel him close to me. I miss him. I grabbed him and I hugged him and I whispered in his ear the damage I had done in my dream. I haven't thought about him in a while. I've tried to make peace with the loss to truly understand, but I guess a part of me will forever miss him and not fully understand how someone can love you but not be able to stand the sight of you. That hurts. Life is all about reaping and sowing.

Box

I ran through each one in my head and I knew today was the day. I promised myself I would not cry. It was a broken promise. I put each one in the box, wiping tears trying not to think about what happens now. I piled each memory in one by one and gently placed the lid on.

Easy to look @

He says my name and I can hear his accent. I'm trying to get my walking papers squared away. I saw his car as he pulled in beside me. "Are you there yet?" He just looked at me with a smile so bright it almost brought tears to my eyes. "As of last week I'm a free woman" I don't smile because I know he must think I'm flirting and I'm trying really hard to just walk on by, even though I would like to stop and talk. Craving adult conversation. "So you can do whatever you want whenever you want?" It's not nasty when he says it but it's nasty when I process it. I have avoided this part of base because I didn't want to run into him, it's not a good hair day. "It's wild today?" I can see his hand in slow motion it's coming for my fro I stumble backwards and almost bust my ass. He catches my arm and helps me balance. I smile but my voice is lost "How about I take you to lunch?" I almost choke because he knows I'm married. "I'm married." He simply shakes his head and grabs my hand and holds it up to the sun...my hand is bare. "Another morning shower?" I look at him and I know it must appear to the world that we are lovers "You're really silly you know that?" I take my hand back. "So you really are married you're not just trying to get rid of me?" His skin is so fucking chocolate I imagine it smells sweet. "Yes for almost a decade been married to the same person" I realize when the words exit my mouth I sound stupid. I know at this point my mind is the last thing on his. "Impressive" he gives me his sunshine smile and I know it's time to go. I just walk away from him to afraid to turn around to see if he's looking at me, then I hear it, he says loud enough for me to hear "Damn" I get in my truck and exit in the opposite direction. I guess we all get tested everyday. Don't know why I keep getting the same test, but he sure is easy to look at.

It's my party

I'm having a party on Saturday! I'm getting excited. Spiked watermelon and drinks for everyone.

Party time!

I wish...

Heather says and I agree...

I wish I wasn't in love with you so you couldn't hurt me

I wish I could go back to the day before we met so I could skip my regret

Retreat

When I can no longer stand the pain and live in the right now. I retreat. Retreat into the memories that have been given to me by those who love(d) me those who know me. I smile at the thought of each one I walk through. Shake my head in amazement or sometimes in disappoinment. I can relive those moments and know if only for a moment my reality is altered.

Love

I love my Mama flaws and all I love that crazy woman. I love her for what she has given to me and I will learn to forgive her for what she wasn't able to give. I love my Mama

Oh Goddess not SUV's

I'm out and about shopping for cute shoes and some summer shirts(found 4 cute ones but spent $120...bad midget!)

I noticed on my way home that a lot of old people are rolling around in SUV's . The world was dangerous enough when these blue haired bandits were driving those block long american made pieces of crap, but now they have moved on up like George and Weezy...what the fuck.? Do car salesmen really have no sense of duty? What they hell are they thinking selling these houses on wheels to the elder generation? This is a dangerous trend. No one under the age of 23 or over the age of 59 should be allowed to own or operate an SUV it just ain't safe for the rest of us. If the government can make me wear my seat belt for my own safety then the government should be able to do something about SUV driving grandparents and in some cases GREAT grandparents! Our safety is at risk. Something must be done.

And So

My Doc called today, wanted to make sure I was feeling alright. Told her I would make an appt for next week. Asked me if I was taking my meds, told her the truth...um no. I'm feeling okay I have my moments but overall life is good.

Been watching my girlfriends son she's in Iraq and her hubster is working nights. My kids love him and they are all crazy as hell.

