Separate Roads

He wants to chase this new dream, but I'm afraid that my dreams will take me in a different direction.  Separate roads.  It makes me resentful that my dreams are not represented because I have refused to represent the real me.  Lost me in the moment of loving and fear of losing you.  Can not lay the blame at your feet, because I was content to let my dreams go for fear of failure.  Looking like fool.  I want to go to school and see how smart I'm not.  I want to pledge and join the sistahood.  You chase new dreams and it leaves us on separate roads.  Just this once take a chance on me.  I gave into you before and now I'm headed off to war away from everything that is real and comfortable to me.  I resent you for that.  Want to scream from the tallest peak

you wanted this and now I must pay the cost for the money chase

Can't say I didn't enjoy the money.  Bought some nice flip flops and trinkets but I would gladly give the ALL back to be safe at home.

Chase this new dream on your road and I'm truly wanting to take MY road less travelled.  The road to the real me.

Holla!

First Love

i met him when I was 19 a baby with a baby he wasn't from my town but from bean town he made me laugh because he was real more real than anyone i knew

i fell in love with his spirit before the sun rose on the next day he lived on the army installation and had to get home for PT

he called me the next day and i didn't know who he was i was a ho and didn't think myself worthy of something so real

he kept calling and visiting i would flinch if he came close to me residue of my babys father he liked to control me by hitting me so i was scared when men got close to me

i told him i loved him first and he didn't say it back and i was glad he was scared too he had never been in love before and neither had i

he met my son and he fell in love with this little chocolate child

we moved in together and he would come home to us on the week end we were reckless no birth control

i was pregnant with his first child we had no money no future just love and each other in a small apartment

he was getting out of the army used his exit money to kill our baby and i loved him so much i would've done anything for him my fault too

he wanted to move back home so we rented a uhaul and moved to bean town or close to bean town

i still loved him loved his family felt safe and scared all at the same time made him miserable a damaged soul can not accept true love but he tried
i moved home 5mths later broken in tiny pieces

put the pieces back together and kept trying to hold us together we met other people eventually he came to visit us once i was with someone else who meant nothing to me but i used him as a sheild because my pieces were still tiny

i treated him like shit during his visit and later found out he had someone back home
she called me and told the things he said about me about our family said he didn't love me but only loved (our) my son
i sat on my mothers bathroom floor with a razor and kept thinking up and down not across i was still in tiny pieces

we didn't talk for months then i called him we talked i loved him

i took him back and we were going to get married...i was in basic training on my wedding day still in tiny pieces

moved on with my life needed him still we got back together but it was too late my pieces had mended and as they mended the were in different places than before

i met someone who fit me with my mended pieces and i told him that only after he had given up his life back home and moved down south to be with me
i felt he deserved it but i still loved him

i miss him even though i don't even know him any more

he loved me and i eventually learned to love myself thru him

when i think of him now i think to myself when he thinks of me(if he ever does that it is) i hope he can find it in his heart to simply think DAMN I LOVED THAT GURL!!

In my world

In my world people don't take their own lives, leaving loved ones to pick up the pieces. 
In my world you never close the door but leave it cracked so you can peak thru it and know the soul that is a part of you is safe.
In my world you taste like chocolate.
In my world I can remember the times you made me smile and not remember the times she answered the phone as she laid beside you in our bed.
In my world I can remember the night we met and walked in our socks until 5AM and I gave you my ring(symbol of my heart)
In my world you became a real man and I became a real woman in time to save the life of the child we created.
In my world the baby was a girl and she had your lips, my nose, your ears(yikes!) and your smile.
In my world we named her Kabria and her hair was nappy!
In my world the we laughed as the stick turned blue.
In my world you never hurt me so badly that I fell madly in love with someone wonderful and hurt you more than I wanted to know.
In my world there was no need for second chances.

I'm a Virgin...

It's my first time blogging been planning to do it for a minute just thought I would jump right in. I do have many issues that I'm trying to deal with on a daily basis. Mainly writing so you can see it, you know who you are. No telling what I'm gonna say up in here. Don't plan on using spell check, well maybe but probably not.

Don't make fun of my personal issues and I won't have to fuck you up..deal? Good!

Holla