Moving Day

I've decided to vacate this space. I'm trying to heal, I really am. I don't think my demons visit here often but I need to be some where I feel safe I've moved
If you decide you want to follow, hit me up and I'll let you peep the new house
Blessings and Light.

Me make happy time

Crushed ice

Sprite (or 7 up if you like)

Mango malibu rum

Mix and shake

Drink and repeat until you feel happy!

Mom Genes

I often wonder if people are given certain talents at birth. I mean not everyone can become a world class athlete. Not everyone is going to win a gold medal because that would defeat the purpose of competing.

I often wonder if perhaps certain women are born with the mom gene? People who compete on a professional level have a love and a drive for what they are doing. Does the same thing apply for mothers?

In the grand scheme of things I don't enjoy mom things. I don't enjoy the sitting at sporting events and pretending it matters that my kid is playing. I don't enjoy oohing and ahhing over some art project that going to go into the trash at the end of the month. I don't enjoy the kid things. I enjoy my kids the most when they are sleeping or we are in the car and we are having a conversation over ignorant people or people's opinions.

Perhaps I am missing the mother gene, perhaps I wasn't meant to compete on a professional level.

I was on my favorite board a little while ago and there was a debate on motherhood. People waxed poetically about how much being a mother changed them for the better. This is where the trouble comes in...we as women(brainwashed much?) can not understand when motherhood does not fulfill another woman. We look down on a woman who doesn't wrap herself completely in her child. What happens if being a mother doesn't make you a "better" person? Does that mean you love your children any less?


I don't like being a mother when it is THE most important thing about me. I find it odd that women who don't work outside the home are snubbed and disregarded but the moment a women says she doesn't want to or does not enjoy being a mother people are horrified.

Having had a child or three squeeze out of my cooch isn't the end all to be all about me.

If you enjoy being a mother well...yeah and go meat for you!

Being a mother isn't how I define myself. It's not the thing that makes me all warm and fuzzy, quite often it just make me want to sleep.

While some of you may be clutching your pearls all aghast I could give less than 2 fucks really.

Your definition doesn't fit me, I won't go silently and happily into the box that makes you comfortable.

My children (with Goddess's blessing) will eventually go out into the world and make their mark. I will always be their mother, I will always love them, but they will become who they will become and my being their mother will not be the MOST important thing to them, I'm cool with that. I don't plan on letting being their mother be the MOST important thing to me...

Wow...I said that and the world didn't even come to an end... imagine that...

Finally

I sat on the edge of loving you today.

I felt it slowly as it shifted. I knew it was coming but had hoped it would pass in a gust of emotions leaving behind what this was in the beginning. Love, hope and friendship.

I can't even say it out loud, words have power I felt their power as I heard the words over and over in my head.

I'm tried of this crowded existence, I'm tried of being the first in line and the last one served. I can not and will not blame you. I played myself short. Accepted the unacceptable, loved through the pain of it never being enough.

I don't know how to do this, it seems that more and more I can not love you and love me at the same time. I haven't done either very well.

So I'm giving up the last spot and putting me first.

I did the math Love and if finally adds up.

Perhaps

I'm trying hard to be positive today. I live for Fridays and I hate that. I had a couple of set backs this week, but I think I handled them well.
I guess therapy has its benefits. It's strange at times because I have these CRAZY thoughts and then something inside my head clicks and I am able to avoid disaster.

I thought to myself while driving on the highway "would my truck split in half if I hit that cement barrier going 80mph?" See I don't want to die, not trying to take myself out in anyway, shape, or form. I just have CRAZY thoughts, small private conversations in my head that get worse when I'm entering an episode.

So today I'm clear. The disappointments of the week...I'm not even going to think about those. I've been let down time and again, this time will be no different.

I looked over the edge of letting it go, I'm not there yet. I guess I'm afraid to let it go.

The headaches, the stomachaches, the inability to concentrate...could it all be linked to holding on so tightly that at times I can't breath? Running toward the one thing I should be running like hell from? Perhaps.

It's days like these I don't think I love enough (myself or anyone else)

Friday Wishes

I wish...

I could just let it go

I was at home right now legs up in the air or on all fours

I was more studious

I understood science better

I could tell her to shut the fuck up

I didn't work in a office full of women

I played well with others

I wasn't feeling like a horny crook right now

I could find jeans that fit JUST RIGHT

I could sleep late whenever

I could stop feeling what I'm feeling

I had more faith in his ability to move mountains

Sweet Baby Jesus

I'm doing my regular perusing of my favorite blogs today. I usually read Terry first because well read for yourself...

- I made sure that I became very accomplished at oral sex to compensate for my, er-ah, “shortcomings” elsewhere.

I swear I just got fucking wet when I read that. Man I just wasn't expecting that, which made it all the better...I almost need a cigarette...almost...

Does this make me easy? Ion care!

Lies to live by

Sometimes we lie to ourselves.
Trying to preserve and protect.
Trying not to fall for the okie doke and be disappointed just one more time.
We tell ourselves half truths, sometime we outright lie. Hoping what we hold in the our hands is fool's gold, pretty to look at but lacking in true value.
As long as we think its not the real thing we are safe and comfortable and it doesn't cost us a thing(or so we think).

This is where the lying begins

This can't be worth what I think it's worth...

I can't possibly afford something so precious...

I can't really have ALL of this...

This tiny piece is just fine with me, it's all I REALLY need...

We try so hard to believe those lies, swallowing them whole trying to fill what's missing.

Then you open your soul and realize what you hold is precious and priceless.
That tiny piece will never be enough.


Now what?