Mama=Superman??

I'm getting ready for work this morning at O dark 30 and my baby girl is trying to get her shoes on. I rushing because I slept in, shit it's friday! Anyway she's putting her shoes on and she starts yelling for me "Mama! Mama! there's something over here!" Now we leave our shoes at the door a habit from living in Japan and we have new carpet. Every now again a critter will come thru the front door and make it's home among our shoes. Baby girl is still yelling so I turn on the light and get ready to kick some BUG ASS! Alas it is just a leaf that has blown in. As I soothe her and tell her not to worry I begin to think about the whole situation, cause you know I love to think. The hubster was actually closer to her, but she called for me. She was scared and she expected Mama to take care of anything that could've harmed her. Now that is some serious Mama power! My baby girl is a kick ass type of girl though she's more girly at 3 then I have every been. It still amazes me that in her mind Mama=Superman(bug killer) and that's quite alright with me!

DRAMA

I keep on dreaming...confused. It's beyond my control, but in my waking hours I've taken to thinking about him. Worrying things have gone wrong again. I've been tempted to reach out but each time I'm on the edge I pull myself back. I think of the havoc that small contact could cause. I'm feeling emotionally fragile for this reason alone. I take friendship VERY seriously. I'm scared to reach out to him. What do you say...how do you make all the bad things okay? Why do I feel like I'm hiding in plain sight? I still carry him with me everyday. He's family. So the lastest dream was too weird to describe. Strange vibe so I'm wondering what is going on in his life now. Is he dreaming of me? Angry with me? Missing me? I see a pattern of me me me and I'm not sure why this is affecting me in this way. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow. I'm thinking the conversation would go like this.

*Ring Ring*(that's the phone)

Me: Hi Juan Fern, it's me
JF: Me? me who? I know a lot of me s so you're going to have to narrow that down for me
Me: It's your baby's mama
JF: Which one? I mean I don't have any baby's mamas
Me: It's me, T, Juan Fern
JF: Ohhhhh(silence)
Me: I just wanted to make sure you're okay, I've been dreaming about you on and off
JF: Ohhhhh(silence)
Me: Are you okay, I mean is everything okay with you?
JF: Why it's been 5yrs what difference does that make now? Your late as usual.
Me: I just wanted to know Juan Fern
JF: I'm fine I have to go...(CLICK)


The sound of my heart breaking and me sobbing all over again. Why am I such a coward? Why am I such a drama queen. That boy ain't thinking about me.