Haven't jumped on my reading list, just enjoying the warm weather. Kids are leaving for month soon. Gotta love the grandparents.
I'm going to walk around bucked nekkid when they are gone. Me and the girls are gonna be free.

Booty Booty Booty Booty Booty rockin' everywhere....

So I'm a big ol' weirdo

I keep my memories good and bad in boxes, not in the boxes in the physical sense. I mean in my mind.
I once tried to explain it to a lover of mine, he pleaded with me if we broke up to never put him in a box. He wanted to stay at the forefront of my mind. He now has a box, a pretty small one. My first love has a box filled with good times at the top, so if I'm just passing over the box it makes me smile, but if I'm given time to search deeper into a box, well it's not a good thing.

There are some boxes that aren't opened often, because...
1. I haven't properly dealt with it or...

B. Because the box just isn't worth opening.

Some people who have come into my life do have more than one box.

My first love has two just because our relationship was so deep and painful for me.
I try only to open the box "marked" Grace not the one marked P.J. strange huh?

Some boxes hold little "demons" not evil or anything but I think of the "demons" as issues. Sometimes those little fuckers jump up out of those boxes and I have to chase them down.

Did I mention these little troublemakers are completely naked, dark red with horns and they have little round bums with tails? Well they are.
They don't mean to cause trouble, but they just run around all the boxes like crazy laughing their asses off!
Once I "catch" them I stuff them back in whatever box they escaped from and I place the lid firmly on top.
I'm usually safe until the next time the decide to "play". I've been this way most of life, it works for me.

So what is it

After some intense loving from the hubby, I began to wonder what it is about getting a hummer that turns a man on most. Is it the sound of the lips on the tip, the loud sucking that fills the room when my mouth is full, or is it the sensation of me running my tongue quickly just under the tip of the head, you know the part that flares out like a swollen football helmet? I've never thought to ask and since I pretty much rode him to sleep I couldn't ask him. Feel free to answer if you know.

As I podcast

Oh my sweet jesus...I think I'm going to lose it. Ain't nothing in this world like black erotica.

I can't hear you..lalalalalalalalala

Took a short VaCa just a couple of get away days. Went to the water park. There is something about walking around in your swimsuit for hours at a time that is strangely freeing. We all had a great time and I think I found a great place for a just me long week end get away when I get around to it.

Hubster got sunburned on the top of his head and his calves. He's strange at times because his sunscreening has some how become MY responsibility. So we are in our room getting ready for dinner and he just looks at me. Of course I just look at him in return cause this nappy sista was drained and HUNGRY and I wasn't about to play a guessing game. Then he turns to me in all seriousness and says "WE forgot to put lotion on my scalp and my calves." I looked at him like he was drinking liquid crack. I then asked him how long he had been white and how HE could forget those places? I mean damn I use sunscreen on my face everyday, but I do have some natural protection. WE didn't forget anything. I been a dark brown all my life. Sunscreen is not my first and last thought ya know? If WE forgot to cover those places why is HE the only one who got burned...hmmmmmm?

The ride home was a strange one. I blocked them all out with my headphones. I'm getting really bad about that. I use my iPod when doing chores when I walk the neighborhood when I'm at the grocery store...just whenever I need an escape. The strangest thing of all is it really isn't an escape. Being alone with rhythmic words in my head causes me to think about just about everything under the sun. Makes me sad makes me laugh makes me angry, but I like it.

Trying to stay away from private pity parties. You can be unhappy but know you are blessed. I will find my happiness from within. I only need to find what makes me happy. Now THAT is no simple task.

Reading list II

Child of God
(lolita files)...this was a great book, it was a hard read but good nonetheless
Salvation Black People and Love
(bell hooks)
The Head Negro in Charge Syndrome
(norman kelly)
Raising Up Queens Loving Our Daughter Loud and Strong
(esther davis-thompson)
Longing to Tell
(tricia rose)
Hair Story Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America
(ayanna d byrd & lori l tharps)
Pink
(marilynn griffith)
Drive Me Crazy
(eric jerome dickey)