Tomorrow for me

It's back to the grind for me tomorrow. I think I'm healing up nicely. One trip to the ER don't stop no show. Waiting to find out our future in the coming week.

I'm looking forward to the office and Ainsley. I'm killing his plant without trying, I'm going to re-pot my gift and hope for the best.

His e-mails make me laugh until it hurts which these days isn't long.

I've been a reposting nut. Enjoying the joy it brings me

I hate being afraid, I despise it more than just about anything. Fear is ugly and selfish and takes what it wants. But for you I would live in fear, fear of losing myself in a moment of pure wanting. Fear of losing the hope that one day you will be able to see my soul and recognize it as the mirror to your own. Fear that you will never truly know how much I love the best and worst parts of you. Fear that you will not and can not love me in the emotional and physical. Living everyday with the fear that when you are laying deep inside the warmest part of me, even then you won’t truly belong to me. But for you I will live these everyday…

Writing

There is a part of me he will never know. When he went about the business of destroying me there were a few parts that were left intact. I struggled with the knowledge I couldn't turn back time and walk away. I struggled with the fact I was no longer the person he had fallen in love with. I struggled with my sense of self and my role as his partner. I didn't know the person I had become, she was weak and scared and those traits were foreign to me. I had changed and I was angry and wounded. Through all of this the one part of me that was unchanged was my writing. I wrote page after page of terrifying thoughts, dark moods, hateful wishes. I was safe in my writing, I didn't let him in, it was all I felt he had left me to survive. So I wrote through the pain of loving someone who couldn't love me in the sense I was used to, I wrote through the rage of wanting my life to be safe again, I wrote through the storms of self doubt and self loathing. I wrote and for those few moment of pen to paper I was safe and he could not harm me. I never invited him in, because in my heart in my mind if I gave him access to my only safe place he would eventually destroy me with my own words. So I invite those people who I feel truly safe with to share in the joy and heartache of the person I truly am. My writing is about love.

Being disappointed

Sex with someone you love is a beautiful thing. It has never been about the size of my lover's "gift" nor his skill. Sex for me is about what is going on inside my head. So many men get caught up in what they are doing and forget the most important sex organ is between the ears. Make love to my mind and I am blown away. Connect with me on an emotional level and the physical; while deeply enjoyable becomes secondary. I am a woman of words of emotions and for me to be disappointed my lover would have to truly disregard my emotional soul.

Makes me wanna

Listening to Babyface again this morning on the way to work. It amazes me that someone can put his feelings into words and make you feel exactly what he's feeling. He is a lover of words and that is MY thing so listening to his words makes me wanna do some things. What things you ask? Life changing life affirming things. He makes me look forward to times when I know I'll be fullfilling hopes and dreams. His songs makes me wanna love harder love stronger love deeper. Makes me wanna lay in a safe place so I don't have to be afraid. Makes me wanna expose the softest side of me. Makes me wanna write down all my dreams and desires and give them to you because my dreams and desires are you.

?

I want to wake up next to him in a room filled with early morning sunlight. I want him to hold me close to his body and whisper forever in my ear...Is this love....

Fantasy...not me

It hurt me to hear the truth. To have reality given to me in black and white. To hear it said I am not, can not, will not be in the one place I need to be. Walking around with my eyes wide open but not trying to see reality. Outspoken personality? People don't know the half, perhaps that's not someone else's reality but it is mine. Make me into anything else, the situation becomes a fantasy. I am not a fantasy to be downloaded and dispensed into the nearest tissue. If my name is on your lips at the moment of release then let it be my name and not a altered version of what you think you know.
Sometimes I feel you don't know me at all, and if you did, well things would be different. I feel you in my soul but perhaps I don't know you either. Perhaps you are my downloaded image, my fantasy, but I love you. That is reality
I am not angry, I'm just so fucking in love, I'm not sure anyone truly understands it not even me.

The other side

I feel like I've come thru the other side now. I don't know yet what I have lost or if I have lost anything at all. Some thing were meant to be spoken. I have to speak. I'm afraid of the pain of growing, of loving, but it won't stop me from doing both. I know where I want to be, I don't know if my waivering was fear or just self preservation. I don't want to live in a state of panic, so I spoke. I asked for what I needed not what I wanted. It's about heaven and earth for me. It's not about someone actually moving them, it's more about the true love and effort in trying. When you ask some one to open themselves completely, to give words life, to speak fears, love and pain you bind your souls together. That is what I need.

Trust in me

Trust in me

Your dreams are my dreams
Your fears are my fears
Your longing is my longing

Trust in me

I am always where ever you need me to be

All you have to do is ask and I am yours

Tonight

I felt a need to reach out but did not know how. I felt a longing I've known for quite some time. I ached in places I'd like to forget. I tucked it away, and lived the dream out in my mind where I know I am always safe.

At this time....

As I read these reposts I am filled with a happiness that seems so lost in this time with everything that is going on in my life.

I can truly said I am sincere and real. Open and honest. It makes me happy because I see ME in these words. Real beyond the moments they were written. Some people should be so lucky to love like this or to be loved like this. Blessings.

Loving you

It's the heartbeat of the love I feel for you. The hope for the unknown. Simple questions asked, simple questions answered. I will simply say "yes" and love in abundance. Being thankful for every moment that is given in love.

