DRAMA

I keep on dreaming...confused. It's beyond my control, but in my waking hours I've taken to thinking about him. Worrying things have gone wrong again. I've been tempted to reach out but each time I'm on the edge I pull myself back. I think of the havoc that small contact could cause. I'm feeling emotionally fragile for this reason alone. I take friendship VERY seriously. I'm scared to reach out to him. What do you say...how do you make all the bad things okay? Why do I feel like I'm hiding in plain sight? I still carry him with me everyday. He's family. So the lastest dream was too weird to describe. Strange vibe so I'm wondering what is going on in his life now. Is he dreaming of me? Angry with me? Missing me? I see a pattern of me me me and I'm not sure why this is affecting me in this way. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow. I'm thinking the conversation would go like this.

*Ring Ring*(that's the phone)

Me: Hi Juan Fern, it's me
JF: Me? me who? I know a lot of me s so you're going to have to narrow that down for me
Me: It's your baby's mama
JF: Which one? I mean I don't have any baby's mamas
Me: It's me, T, Juan Fern
JF: Ohhhhh(silence)
Me: I just wanted to make sure you're okay, I've been dreaming about you on and off
JF: Ohhhhh(silence)
Me: Are you okay, I mean is everything okay with you?
JF: Why it's been 5yrs what difference does that make now? Your late as usual.
Me: I just wanted to know Juan Fern
JF: I'm fine I have to go...(CLICK)


The sound of my heart breaking and me sobbing all over again. Why am I such a coward? Why am I such a drama queen. That boy ain't thinking about me.