For Juan

Juan,

When I saw the picture of you I was blown away, it seems like ages since I’ve seen you. It has been… You looked thin to me, not how I was used to seeing you but time brings about changes for all of us. All I could do was stare at the picture and imagine what your life must be like now. I don’t know why I was devastated or why I had to hold back my tears for 2hrs until I was safe and by myself. The moment I saw your face I was sad and I missed you. I missed the way you used to smile and show ALL of your teeth. Or how you used to laugh and I would catch it and laugh too. As I read the article the dates were not lost on me, nor was the danger. I realized that those dreams I had were trying to tell me that you were in harms way. I heard through the grapevine that you were drinking a lot, I knew it was their way of telling me that you needed me, but I was so angry with you for so many things and angry with myself for even worrying about you, my selfishness. It has been years since we have even spoken and I still couldn’t shake the feeling that you needed me. I know how you are when you drink, and I was scared for you. But I stood my ground and stayed away, because you stayed away first…selfish me. I told you I wouldn’t give into to a half assed friendship. But I miss you and I wonder if you thought of me in those moments when things were exploding around you. I wonder if you are still wearing your cross or if perhaps you had given up on it with all that you have seen. I hurt so much because I know once again when you needed me I wasn’t there. My shortcomings and selfishness were clear and I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you have sleepless nights. I’m sorry that you were afraid. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out to hear your voice or to offer mine. I’m sorry that I was a sorry ass friend to you. I’m sorry I didn’t love you the way that you loved me…unconditionally. I’m sorry for all the times you were alone and cried.
I still think about all the times we were together and speaking about the world…Cuba…Argentina…Dirty Jersey. I remember the time I cried on shoulder when I thought he had broken our vows, you told me I was a hell of woman and he was just crazy…and when I told you I was pregnant with Jah you told you would rub my belly if he left me. When I doubted myself you told me I was a good mom…good mom you always said it twice. When I drank too much you didn’t judge me you made sure I got home and poured my drunk ass into bed. When we were on our way to the club and I had on my new “hair” and out of nowhere you told me I was beautiful…I cried because it had been ages since anyone had told me that. You made me believe it. The time you got drunk and told Wally all of your secrets, he couldn’t hold water and told everyone, but I didn’t care because the truth is just the truth…These are the things I think of when I think of you. I try to remember all of our good times…not the times we cried together because you were going home…I think you knew then you would never come back to see us, but you did and the boys were so happy to see you…so was I. That seems so long ago now and life for both of us has changed…Did you marry a hometown girl, or is your heart still searching? I miss you Juan, like a fat girl loves cake I love you. Though you have made the choice to keep your distance I want you to know that you are always in my heart and I will always love the beautiful person you were to me. I hope you are safe…I hope you still have light in those beautiful brown eyes and hope that where ever you are you’re smiling…showing ALL your teeth just like always.
The story ends here…I love him I miss him and that; as much as it hurts, is my truth.