Wow

He's in love with me...
Can he see my soul? His love makes me feel like I can be me and be him all at the same time

He's in love with me...
Can he feel my heat? His love makes me feel like my wetness will take over all common sense and safe thinking

He's in love with me...
Can he see my smile? His love makes me smile until my cheeks hurt from the strain


He's in love with me...
Can he feel the quickening of my heart? His love makes my heart sing a song of longing and understanding

He's in love with me?
Wow

Thought

the mere thought of him makes me weak all over

the thought of him close to makes me want him all the more

the way he says my name is like no sound I have ever heard

the thought of living my life without him is something I can not comprehend

Want

I want you to put your mouth on me... to burn with the same intensity that I feel. I want to run my tongue over the sweet tip of you and slide you ~wet~ and ~hot~ into me. I want you to grab me roughly and take me. I want to feel you throb as you move slowly within me. I want to release my wetness upon your hardness. I want your name to escape from my lips as my clit swells. I want to hold onto you as my climax stops time and binds us in love forever.

untitled

It's like the morning sun shining on my bare skin, that sunkissed feeling, the warmth that starts at the top of your soul and rests, sated, in the depths of your heart. I close my eyes and bathe in the feeling of tranquility. I am lost in a love so rich so deep it brings forth understanding without the use of words.

*like so many other things in my life this is a work in progress*

This moment

If I could at this moment I would get completely naked...flaws and all, and I would wrap myself up in you.

This love this lifetime

It seems like a dream, I dreamt every single thing.

I feel a fuzzy distance, a distance that makes it hard to see, to feel.

I'm drifting into the unknown. Just me. Alone.

I want to reach out to him to connect so the distance doesn't seem so expansive.
I've said too much and still for me it is not enough.
Have I lost? Am I lost?
Does he feel this distance? Is he even feeling these long moments of silence?
I do not wish, do not need ,do not want.
I ask myself has his soul fallen out of harmony with my own? I want that? Pulling away? Safety perhaps. Asking for too much? Did I not start out asking for enough?
Is he emotionally crippled unable to express love to me the way my soul needs to be fed?
Doing what he can, doing what he knows, but in my soul, in life's learnings I know it is not enough.

He loves me? yes no maybe.

He does not know my love's language. My soul's dialect.

I learned from a decade of spoken and unspoken foreign languages.
I know my love's language, my soul's dialect.



I will NOT settle for anything less than his true OPEN soul.
This time I will not settle for anything less than complete soul translation.
My soul will speak, it will not be silent not for this love not for this lifetime.

Colorful Dreams

The floor is polished hardwood dark and rich

A huge bay window throws light on all the beauty within the room

He is completely bare, naked beneath her

She is straddling him
her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders

His hands pulling her body tightly to his

She is on the verge of weeping

He is inside of her

He is kissing her face

No words are spoken

Their hearts have said everything that is to be said

She can feel his heart beating her breasts to his chest

His lips to her need

Old is new!

I'm going to be reposting some things I saved as **DRAFTS** a while ago. So if some of my next few posts look familiar that's why.

Don't

Don't pull me close just to push me away. Don't punish me with your silence. Allow inside to see the real you unafraid. Do not keep me at a distance for unspoken reasons. Give your words life and allow love to grow determined and unashamed

For my man...

I will stand with you in the face of your enemies, if they are your enemies they are mine.

I will stand in the path of those who seek to take from us what we have rightfully gained.

I will lay my heart and soul on the doorstep of our love to lift you up and over those who want to destroy us.

I am your ride or die live and thrive chick.

I am the pathway of life for your next generation.

I am the one who holds you up when those others try to hold you down.

I love you in the deepest places God has given me.

No matter what happens tomorrow or the days that follow I am here always right beside you facing the world with you.

Life Promises 2008

I'm not making any resolutions this year.

I want to make life promises.

I want to start writing my book this year. Got a little fear about the whole process.

My girl Yo is being published this year. I'm so proud of her. A good sista doing her thing.

My lead characters have changed just a bit, but I'm trying to figure out how to get them out of my head and onto the computer screen.

I am in love this with book and I haven't even written it yet.

I don't want to get into a writing groups because I don't want to let other ideas influence what I already have. I don't want to take someone else's words and ideas and not realize it.

Yo told me not to become attached to my words...I don't know how to do that yet. Perhaps that will be my life promise to myself this year. Let my words be fluid and allow them to change and grow as needed.

Welcome 2008 and thank you for the blessing of another year of my life, flaws and all it's a blessed life. I am thankful.

Him got broughtupsy

I wasn't expecting it. I called to thank him, he was such a gentlemen. He had recalled a conversation about me killing plants. I am a serial plant killer.

I'm feeling better today and I'm looking forward to the New Year.

It's called Elephant Ears. It's beautiful and I talk to it. I named him Ains. Short for Ainsley

I saw him and the goatee is back, silver streaked and distinguished. It suits him. I told him as much, he laughed. I tried not to.

Him got broughtupsy. JA luv.

Mama can you hear me?

Mama can you hear me?

I miss you I miss the you that made me. Remember the days of sound advice and strong foundation? The days of carry yourself like a lady. The days of make sure his sex is good before you commit for life. Remember the days of take care of your children before you take care of self? The days of church on Sundays and sin the next Saturday? The days of me looking just like my daddy when you still loved him deep deep in your heart.

I long for you deep deep in my heart mama, I miss you and me.

I don't know where you are now Mama but Imissyou, Iloveyou, Ineedyou.

Leap First!

I took the leap sat back and closed my eyes exhaled and leaped. I'm getting stronger everyday. It was worth the sacrifice and fight. All for me. Selfish? Probably. Do I care? Not in the least. In spite of everything I would do it again and again and again. All for me.